Weight Of What Was
by GleeGeneration23
Summary: A Meredith/Riggs Endgame Story. Following Riggs to Seattle is his daughter, his daughter with Megan Hunt, who has a very different opinion on what transpired between her mother and her father and isn't afraid to speak her mind. For Riggs and Meredith, the hits just keep on coming. AU Season 12-14 and TRIGGER WARNINGS for Eating Disorders.
1. The Wayfaring Stranger

**Hi so here is another story and my second plunge into the Grey's Anatomy fanfiction. This story is a Riggs/Meredith endgame because even though MerDer is lore to me I did like that pairing and I think It grew on me and I was very disappointed with how that story ended. So this is my fanfic for this pairing and it of course includes an OC because I always write my stories with an OC in them.**

 **This story does have an OC in it and point of views may vary also it will have TRIGGER WARNINGS for Eating Disorders. I want to state here and now that if that triggers anyone then this story might not be for you. And believe me I will understand.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just Maya. **

**Please Read and Review and let me know what you think.**

 **This story should just be about 30/31 Chapters and it will consist of episodes in Season 12. 13. and 14. Because this is an AU story there will be episodes based after 14x05.**

 **As I always say spelling and grammar are not my strongest suit so please keep that in mind as you carry on reading.**

 **Some of the backstory is AU as well but I will try and keep it in cannon as strictly as possible. Ages including the time Owen, Megan and Riggs spent in the military is all guesswork.**

 **Also a little quirk of mine sometimes is to have a song verse at the start of each chapter so just be aware that this will be happening at the start of each chapter.**

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Weight of What Was.

A Meredith/Riggs Endgame Story. Following Riggs to Seattle is his daughter, his daughter with Megan Hunt, who has a very different opinion on what transpired between her mother and her father and isn't afraid to speak her mind. For Riggs and Meredith, the hits just keep on coming. AU Season 12-14 and TRIGGER WARNINGS for Eating Disorders.

Chapter 1-The Wayfaring Stranger.

Episode's Covered. 12x06-12x07

Nathan get's a job offer and a shock. Meredith is ready to move on (even though she cannot admit it to himself) and Maya Riggs is introduced (though not to the characters that matter) Introductory Chapter.

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 ** _"_** ** _I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger. Travelling through this world of woe. But there's no sickness, toil nor danger. In the fair land to which I go"_** _(Johnny Cash-Wayfaring Stranger) _

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Maya Elizabeth Riggs had many credits to her name but the one that she used whenever she moved to a new school and they asked her to tell her something that was interesting about her was that she had been born in Europe. She had, she had been born in Germany. Her father had been a medic in the Army and her Mother had also been in the Army and had transferred back to a base hospital in Germany while she had been pregnant.

For the majority of Maya's childhood, at least until she was seven she spent in Germany with either one parent or her uncle working at the hospital. She spoke English with an American accent due to two American parents but by the time she was seven she spoke fluent German, French and passable Arabic. It was when she was seven that her life changed forever.

That was where she generally stopped speaking. Too many _complicated_ things happened after that.

Well actually it wasn't complicated when you thought about it.

Her Mom had just gone, missing presumed dead and the family that she had, had disappeared as if overnight. She didn't remember what had happened, not really but Maya did remember that one night her father had woken her up and what seemed like an hour later they were on a plane heading to the United States.

Since then they had lived in the United States. Her Dad still did relief work but sometimes he took her with him. Sometimes he paid a live in nanny and then when Maya had turned thirteen he had stopped going altogether. He had done some consulting work in Jordan two months ago and now he was back.

Maya had lived with one of her friends while he had been gone. The friend's mother had been a surgeon as well which made things…harder for Maya but she had managed and had coped and then the second her Dad had been back in the states she had been with him so fast her head had spun. They worked better together, he had told her that once when she had asked about her Mom and her Uncle and her Grandma that she remembered talking to on the phone.

 _"_ _We work better together sunshine"_ he had said to her when she had crawled to him after a nightmare about her Mom and that damn helicopter.

That had been then, when she was seven. Ten years had passed since then and Maya was seventeen and not for the first time was putting away her things in her bedroom when she heard the front door open. Her Dad, had put in motion a move to Seattle nearly a month ago and Maya who had long ago learnt to ride through the packing and the unpacking and the new schools and the new hospitals with a dignified grace had been trying to find a paint scheme that worked well with the room when he had gone out to confirm his hospital privileges.

She had given up on the paint job and had gone straight for the books since then. The room was bigger than her last one and she could always paint around it. It was times like this she thought when she needed a woman's opinion. Well not a woman—her mother. Mothers would know weather or not to go with chocolate brown or pillar-box red. But as soon as she thought that she shook her head trying to eradicate the images. Maya had managed ten years without a mother she could manage without her for another ten.

The door to the apartment opened but she didn't start. Only two people had keys to the place so she wasn't worried.

The door to her room opened and her Dad popped his head in. He looked tired and more the point he looked like he had seen a ghost. Maya watched him silently. She had been good at reading people for a long time. It had given her something to do-to know when she would be able to get away with stuff, a modicum of control that when she had been fourteen she had needed. Her hand found her belly without thinking about it.

Her Dad who was better at reading people than she was noticed it instantly.

"Hey sunshine" He said stepping into the room. "Still not chosen then?"

"Nope" Maya said flatly turning back to the books. "How was Grey-Sloan Memorial? You get your privileges?"

Her Dad snorted. "And then some" he muttered but when Maya turned around to stare at him inquisitively but his face was perfectly smooth.

"I was thinking salmon for dinner if that works with you?" he asked casually. It was a wood be causal tone and Maya had to roll her eyes. She had been good…so good for a long time and she was not about to start going down a path of self-destruction now. The last time had been warning enough for her.

"Yeah" she said smiling. Her Dad nodded and then disappeared leaving Maya on her own. She sat down on her big bed and looked around breathing in heavily and catching sight of herself in the mirror that was still to be hung up and was therefore leaning against the wall.

She was a pretty girl she had known that. She had enough photo's of her mother to know that she looked nothing like her. Her Mom. Doctor Megan Hunt—had, had red hair and bright eyes and an even brighter smile. She had been slender without curves and tall and confident. She reached down into one of the boxes and pulled out a photograph that she had taken with her mother probably when she had been promoted (considering both of her parents had been in uniform). Her Mom had looked happy then, so had her Dad…well so had she come to think of it.

She gripped the frame feeling the corners dig into her palms.

Well she supposed thinking (and not for the first time on the subject) she looked nothing like that. Maya was decidedly her father's daughter in more ways than one. She had long dark hair with bangs that she had cut last year so it went just below her collarbone and she had darker eyes than her mother. She had inherited her mother's nose that much was true but not much else…unless of course she was to count her mother's dependency on cake when the going got bad.

She was tall for her age at seventeen but sometimes she looked at herself in the mirror and she could see no resemblance to Megan Hunt at all. Actually considering the things she knew about her mother that her father did not she considered looking like her father to be a very good thing indeed.

Maya shook her head for a second. Dwelling on dark thoughts like that had gotten her into trouble more than once and she had worked too hard to get herself to a good place to let it go now. Right now she was in a new city, a new school come Monday and a new life. Nobody had to know who she was or where she came from or what kind of damage she had with her.

And with that she dropped the photograph frame and all back into the box and stood up to go and ask her Dad all about this new hospital he was working at.

Maybe tomorrow she would go and visit him. See how many good-looking doctor's there were. And Maya who was the daughter of two surgeons did in fact want to know how tight security around the OR Gallery's were because if she could get a seat and watching something exciting and (hopefully) bloody then she was going to.

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Meredith Grey had not had a good day. There had been the whole skull transplant that Callie and Amelia had pulled out the bag but there was still the fact that Perfect Penny was always around. Meredith had tried…God knows Meredith had tried to not see her husband on that bed or the woman who had apologised while her heart and body had gone into overdrive trying to keep up with her brain that was already telling her what to do.

Today had been a bad day, actually the whole week had been bad.

Callie had not made matters easier. She was either a bully or incompetent and nobody seemed to realise that Meredith had been fine before Callie had brought that woman into her life, into her hospital and on her service. She didn't want to teach her, she didn't want to be near her. She could understand-hell she emphasised with Amelia's abhorrence of the woman even though it wasn't completely justified.

In fact all she wanted to do when she left the OR was to go and sink into a hot bath with a glass of wine and a good cry.

Of course she couldn't do that could she?

The (admittedly) handsome Cardio surgeon who had just started (and Meredith might still be in love with her dead husband but she could admit what was in front of her—Nathen Riggs was very good looking) today had invoked some sort of hatred in Owen.

Amelia next to her was gazing at her boyfriend—or whatever the hell she and Owen were with a sort of shocked look and Meredith couldn't blame her. She had known Owen now for nearly eight years give or take the year she had taken to herself post-Derek and the year after the plane crash and she had not seen him like this. Even when he and Cristina had been arguing, even when she and Owen had been arguing post the shooting, she had not seen him like this.

This was a new Owen. An angrier Owen. Something about Nathen Riggs had turned him back into the man she had once known who had stuck a knife into four pigs and then choked Cristina. Meredith didn't know where it had come from but Nathen Riggs was regarding Owen as if he knew what was pissing him off and with a sort of world weariness that said he had expected this and that he was going to take it.

The door to the OR corridor opened and Meredith tore her eyes away from her angry friend to see a girl of about seventeen come in. She was dressed in blue high waisted jeans with rips in them and her feet were stuffed into brown ankle boots, she was wearing a purple jumper that had lace all down the sleeves and her dark hair was tied backwards into a messy but high ponytail. Meredith looked at her for a second. There was something about her that was oddly familiar but before she could open her mouth to tell her that this area was restricted the girl's eyes had clapped on Riggs.

"Some first day ha Dad" she said her voice loud and clear. It was an American accent but Meredith who had grown up in both Boston and Seattle and knew the accents pretty well couldn't place this one. Riggs turned around and Meredith could see the trepidation in his face. The girl who she supposed was Riggs daughter was grinning but there was something odd about her—Meredith supposed she looked older than she was and she was gripping the bag she had over her shoulder with both hands.

Owen however had frozen mid-rant. He turned slowly.

"Maya?" It was a question that had come out half-plea, half in shock. Meredith felt like they were on the edge of something here but she couldn't put her finger on it.

The girl—Maya's eyes flickered from her Dad to Owen. For a second she stared at him and then something dark flickered over her face so fast that Meredith (who knew what dark and twisty was intimately) only saw it for a second. Her face was perfectly smooth but only a hint of her lip (coloured in a kind of darkish pinkish/purplish lipstick) curling showed what she thought of Owen Hunt in that moment. She straightened herself as if she was going to war and regarded him for a second longer. Owen seemed unable to speak.

"Maya" he said finally.

"Uncle Owen" she said flatly as if she doubted that title very much.

Riggs gave a long sigh his eyes on his daughter, Meredith felt her eyebrows rise to the top of her head. She didn't even have to look to see what Amelia's reaction was going to be, she could feel the shock, hurt and burning curiosity from here.

Owen stared at his niece? For a second longer and then he swept past her too. Maya Riggs regarded him for a second and then turned her expression breaking into a rather taut smile as she looked at her father.

"Well you left that one out didn't you?"

Meredith sighed again the hopeful feeling that she had, had after a successful surgery disappearing as fast as it had been there. So much for an easy day and an easier night.

But then again. When had her life ever been easy?

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 **And there we are, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I will hopefully update as soon as I am ready to but while I strive to update regularly due to both work and uni there might be some delays so please keep that in mind.**

 **Next Chapter-Nathan and Owen confront their new reality. Maya demands an explanation and Meredith tries to get information from the sources first-hand. **


	2. Face The Nation

**Hi, so here is the second chapter of this story! Thank you all so much for your kind reviews and interest in this story. I was so not expecting it being as I never thought this ship got so much attention! So this was a really nice surprise.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Some episodes with a lot of Riggs and Meredith will be split over a few chapters just so everyone knows therefore some extracts from this episode that this chapter was based upon will be mentioned in following chapters.**

 **I did take some liberties with the truth particularly between the relationship between Riggs and Megan because I kind of never liked her or the fact that Riggs was blamed for the cheating when she was doing it too and nobody told him. Therefore rather than it be a one night stand I turned it into something else.**

 **Also there are TRIGGER WARNINGS in this chapter of eating disorders including bulimia and binge eating disorder. I have tried to keep it as truthful as possible but I know no two people with eating disorders are the same or suffer and recover the same and therefore I am going off an experience that is personal to me and my family. Please do not think if this does not reflect any other experiences I am making it up as I go along. NOTHING could be further than the truth.**

 **Thank you for listening to my rant (!) And enjoy the chapter!**

 **Please Read and Review.**

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Weight Of What Was

Chapter 2-Face The Nation

Nathan and Owen confront their new reality, Maya demands an explanation and Meredith tries to get information from the sources first hand.

Episodes Covered- After 12x07 Some of-12x08

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 ** _"_** ** _Dancing around the lies we tell, dancing around big eyes as well. Even the comatose, they don't dance and tell"_** _(Lorde-Team) _

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Maya made it home in silence and the door had barely just shut before she managed to explode.

"What the hell is he doing here? Why the hell are you working at a hospital where he is and where the hell does he get off?"

There was a second where Nathan was so reminded of her mother that he had to look away least he either laugh or cry.

"I don't know" he said finally which he supposed could be an answer to all of her questions but he knew Owen's return or his reappearance had shocked her. God knows running into Megan's brother had not been the highlight of his day especially considering the fact that now half of his new work mates knew half of his story. There had been that blonde-brunette woman…Grey…who had made it very clear that she was on Owen's side without bothering to hear his story.

"Dad" Maya said her voice rising.

"Alright look…I took a kid from Jordan to April Kepner who works there and that's when I met your Uncle. Doctor Bailey the Chief told me that if I wanted the job I'd could have it and I got tired of travelling around the world and leaving you here. So I took it. And Maggie Peirce who is the head of Cardio is a good boss to work under. So yes Owen is a problem and I don't particularly like the thought of working with him or anyone else but the benefits of working with him and staying with your far outweigh another tour in Jordan"

Maya stood there and then she walked up and down the length of the living room and back again thinking hard and then she turned to watch him.

"And what the hell am I supposed to do when I see him. Because you and I both know that I will see him. And you know what he's going to say"

"Do what you want when you see him Maya. I could tell you not to antagonise him but I know you and I know the woman you came from so all I ask if that you not start any fights with the people he works with because ultimately I have to work with them too and having them hate me even more than Owen I going to try and get them to do is a burden I can, quite frankly do without carrying"

Maya scoffed and then jerked her head in a direction near his eye which he supposed meant if she had to be civil then she would.

"If he starts then I'm holding nothing back" she said suddenly. "And if he wants to play dirty then I will"

"I don't want to hear that" Nathan said feeling another headache throbbing. Honestly, it wasn't like he'd had enough trouble over the past few months but to cap it off Owen had to come back into his life, his best friend and Maya's godfather. And already he had taken a swing at the established foundations he had tried to build since that day where he had learnt that Megan was not coming home.

Maya watched him for a second longer and then nodded.

"Do you like the hospital?" she asked finally in an attempt he was sure to break the tension.

"It seems really good. Has a good reputation for cutting edge research which I haven't done in a long time…and they have some good surgeons. Meredith Grey is the daughter of Ellis Grey and Arizona Robbins is supposed to be one of the best surgeons in the country to operate on babies so…yeah they got some good staff."

"Just a pity he's there" Maya said nodding. She paused for a second and then she turned around from where she was standing against the couch.

"What's he saying?" she asked finally.

"Nothing. I don't think he's even told them"

Maya raised an eyebrow.

"He hasn't told the people that he works with about Mom?" she said finally and Maya's tone had gone down an octave instead. She was shocked genuinely but for what reason she honestly wasn't sure off. And then she was moving towards the door and Nathan knew she was going to find Owen somehow and yell and him and that would do no good.

"No" he said half pushing her backwards. "There is no point in trying to start anything with him now."

"He has a problem with you, he starts with you in the middle of the OR Hallway and he denies his sister even exists while making out that you are the bad guy. Dad are you mad of course I'm going to start with him!"

"No your not" he said pushing her back again when she made another move at the door.

"Maya look I don't like it anymore than you do but you are not going to start a row with Owen, I will not give your uncle any opportunity to have a go at my parenting skills"

Maya let out a harsh kind of laugh and then went back to pacing across the living room floor as if she was going to set it on fire. Of all of the things that Maya had inherited from her mother it was her temper and then she swallowed as she got herself under control. She bit her bottom lip for a second and then she turned around.

"Ok" she said finally as if there was nothing much to say. "If you are ok working with that hypocrite then I suppose when I come to see you, I can stay civil. I suppose you don't have a problem with me coming to the hospital after school before I go home like I used to do in Germany and in the hospital in New York?"

"No you know I don't. And if you want we can have dinner together some nights"

There was a pause where Maya shot him a look that told Nathan that she knew what game he was playing. Nathan didn't care much. He had ignored the signs for too long about what was going on and she was not going to slide back into anything because of his ex-almost brother in law and a hostile environment.

"Don't" she said finally.

"I'm not doing anything" he said holding out his hands. Maya laughed as she shook her head and then there was another long heartbeat as she looked around the room and then she moved to her room.

"Shall I call you when dinner's ready?"

He saw it then. Maya warring with her instincts. Nathan was willing to bet that Maya would have not ate tonight if he wasn't in.

It had not been an easy few years. He had gone on aid relief tours and left Maya with whatever surgeon he trusted the most. Half of the reason why he had continued to go on such tours was because he needed to get away. He had not been born to be a single father and he had found in the years that Maya had turned from a seven year old with questions to a fourteen year old with questions were a way to escape. He had come back two years ago to find his daughter with shadows under her eyes and a way of always making sure she needed the bathroom after she had eaten something.

She had been clever in her ways of trying to hide it of that he would give her. But she had purged one to many times and he had found her.

That was one thing he would never forget, like the way Evelyn had looked at him when he had told her that there was no way he could bring her daughter home and Owen today. The look of distain on Meredith Greys face and the way that Megan had laughed in the morning when one of them had, had to sneak from their beds least they had to be discovered. His daughter with two fingers down her throat trying to make herself sick was not something he was going to forget in a hurry.

Since then he had tried to watch his daughter, tried to help her. He had taken her to therapy, and not asked what had happened in therapy and she had not told him but he had noticed that she was getting better. Slowly she began to eat more and not rush off to the bathroom. He had no doubt that she was still struggling with her eating disorders and he also had no doubt that the sight of her Uncle today for the first time in years had not helped matters in the slightest.

Maya turned to stare at him and Nathan knew she knew that he had caught her out. For a second neither one of them spoke and then Maya shook her head her dark hair covering her face.

"Maya?" he asked trying to keep his voice steady. The last thing that she needed now was him falling apart or him asking any questions. Time had taught him that there was a thin line to tread when it came to his daughter.

Maya visibly struggled for a second and then when she looked up she managed a small smile.

"Sure" she said but it was in the type of tone that told Nathan she was really saying yes because she couldn't see an out tonight. He nodded. It was not ideal but if his daughter would have a meal with him and not wobble because Owen was back in their lives then it was a start.

"Soup?" He asked going for the safest option and when he got the nod in return he acknowledged it as a small victory.

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Amelia was still not letting it go. She was talking about the Owen and the Riggs scenario and she would not let it go. She was not the only one. The entire hospital was gossiping about what had happened between Riggs and Owen. The only thing was, was that neither one of them—Owen or his friend were talking about it. And to make a bad day worse Amelia was still not shutting up about the damn thing. Meredith, Bailey, Amelia, all of them had asked and beyond Owen's one comment that Meredith shout hate him like he did he had said nothing about it. Hell Alex was even interested for crying out loud! And to cap a perfect day Meredith could now see that something was on fire which meant Jackson would be up her backside for the majority of the day with burns. Mark Sloan her friend was not. He at least had, had a certain charm that Jackson Avery had not inherited.

"And then there's the niece that he never mentioned…are you sure that Cristina never mentioned a niece?"

"No" Alex said thankfully taking over so Meredith didn't have to ram her car into the nearest tree…and why was she carpooling again? Oh yeah, Zola was going through a green phase. God Meredith hoped that was over soon and then Maggie and Amelia and Alex and Jo and all the other people that inherited her house might go and she could use her car for more isolated reasons. What she wasn't sure but the thought was nice.

She found that she was finally beginning to see what Derek had said so long ago about strays in her house.

"Did Cristina say anything about a niece to you Mer?" Amelia asked.

"No" Meredith replied. She didn't elaborate but she had rang Cristina who had not been impressed when she had found out Owen had a niece which implied he had a brother or sister that she had not known about when they had been together for nearly six years give or take.

There was a pause where Meredith looked around and then she set off from the traffic lights and thankfully Jo had taken the conversation somewhere and she could pretend the woman that looked so much like Derek was not still talking about Owen and Riggs and the girl who Owen had looked at like she was a ghost.

Fortunately a fire took care of that.

Well…at least for a while.

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Maya had been steadfastly ignoring everyone in the damn surgical ward. She had, had her first day at school, she had her book list for English and she had she thought a good chance of catching up with everyone when school started properly on Monday. She was a pro at handling admissions by now and she swallowed as she stepped of the elevator and into the midst of a gossip stream that would have made the scuttlebutt in the military proud.

Several people shot her interested looks and she walked up to the nurses desk and she asked politely where Nathan Riggs was.

"In surgery" came a voice to her left and she turned to see a woman looking at her. It was one that she had not seen before. She was Latina with dark hair and she was watching Maya with an avid hungry kind of curiosity that made Maya (in the mood she was in) want to smack her across the face.

"Hi" she said sticking out a hand. "I'm Callie Torres. So…your Owen's niece" her look as she looked Maya up and down was one of complete hunger and Maya knew that she was going to root for information.

"How long will he be in surgery?" she asked cutting off the woman's first question and then she paused looking at Callie who was calculating in her head. "I don't think that it was going to be long. Or maybe it was. He was in there with Meredith Grey and she's well…she's Team Owen"

Maya laughed and it was not a good sound.

"Which one is Meredith Grey again?"

"Short blonde hair, amazing cheekbones. Looks at you when she's pissed like she wants to kill you…trust me you'll know where when you see her"

Maya nodded and then not caring if she was rude or not she turned and walked away. Callie Torres could tell her Uncle she was rude if she wanted. She wanted nothing more than a confrontation with the man that was going around blaming her father. She would love the chance to tell him that he was wrong in believing his sainted sister that night…

She made it to the elevator as two women came in from the OR floor. She thought perhaps she would go and see the burn unit because Maya was the daughter of two surgeons and two war surgeon's at that and she had both a high tolerance for blood and pain. She took a deep breathe and she leaned her head against the wall of the elevator wondering weather or not she should go to the cafeteria.

Then the elevator dinged open and in walked Meredith Grey.

Callie Torres was right in thinking that anyone would notice the infamous Meredith Grey. She took a look around the elevator before she took a step into the space and the doors shut. Maya stood up straighter, she might have been just wearing jeans and a black jumper and Meredith Grey was in scrubs but they were both women who were angling for a fight.

"Is Dad out of surgery?" she asked finally.

"Yes" Meredith Grey said. There was a pause. Then.

"He's out of control" she said finally. Maya laughed. "Says you" she said.

"What would you know about his surgery skills?"

"What would you know about his relationship with Owen?" Maya shot back. Meredith turned to look at her and she could tell the older woman's interest won out over any misgivings she might have. There might be more things to tell her of that Maya was sure but right now she suspected that she was holding all the cards. Meredith Grey had curiosity at her fingertips and she was gunning for answers.

"I know Owen hates him" the woman said finally.

"Are you fucking Owen?" Maya asked. Because there had to be some kind of thing here between Meredith was awfully dependant on his side of the story.

"No!" Meredith said recoiling as if the idea was horrific for her and something about her behaviour made Maya believe her. There was nothing about her actions that Maya believed had anything to do with an intimate relationship with Owen Hunt. Or that Meredith Grey even wanted one.

There was a pause as the two of them eyed each other up and then Meredith snapped and hit the freeze button on the elevator. It grounded to a stop and then Meredith turned to Maya who watched her.

"Why does Owen hate your father? Why have you not seen him in years? Why has he never spoken about you? To anyone?"

Maya paused eyeing Meredith Grey for a long heartbeat and then she leaned against the wall a little bit more looking the woman head on in the eye. "What makes you think—" she said carefully "That my father was the bad guy in this? Because Owen is no saint. In fact when he tells you or he doesn't whatever works best for his delicate selective conscious I wouldn't believe a word of it. Because what happened was made worse by Owen and my Mom. He's the reason for all of it…the Hunt's brother and sister. They stick together thick and thin in life and death and fuck anyone who get's in their way"

She leaned forwards and flicked the switch up so the damn elevator could keep moving and she hoped against hope that Meredith Grey didn't notice her hands were shaking with fury.

The older woman watched her for a second and then she folded her fingers together so they were against her waist.

"So what did happen?"

Maya opened her mouth weather to tell her the story or weather to tell her to fuck off and not come near her again but the door to the elevator opened. It was her Uncle.

For a second they stared at each other and then Maya edged out of the elevator as if the two people that she was in contact with were poisonous and she was gone before either one of them could say anything else.

She ducked behind the nearest wall that she could find and tried to breathe. For all the world she wanted to go to the cafeteria and then to the bathroom and she had to clasp her hands into fists as she breathed in deep and realised that she was about to tell a woman that she had barely known that she had known the entire time that her mother, the saint that would be known as Megan Hunt had spent the last year of her life, cheating on her father.

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 **And there we go. Please let me know what you think and I will endeavour to publish the next chapter as soon as I can. **

**Next Chapter-Evelyn Hunt makes an appearance complicating matters for Riggs and Maya and raking up painful memories. Owen makes another rash mistake. Meredith finally learns the truth. Amelia slips. **

**Enjoy.**


	3. What Will I Have Left?

**Hi, so here is another chapter, I think I will get one more done before I get back to Uni perhaps two but who knows? And then updates might become a bit more sporadic.**

 **Again nothing is mine here just the character of Maya. This chapter gives a load of insights including Amelia's point of view which is something I have never tried before but always wanted to as I love this character. There is some alludes to the Grey's Anatomy spin off Private Practice but if you have never watched that then you can ignore them- I would however highly recommend it.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review .**

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Weight Of What Was

Chapter 3-What Will I Have Left?

Evelyn Hunt makes an appearance complicating painful memories for Riggs and Maya raking up several painful instances. Owen makes another rash mistake. Meredith learns the truth. Amelia slips.

Episodes Covered-Second Part of 12x08

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 ** _"_** ** _I'll use you as a warning sign. That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind. And I'll lose you as a focal point. So I don't lose sight of what I want"_** _(Amber Run-I Found) _

* * *

Nathan had just come out of surgery when some intern whose name he was never going to remember (who really did remember the interns names anyway) told him that his daughter was around.

He groaned leaning back against the wall and the intern took it as stress due to a long surgery and didn't comment further but just scurried off. There was a fire after all and a hell of a lot of burns to treat. Already life had been tough at this hospital. Owen had come storming into his OR when he had been with Meredith Grey and the news that his almost ex-mother in law was sleeping with a man in his near thirties was enough to make him both laugh and cry at the injustice and pride of it all.

Good on Evelyn he thought to himself.

And he knew in that moment that Megan would think the same.

And now he had to try and find a way to avoid her because if he saw the woman who had been more mother to him than his own had ever been and she blamed him for what had happened to her daughter then he thought that it was perhaps more than he could contend with.

He wanted to find his daughter and make sure that she was alright but there were other children out there who would need his treatment and other patients, his own would have to wait and he could only hope that nothing happened between him finding her and Owen running into her because the words Maya kept saying that night…last night…were running around his head.

Owen and Maya could not meet. That was a certain disaster.

He had been working on a patient recovery looking over labs and scans when he was vaguely aware that both Amelia Shepherd and Meredith Grey where shooting him looks. In the former it was curiosity and in the later it was hostility but he hardly cared. If Meredith Grey had something to say to him then as far as he was concerned she could walk those rather rich, rather talented, rather toned legs over to him and ask her herself. He was done doing favours for Ellis Grey's holier than thou daughter.

Amelia Shepherd on the other hand was an mystery. She was not her brother (and even Nathan knew who Derek Shepherd was) but she was good he would not deny that. She had an extensive time in a private practice in LA and had some surgeries under her belt to boast about. Anyhow she was either sleeping with Owen or thinking about it and Nathan might have once upon a time cared but he had seen what Owen's state of temper had done to the quiet life that he and his daughter had lived and he was in no state of mind to allow himself to admit defeat to a man who had been unable to spend time around his niece because he hated the man who had raised her.

And that was when the doors opened.

Without looking up he knew who was here.

Evelyn.

She had gotten old he register looking up when she had first uttered his name. She still had the same twinkle in her eye her daughter and her granddaughter had but she no longer had the look of a woman who slept soundly in her bed. But still, she hugged him as if he had never left her house, as if he was coming in from a long shift, she had never blamed him, not once. Owen had made his opinions and his threats however and Nathan had run scared.

Quietly he opened the door to her boyfriends (?) room so that she could sit by his bedside. He slid in next to her feeling younger than he had done in a while.

Evelyn looked at him.

"Maya?" was all she said and without saying anything he unlocked his phone where it was resting in his scrub pocket. Maya was his screenshot. It was something he had taken when she had not been looking, she had looked so impossibly at peace then reading her books. She had looked so impossibly like her mother despite not having red hair or looking more like him than she had Meg.

Evelyn took one look at the photo and burst into tears.

"Oh" she said wiping her eyes with her handkerchief. "Oh she's beautiful. God she's…Nathan…beautiful"

"Yeah" Nathan said unable to deny his daughters beauty even if she had been so desperate to destroy it.

Evelyn sat there for a second looking over his daughter's photo and then she spoke.

"I know…things between Owen and you…I know that at the funeral they were not good. But…I know I sided with Owen, Nathan regardless he was my only living child and I never believed half of what he said that day. I never wanted to not know Maya or…never"

He had known that there and then but Owen had been…

"Owen implied a custody battle if I stuck around" he said finally. Evelyn was not an easy woman to lie to even when she was not demanding the truth and he could not lie to her about the reasons he had fled. Owen might not be the only reason but he had been by far the strongest.

"Ah" Evelyn said in a tone of ice. "That would have never have happened. I would have never took that girl from you. She adored you."

Nathan laughed. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her about the whole eating disorder thing but he knew she would tell her son. Evelyn had more honest bones in her body than she had malicious ones and she had never been able to lie to her eldest child and only son. The last thing he wanted was Owen claiming he was an unfit parent for not noticing what had happened more than he already hated himself for.

"You want me to text her and see if she wants to come and meet you?" he asked finally.

The look on Evelyn's face was worth all of the pain he had previously caused her.

* * *

Maya had got the text to come to a specific room a little after dinner. She had spent the entire hour hospital staff had been eating hiding in the bathroom. She had a feeling about what would happen if she got to the cafeteria and bathrooms had in some way always been a safe place for her to be.

Plus the smell of burnt flesh was overwhelming once you went into the ER and there was only so much of that she could take before she wanted to hurl on instinct.

Instead she had found a quiet bathroom, locked the door to a stall and was leaning her head against the wall when her phone chimed.

There was something about both her Uncle and Meredith Grey that set her skin on fire. Seeing them, the fact that he had told her some version of the truth, her own secrets that she had kept. All of it was going to come out and Maya knew she was not good without taking some control of it.

Oh this was going to end badly.

And everyone was still looking at her as if she was freak.

She stood up and stepped outside the bathroom looking around her hands finding their way across her stomach even as she tried to push them away. She was going to be here at this hospital a lot because being at home was worse and the fact of the matter was that she was more comfortable around hospitals.

It was the case that always came when you were the child off two surgeons.

"Hey" came a voice to her left and she jumped nearly flattening herself against the wall. It was just the brown haired woman that was supposed to be living with Meredith Grey. She was wearing an expression of concern on her face. There was an age behind her eyes, like she, like Maya had seen a lot.

"Hi, I didn't mean to startle you, it's just…err…look my name is Amelia Shepherd, we haven't been introduced yet."

"Maya Riggs"

"Oh yeah I know" Amelia said. There was no hunger in her eyes in the same way there had been in Callie Torres no desire for gossip and that made her whole body relax instantly. There was something about this Amelia person that put Maya at ease.

"Do you know where this room is. I'm supposed to be meeting my Dad."

Amelia looked at the text. "Yeah I can show it to you. I think that's the room where your grandma is with her boytoy"

"What now?" Maya snapped sharply. Amelia turned to stare at her.

"Oh. You wanna make a quick getaway? I mean I don't have a car but I do have a cab number I can call"

"No" Maya said hoisting her bag higher. "I suppose I might as well get this over with"

"That's the world weary spirit" Amelia said brightly as they went into the elevator.

"It's so nice to finally get a chance to meet you"

"It is?"

"Oh yeah. Owen's niece that he never told me about? Plus I was meaning to come over. Riggs…your Dad is a damn good surgeon. I saw some of what he did with Peirce and it was good. Not as good as me but then there are very few who are as good as me"

"What do you do?"

"Brains"

"That sounds…tricky"

"Oh it is, but it's wonderful, so many interconnecting passages that make up who we are, so many things that could go wrong but you know that it won't because you have so much confidence in yourself. Honestly. I could show you some time if you want to get together and hang"

"I doubt there gonna let me work on a human brain" Maya said laughing. God it was easy to be around this woman. Already she had put her at ease in a way she hadn't felt in a long time.

"No but other brains work just as well. There are others such as lambs and cows and things you can work on. Look…" she dug around in her pocket and found a pen, she flipped Maya's hand upside down and wrote her number on the flesh.

"Call me if you wanna hang out sometimes. And I promise you wont have to tell me the whole story behind your Dad and Owen. I mean…I wanna know but…I'm gonna pressure you. I know you don't wanna badmouth your Dad"

They were off the elevator now and walking down a corridor. At the end where the nurses station was, was Meredith Grey. There was a pause where the two women stared at each other. Meredith and Maya. Meredith had a look of something on her face that to Maya was almost to be seen as calculation and Maya knew her own face was not welcoming.

"You know what it's like then when someone doesn't listen to the story. Choose to believe the wrong version because they think they know the other person is perfect"

The bitterness in her tone was noticeable. Amelia raised and eyebrow.

"Bitchy." Was all she said. "I like you"

Maya grinned back at her and was on the tip of replying when the door to a room opened and her Dad came out. There was a look on his face that spoke of a trip down memory lane that he had not wanted to go and Maya knew that whatever her grandmother wanted to know it was going to be painful for her. She wasn't sure weather or not she wanted to go through the trouble of this when all she wanted to do was pretend that the woman that had once called her mother existed. She didn't want to look into this woman's eyes and pretend that she hadn't been keeping a dead woman's secret for over ten years.

But there was really no choice was there?

She ignored Meredith Grey's eyes as she walked into the room.

* * *

There was the sound of skin upon flesh and then his oldest friend was on the floor. Honestly it would be a lot easier if his best friend…no his ex best friend would fight back. But in that moment he didn't care about his mother or Maya next door. He didn't care about Meredith Grey watching him with those eyes of hers that seemed to understand and yet not at the same time. He didn't even care that Amelia was watching him her dark eyes wide with shock.

All he cared about was Nath—no Riggs was on the floor bleeding.

Did that damn girl have to look so much like his sister? He had managed to hide away the feelings he had, had towards his niece over the course of the last ten or so years by not imagining her. She had been locked away in the box with Megan and Teddy and the memories of life over there. He didn't want to imagine it, to relive it all over again and not only did Riggs do that but his damn niece did that too.

Maya regarded him with that cool look of barely concealed hate before. She might on the surface look more like her father than she did her mother but there were characteristics that she had that were definitely more her mother than Riggs. Her look of complete indifference when she saw him as if he was lower than a sea slug was so his sister.

The door opened and Maya stuck her head out just as Nathan was getting to his feet. She shot him a look of such pure hate it nearly foiled him. Hate had always been Megan's masterstroke too he remembered dimly. But then he had to go before his mother came out of the room and he was forced to explain himself.

He was gone before she came out, before Meredith slipped into the room probably desperate to get information, before her blow up with Amelia and before Maya had a chance to look at him with that blazing expression that was so much more his sister than he had ever remembered being on the receiving end when she had been alive.

* * *

Amelia had tried to forget Derek, had tried to forget Owen, had tried to not see that woman who had been responsible for killing her brother (even though Amelia was not perfect in that department). She had tried to keep her cool and during those few moments she had been with Maya Riggs she had been calm and happy and confident again.

Now she was nothing. Meredith Grey had reduced her to nothing again.

Not for the first time she missed Ryan. She missed him so much her whole body ached. She had been with Owen for so long she had redone all that she had done with Ryan with him and her boy…her boy was gone as well. There was no point, no help to her recovery at all if she dwelled on those memories.

But here she was in a bar thinking about Ryan again.

She could call Webber who would be there in a second, who would hold her as she cried, who would never judge her. She could call Addison who would talk her down, she could call Charlotte who would also talk her down, would probably get on a plane to help her and she could even call Maya Riggs who perhaps might not understand addiction but would at least be some kind of company.

But Amelia knew who she could not call.

She could not call Derek.

She could not call Meredith.

She could not call Ryan.

She could not call Mark Sloan who had on more than one occasion helped her when she had been in her teens.

She could not call her mother or her sisters who would make her feel even smaller than she did right now.

She could not call or see her baby boy who she had never even given a name.

And she could certainly not call Owen.

So when Nathan Riggs offered her a drink she took and when she knocked it back it was with the image of the two men she had loved now both lost to her and the look of hate on Maya Riggs face as she had stared at her Uncle, the look on Derek's face the last time she had seen him branded behind her eyelids and the knowledge that her breakdowns were much like her surgeries. Magnificent.

* * *

 **And there it is, let me know what you think.**

 **Next Chapter-Meredith is attacked, Amelia hits rock bottom and in the aftermath Maya shares a secret with the one person she thinks might understand her. Nathan is also put in a rather delicate position. **


	4. Actual Physical Violence

**Hi, so here is another chapter and with any luck I will have another one soon.**

 **Again this deals with TRIGGERS for violence, drinking and eating disorders so if that triggers anyone then best to stop there.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And let me know what you think.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 4-Actual Physical Violence

Meredith is attacked, Amelia hits rock bottom and in the aftermath Maya shares a secret with the one person she thinks might understand her. Nathan is also put in a rather delicate position.

Episodes Covered-12x09

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk to you again. Because a vision softly creeping. Left it's seed while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brains. Still remains. Within the sound of silence"_** _(Simon and Garfunkel-The Sound of Silence) _

* * *

Nathan got the call too late. He was called into surgery because Maggie had gotten a little in over her head. At least that was what a white faced April Kepner had told him. The last thing he had expected when he scrubbed in and got there was Meredith Grey upon the table with her chest half cracked open and her ribs broken one dangerously close to the lung.

He caught Owen's eyes filled with concern as he stepped up to the table and he had to look away. The attack had taken place while Maya had been at school so that was at least something that he didn't have to worry about and Meredith's heart was beyond a little shocked but still beating so at least he didn't kill the woman who owned this place on his operating table.

He came out of the OR room to find Amelia Shepherd looking drawn and silent leaning next to the wall. She looked pale and her eyes were very dark in her face. Her hands were shaking and Nathan who had thought it was odd that she had her best resident in their ready to work and not herself understood it immediately. She was too emotional for surgery.

"Hey" he said siding up to her. She shot him a look that was half confrontational, half suspicious and more than a little bit lost. Nathan who was not the most comforting of people (accept when it came to his daughter) touched her on the arm suddenly possessed with an urge to take her into her arms and give her a good strong hug.

"Are you alright?"

Amelia nodded and then shook her head from side to side. The sight reminded him so much of Maya once upon a long time ago where she had stood there in her loose pyjama's looking more skinnier than he had ever seen her trying to desperately pretend that she was alright when in fact she had been far from alright.

There was a pause where she stood there looking at him and then she spoke her voice so thin against the noise of the hospital that he had to strain to hear her. He didn't have to look behind him though to know that Owen's eyes were straining into the back of his neck and the glare was as fierce as it had ever been. He swallowed forcing himself not to turn around and demand an explanation as to his friends behaviour. That would end up probably with his jaw broken and it had only just stopped smarting from the first time that Owen had taken a swing at him.

"Do you want to get a drink?" Amelia Shepherd asked him as if it was her last hope. Nathan didn't get it. Granted he could imagine what it was like for both Grey and her. Both bonded together by a dead man that would never be able to smooth over the edges between them because he was dead.

In truth he did want to get a drink. He wanted to drown his sorrows and keep drowning them until he did something stupid like perhaps take Amelia Shepherd to bed. That would hurt Owen in the same way that Owen had hurt him. Turning everyone away from him and not allowing him the benefit of a chance to speak not that he even wanted one. He wanted a chance to work not to explain away his every mood.

"No" he said finally. "I want to believe me but I gotta get home to Maya"

Amelia didn't so much as turn her head in his direction after his refusal. Instead she just disappeared around the corner leaving Nathan with the distinct feeling that all was not well with that woman. But either way, he had a girl at home that needed him and he was going to her.

Maya was sat at the table when he walked in glasses on and typing furiously. Her back was stiff with some kind of tension but Nathan supposed that she had not been pleased with him for springing her grandmother on him. There was still so much to talk about even if Evelyn had thrown her arms around his daughter and done her best to ensure that she was at ease for the entire conversation.

There was a pause where she sat there and then she turned to him. From her profile in the half light it was like he was getting back from a shift at the hospital he had worked at, at his residency and he would come in to see Megan working at some kind of paper. They had been young and full of hope that they could change the world then. God they had both been naïve.

"What happened?" Maya asked not looking up.

"Meredith Grey was attacked by a patient today" he said shortly deciding to go with the truth. Maya looked up her face betraying her shock at the news.

"Is she alright?"

The truth was no Meredith Grey was not alright but somehow Nathan suspected that might be the story of that woman's life and he had had a long day and all he wanted to do now was have a stiff drink and a hot bath and go to bed.

"Yeah she will be, bit banged up but she's alive"

"Oh…good…I suppose"

"Yes Maya good. Did you eat?"

"Yeah I ate, I always eat, don't I?"

"Why are you so bitter?"

Maya slammed the laptop down. "I hate him" she said bitterly. "He has no idea none whatsoever what kind of person—I don't get it. Meredith Grey, Amelia Shepherd, April Kepner, Callie Torres, Owen has them all around his finger and it makes me sick, he makes me angry. And I don't like that"

Nathan opened his mouth to say something but she had already stormed off to her room slamming the door shut. Quickly he checked the bin. There was a tin of mushroom soup in it and if he was positioned a little bit more towards Maya's room as he was every night and the TV was on a little lower then that was between him and his maker.

He at this point was feeling mostly indifferent to Owen. Friends they had once been but now he knew the custody complication Owen had once threatened him with was fake and that Evelyn now knew the reason she had been denied access well…he imagined that nothing he could do or say would compare with what she would do to Owen when she got her hands on him. The thought alone made him smile a little into his soup. He had missed that woman more than he had ever admitted even to himself.

* * *

Maya's school day had ended and she decided to go to the hospital. After her night of anger she, had to get herself under control again and the only way she was ever going to do that was to deal with the rumours. Considering Meredith Grey was the source of them and was now confined to a hospital bed she would have no choice but to listen. Maya herself was only doing it because she had found herself last night kneeling over her toliet and had no idea how she had gotten there. She had been doing so good for both her and her Dad and she knew one slip up and it would be all over and she would be back at Day One again.

And Day One, was to her, humiliating.

But she never got there. Instead as she got to the ER entrance to slip through unnoticed she heard the sounds of someone crying. She turned and walked back to the secluded area where the interns sometimes ate. There was Amelia Shepherd, she was clutching a bottle of vodka in her hand and she was sobbing like she had just received the worst news of her entire life. Maya had no idea what to do but instinct (as well as compassion) told her that she should not leave the woman on her own so she smoothed down her grey coat and sat down next to her.

Amelia looked up at her and then started sobbing again.

"Is Meredith dead?" Maya asked. She didn't mean it to sound so blunt but she couldn't help it. She couldn't figure out weather or not it was better or worse if she was.

"No" Amelia said taking another swig of vodka and then another loud sob. "I'm just…I'm just pissing my sobriety down the drain. I told myself after I lost Ryan and my baby that I would never…and now…" she started sobbing again and Maya took the vodka bottle out of her hand and passed her a tissue she found crumbled up in her pocket.

"Booze?"

"Pills" came the reply as Amelia wiped her eyes. Maya took a swig of the vodka and winced. God it was disgusting on it's own.

She didn't know what made her tell Amelia Shepherd. God knows there was no reason too but she wanted to tell her what was going on. That she wasn't alone and she was scared…scared of what would happen if she kept this thing inside of her any longer. Her Dad had tried, had really tried but he didn't understand what was going on inside her.

Perhaps Amelia would?

"For me it was food"

Amelia turned to stare at her. Maya could see realization and horror and then compassion flood her face as she understood what Maya was telling her but there was no pity, no disgust.

"Anorexia?"

"Bulimia. And Binge Eating Disorder. And I suppose Anorexia but…the names blur together after a while. Dad he…he used to go away on tours to Jordan and Syria and other affected areas and he would leave me with a nanny or with someone he worked with. And it worked. I knew it made him happy to be there doing something good. He's…not good with staying still but he did a lot of the time for me. But three months out of the year he would go and he would help. I just…I don't know when it started and I don't know why, one day I just made myself sick and I found that I was calmer and more in control, and then I would eat more and throw up and the pattern continued. I started when I was fourteen and by the time I was fifteen I was pretty good at hiding it from one of the best surgeons I know"

Amelia didn't say anything. Maya continued. It seemed once she had started she couldn't stop.

"He found out one day. I got sloppy, or maybe I wanted him to find out I don't know but he did. He came in with some clean clothes and he found me in the bathroom making myself sick. Then he found the bag of rubbish wrappers and…and it all came out"

"What did he do?" Amelia asked.

"Cried, well we both did, and then we talked and he took me to his hospital and got me checked out and a therapist. I jacked that in last month when we moved. I know sometimes he's scared of what I'll do when I'm alone so I come here a lot and hang out. Seemed like an easy compromise. Or it was until I got here and found Uncle Owen poisoning the waters"

Amelia paused for another long heartbeat. She seemed to be struggling to find the words and Maya didn't blame her but before she could speak Maya was speaking again and this was the question that she so desperately wanted the answer too.

"I've found myself…thinking about it a lot more, since we got here. Last night…I was so angry and I came so close…I just…do you think it ever goes away? That urge? To self destruct?"

"No" Amelia said instantly. "Look at me. This is the third time that I've relapsed. The first time I crashed a car, overdosed and my brother brought me back to life on the bathroom floor, second time I go so high my boyfriend died of an overdose in my arms and the third time…well…"

"No pills?"

"No but this is a gateway. I had a row with Meredith and then…then this happens. I had a row with Derek he died. I had a row with Pete and he died. I just self destruct around people, it's just me. It's just what I do"

"What happened with Meredith?"

"Long story cut short she threw me out"

"So where are you staying?"

"Hospital. Living out of a bag. Oh and don't look like that. I've lived in worse places"

"You wanna come and stay at mine?"

Maya had no idea why she had offered that and she almost cringed at the thought of what her Dad would say but she did and Amelia was now looking at her with a dangerously hopeful expression.

"You cannot drink though" Maya said. "Or do drugs. Pretty sure Dad aint a fan"

Amelia just laughed. It was a little watery but she laughed and that was a start.

* * *

Meredith had woken up to a haze of pain and blurred shapes. She still couldn't speak but she could hear and the pain killers had worn of therefore the pain in her legs. Her eyes were still a little fuzzy.

There was a woman peering over her with dark hair clouding her face that was out of focus.

For a second, for an endless glorious second Meredith thought it was Lexie.

But it wasn't. It was Maya Riggs.

For a second they stared at each other and then Maya spoke.

"One day I'll tell you about what happened all those years ago. One day. But not today. Today i'm torn between anger and misery and I don't know weather or not I should pull your IV out. So I'm going to go but just so you know, I'm not going anywhere, neither is my Dad, so you and Owen better suck it up and get used to it. Because no amount of money or fancy names are going to change that" She leaned in a little closer and smiled. It was not a happy smile. It was one filled with coldness and bitterness that came from a well of inner strength that made Meredith want to hit the nurses button sore arm or no sore arm.

"I spoke to Amelia. She told me what she said to you and she's right, your bitter and hollow because the only man who will ever want you is dead. And your pathetic. How people look up to you I dont know but know this too. I see you and I see who you are underneath that fancy name and that dead husband of yours and you can run around here and pretend that you are the same woman but everytime you look at me know that I will know what you are. Your the child and Amelia Shepherd is ten times the woman that you will ever be."

She straightened up and then winked her face a perfect mask of sweetness so that Owen who had arrived at the nurses station didn't see anything out of the ordinary. She shot Meredith a look of pure, undiluted loathing that shook her more than being attacked ever could and then...

And then she was gone in a wave of green tea scented hair.

Meredith had to give her this. She might be forced into silence but had she been speaking Maya, with her blazing look and her eyes that were cold and dark and yet burning with some sort of intensity all at the same time would have stunned her into silence anyway.

There was something about this girl and this story that she didn't know and she wanted to. Owen wasn't telling her the truth, Riggs was never going to tell her the truth and as for the rest...Well, Meredith needed to know. For her own sake and her own sanity she needed to know what was with this girl when Meredith looked at her and saw the same dark and twisty in her eyes that she had seen before Derek staring out of her own.

* * *

Amelia was sat at the table when Riggs came in. Maya had gone for a shower after she had used one and she had to admit it was good to have a decent long hot shower. Riggs stared at her.

"Maya didn't tell you?"

"Oh she did, some garbled text message that I didn't understand until I read it three times"

"I should go"

"No stay. No point in throwing you on your arse tonight. I'll make up something on the couch for you"

Amelia smiled in relief. She felt itchy in her body again. Tomorrow she was going to go to an AA/NA meeting and speak her truth. She was looking forwards to it in a way.

"She told me you know" she blurted out. "About her eating disorder…we…bonded somewhat. I'm sorry Riggs, I had no idea…does…does anyone…"

What she really wanted to ask was did Owen but the words failed her.

"No" Riggs said looking at her. "And if she doesn't want to tell him herself then I'm not going to and I don't want you to either."

Amelia nodded. That was fair.

"She told you?" he added after a second. She nodded. Riggs grinned at her showing all of his shiny white teeth.

"That's rare. She's never done that. She must really trust you Shep"

Amelia opened her mouth and then closed it feeling a warm feeling in her stomach she had not felt in a while. It was nice to be trusted and wanted and needed again.

"You ok on pasta?"

"Yeah" she said sitting up a bit straighter. She did wonder if she should tell him about Maya's near slip but he looked so happy to have company and she was so warm and comfortable and in control again that she didn't have the heart to do it. Besides if she had told Derek all the times she had nearly slipped up she would have bankrupted him in phone bills.

"Drink?" he asked. She looked at the wine. She wanted, oh did she want it. But…clenching her fingers together and forcing herself to think of the people that mattered she finally managed to get herself under control again at least until tomorrow when she could get herself to a meeting.

"No" she said finally. Her body uncoiled a little. She was on the mend.

* * *

 **And there's that Amelia's point of view I promised and a bit of the Amelia/Riggs friendship that I thought would have been a great thing to add but the writers never did. Again some mention of events that took place in Private Practice but there you go. Also might have been a bit hard on Meredith here but as much as I love her, her attitude to Amelia sometimes makes me want to shake her and also...this friction works out well down the line dont worry.**

 **Next Chapter-Life returns to normal-somewhat Meredith is confused by Amelia and Maya's friendship and her own feelings towards the girl and is going out of her way to avoid Maya. Amelia learns more about Owen's hatred of Riggs and Owen and Maya share an uncomfortable elevator ride in which more than a few home truths are shared.**


	5. What Do You Do?

**Hi, so here is chapter five, I hope you all enjoy this please let me know what you think and I will endeavour to post the next chapter sooner rather than later.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just this story.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And also just to say I do not hate Meredith, I love Meredith Grey she is the first female heroine I ever believed in and I adore her and the story since the very first episode however there are times where I struggle to like her as I do all characters and when she was mean to Amelia as I show in the previous chapter I didn't like her because I love Amelia Shepherd as much as I loved her brother and I love Meredith Grey. So this story does not have any hate Meredith vibes It's just the arc that she went through in the first half of season 12. Also Meredith is not scared of Maya the last chapter Is just about Meredith waking up from a traumatic experience and she and Maya trying to find some power in that episode which ranks in my top ten of Grey's btw. Just to clear up some issues that I know were brought up by the last chapter.**

 **Also I hope you all enjoy this story. The next chapter will branch out over several episodes as there was not a lot of Meredith/Nathan in those episodes and also this is going to be a slow burn story as it was in the show.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 5-What Do You Do?

Life returns to normal-somewhat. Meredith is confused by Amelia and Maya's friendship and her own feelings towards the girl who after a conversation confuses Meredith further. Amelia learns more about Owen's hatred of Nathan and Owen and Maya share an uncomfortable elevator ride in which more than a few home truths are shared.

Episodes Covered-12x10 and 12x11

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Further on up the road. Further on up the road. Where the way is dark and the night is closed. One sunny morning, we'll rise I know. And I'll meet you further on up the road"_** _(Johnny Cash-Further On Up The Road) _

* * *

It was confusing to say the least. She did not say it in her therapy sessions (there were somethings that were considered private after all) but the fact that Amelia and Maya Riggs were now friends was something of a surprise and judging by the look on Owen's face when the girl walked into the ER that one time only to get a smile and a hug from Amelia he was feeling as blind-sighted by what had happened as she had.

There was a pause where she stood there and then she turned and went to therapy. Once the shock and the pain had worn off there had been nothing short of a furious burning sensation that was half curiosity and half fury. Maya Riggs had, had no right to talk to her like that. Like she had been in the wrong. She had forgiven Amelia, something that was harder to do now that Derek was not with her anymore. But she had taken the chip and accepted that she was sober and had accepted that she was not Derek and certainly not Cristina. She had even accepted the ever present Riggs as someone she was not going to get rid of.

Accepting his daughter however was clearly going to be the most complicated thing that she had yet to overcome.

It wasn't that Maya Riggs didn't have a point. Meredith supposed to the untrained eye—who hadn't been there when she had been in the trenches with Owen and Cristina for most—if not all of their marriage—she might be coming across as unfair. Riggs she couldn't deny was a good surgeon and (she would very begrudgingly give him this) very good looking. He was also an exceptional father. Meredith who had never had a good father could see that Riggs would walk through fire for his daughter in a way her father for all his faults and virtues had never been able to do for her.

But there was something about Maya Riggs that made Meredith want to grab her by the throat and shake her and make her listen. Owen might not be perfect and he had made a lot of mistakes in the past but there was also the fact that he had been there for her for over five years and had seen her at her worse. He had been in the OR when she had miscarried, he had been there when she had woke up from the plane crash, he had been there when Cristina had left her and when Derek had died and when she had been attacked. Owen was her family. The problem with that vicious kind of circle was that Maya Riggs was Owen's family. Owen had the right of this she was sure. His hatred couldn't just be grief.

Could it?

And there her mind went swirling around in vicious circles.

When Meredith went back to work she stepped into the attendings room to change and there she was. Maya Riggs. She was sat in an old jumper and faded blue jeans and her laptop in front of her typing away without a care in the world. Her hair was loose today falling across her face in soft waves. Meredith who had three kids knew she did not look like that.

Maya looked up at her when she came into the room and then looked down at her laptop again. There was no sign of emotion on her face but her hand did form into a fist on the table. Meredith hadn't been able to see her face that much and didn't know if that was a dismissal. Either way she didn't care.

"You know" she said as she tied her hair back. "This room is for attendings?"

"Yeah I know" Maya said not looking up. "But it's quiet and I like it here. Plus Amelia's supposed to be meeting me as soon as her intercranial tumour removal is done"

Meredith gazed at her and then shook her head. It would do no good for her to ask how the kid knew that. Meredith knew how she knew that. She'd had a surgeon for a mother as well. Instead she eyed her for a second longer.

"You and Amelia are friends" It wasn't a question.

"Yeah" Maya said leaning back in her chair and finally looking Meredith in the eye. "What's your point?"

"Nothing. I think it's admirable that you want to help her. But you know she's kind of a mess"

Maya's lip curled. "And your so much better? Besides someone had to help her. Not like you were volunteering"

Meredith acknowledged the point with what she hoped was dignity.

"You are such a child"

Ok maybe not.

Maya shook her head turning back to her laptop. "I'm a child. Amelia's a child. Everyone's the child but you"

Meredith gritted her teeth and reminded herself that throttling a seventeen year old would not get her back in the OR.

"Why are you here? Why do you spend time here haunting this place? When I was seventeen I was not at a hospital watching my Dad work"

Actually when she was seventeen she had been drinking and whoring herself around high school with a plan to do it in Europe but that was besides the point.

Maya leaned back again and looked at her.

"Because this place is soothing. And besides you don't care about me haunting this place. You care about me haunting your friend"

Ok this time there was defiantly a point to Maya Riggs.

"You said you'd tell me" Meredith said pointing out the fact that she remembered. Maya Riggs leaning over her and her in the state she was in so nervous at the time being frightened half to death. She remembered looking into the eyes of a kid who was so dark and twisty she could have been Meredith at seventeen. She remembered the smell of green tea shampoo and the lighter notes of jasmine that Maya must spray her clothes with when she put them on. She also remembered the look of disgust.

It had freaked her. Then.

It didn't freak her now.

She had she could say honestly—survived much worse.

"I did" Maya said finally. "And I will. But you don't want to hear anything now that paints Owen in a bad light and this story does. Besides I don't want to tell it. Today is a good day. Also you might want to think about giving Amelia back her AA chip because she needs it a bit more than you do."

Meredith was just about to ask her what the hell that was supposed to mean when the door opened. It was Amelia clutching two coffees. For a second they stared at each other and then Meredith was gone.

She avoided Maya Riggs for the rest of the week.

* * *

Owen had been headed to the elevator his charts in his hands when it dinged open. He was going to the OR gallery to finish them. His resident had been sick and well…the work was not brilliant. DeLuca, Blake and probably Wilson and Edwards were the only four people he trusted at the minute to work in trauma anyway and he needed to go away from the constant tension that sprung up between April and Jackson whenever they were in the same room.

The door pinged open again and he looked up.

It was Maya.

"Oh" she said her tone taking on that flatness she had adopted whenever she saw him. "I can wait"

"No" he said finally. "It's fine…err…I'm only going up two more floors"

Maya watched him for a second and then something shifted. She no longer looked hostile she looked…tired.

"So how are you?"

Maya turned to him her dark hair shifting over her shoulder.

"Fine" she said finally. "Ran into Meredith Grey. She seems…alive…"

"Yeah" Owen said glad that she was not at the very least cursing the very ground he walked upon.

"Amelia's great"

Oh.

"Err…yeah she is"

Maya turned back to face the doors and there was silence before she spoke again.

"You know…Mom wasn't perfect"

Owen turned to look at her.

"I know she wasn't" he said finally trying not to think about his sister and her laugh and the fact that deep down he had known that this was his fault for telling her to come to him rather than staying and trying to work things out with Riggs for the sake of her child.

"And Dad knows he wasn't"

And just like that the mood was gone. The happy mood where it had been him and Teddy and Megan and Riggs in Afghanistan and they had been like their own little family, their own little community away from the rest of the world where nothing from there could hurt them. Just each other. And Riggs had betrayed that.

"Why do you think he's so perfect?" he asked moving so that he was in front of her. Maya looked at him and she looked exhausted. There was no malice in her face, for a second she looked like the same lost little kid who he had seen that night he and Riggs had come home from searching barely able to speak to each other and Maya had been there in her pyjama's awake and barely able to keep her eyes open but just desperate for news that they had both known was not coming. He could see the child in his niece that had been hardened and chipped away by loss and pain and something else that he couldn't put his fingers on.

"Because he was there" Maya said as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"He was in Jordan!" Owen exclaimed. "How many times did he leave you when you were growing up to help the less fortunate? And yet that was ok with you?"

"Owen it was his job. And yeah I got it because unlike someone we both know he always came back"

"That's not fair" Owen said knowing instantly what she was talking about or more like who she was talking about. "If your Mom could come back then she would have done and you know it. If she could be alive to watch you grow up into the woman that you are you don't think she would have been there?"

Maya stared at him and this time her eyes were filled with some kind of pity that was so terrible it made him pause—actually it hurt him to look at her. But he couldn't look away.

"I wasn't talking about Mom, Uncle Owen" she said softly. "I was talking about you" and with that bombshell dropped the doors to the next floor pinged open and his niece deftly stepped out and walked down the hallway to the cafeteria her dark hair swinging over her shoulder and Owen was left feeling like she had just took her mother's old army knife and gutted him right across the stomach.

* * *

"Nathan was engaged to my little sister Megan. Riggs was there when we lost her. He was my best friend" The words were swirling around her head and she needed a minute to take them in.

Owen had a sister. Well…that much she had known about because of Maya's existence and from what the girl had told her she knew that said sister…no Megan was dead.

Riggs had been engaged to her. Again made sense. Maya's father and all. But the thing that didn't make sense to her was what had happened between Maya Riggs and Owen that was so bad that he had walked away from his nieces life. She understood anger and she understood the pain being too great for him to talk but walking away from Maya was something she didn't understand.

"Why did you leave? Maya I mean…I get it Owen I do I get Riggs but…she's a kid, she was a kid then and she's a kid now. What could she have done ten years ago that made it so damn impossible for you to even try and reach out to your niece? Tell me that and then we never have to talk about this again—not if you don't want to"

Owen hesitated.

"Maya was seven, and she looks like Riggs but when the grief wore off she got angry, this little seven year old angry and then there was some kind of war with her. Like she wanted to speak but she couldn't. And…and she looked like Meg. And I was seeing Meg—a girl like my sister loving a man that lost her, her mother and…and it was all tied up in what was there. Maya, Megan, Riggs, Beth, Teddy, Iraq…all of it. And it just got easier to put Megan and Riggs and Maya in a box and forget that they were there"

Amelia stared at him and then nodded. She could understand that as well.

"She's a good kid. I mean a really good kid. And Riggs is a good surgeon and a good father, he adores that kid and she adores him. Maybe when you get angry you should think about that"

She wasn't sure if she got through to him but she was sure that he had heard her words and that was something.

"Are you still crashing on his couch?"

"Yes" she was unashamed of it. God knows she had much to be ashamed off but crashing on Nathan's couch was not one of them.

Owen nodded though it was more to himself than to her.

Amelia nodded and caught sight out of the corner of her eye Meredith walk to her car.

* * *

"There's something about Riggs daughter that I don't get" Meredith said that night as Alex stuffed his face with pizza.

"Theres a lot of things about Riggs that I don't like" Alex said slurping down half his beer in a move so like something he had done when they had been interns and starving over food that Meredith had to roll her eyes.

"No this is different. His daughter is different, she's…different" she finished lamely. Alex looked at her and then a strange kind of look came into his eye that Meredith knew just meant trouble.

"You sure it's her and not him?"

"Don't be ridiculous" Meredith snapped.

Alex grinned stuffing his face again and then reached for the remote.

"What do you do about it?" he asked flipping through channels.

Meredith sighed tapping her fingers on Amelia's AA chip that she had still kept and hadn't given back for reasons she was not sure why.

What to do about Maya Riggs?

What to do?

What do you do indeed?

* * *

 **Please let me know what you think and enjoy this chapter.**

 **Next Chapter-Meredith operates on a patient as her first patient returns, Riggs tells Meredith his story and Maya receives a gift from Amelia leading to Owen and Nathan having a moment where they both acknowledge the woman their niece/daughter has become. **

**Enjoy**


	6. Unleashed

**Hi, so here is another chapter. This again is a slow burn Meredith/Nathan as I slowly work my way through Season 12. I am back at university so updates might be a bit slower than usual so please keep that in mind and thank you all so much for your kind reviews and words as this story has progressed.**

 **Some of the episodes will be skipped over as there is not much Meredith/Nathan so please be aware of that.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **Also trigger warnings for eating disorders as always.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 6-Unleashed.

Meredith operates on her patient as her very first returns. Riggs tells Meredith his story and Maya receives a gift from Amelia, leading to Owen and Nathan having a moment where they both acknowledge Megan's daughter and the woman that their niece/daughter has become.

Episodes Covered-12x12

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Come on, come on. Put your hands into the fire. Explain, Explain. As I turn and meet the power. This time, this time, turning white and senses dying. Pull up, pull up. From one extreme to another"_** _(Thirteen Senses-Into The Fire)_

* * *

Katie Bryce was back. Wow. Katie Bryce was back. Suddenly she was wondering weather or not she was going to see Derek come around the hallway his hair rumpled in a way that made her want to run his hands through it and then there was that cold awakening that reminded her that he was dead.

And Amelia was in charge of the damn thing. That was the very definition of unfair. And now she was standing there with her hands on the chest of a patient she had walked through hell and back to get cancer free and then the whole thing came crashing down and she was now holding pressure and using the woman who had robbed her off her husband (and yeah that might be unfair but it was comforting sometimes when she was feeling low and down about herself and her choices and her marriage) was now standing there showing her the picture of the largest brain tumour that she had ever seen.

Oh and too top matters of Riggs was also in the room with her. Riggs with his stupid accent and his dimples and well defined muscles and his daughter who was not here but still had that confidence and arrogance and the knowledge that her parent loved her no matter what that Meredith would have murdered for at her age.

Meredith gritted her teeth. Privately she agreed with Riggs assessment that the tumour was a monster and that Amelia was not going to easily take it out but she didn't want to say so. She turned to face him as Daphne's eyelashes fluttered somewhat. She would have preferred to ask him this in private as she was going to do about the whole having a child with Owen's sister and the helicopter thing that Owen had told her about months previously but she couldn't help herself. This was a question she needed a burning answer too. But how to phrase it? How to phrase it in a way that she didn't question Riggs parenting because while she might be on the fence about the man she couldn't deny even to herself that he was both a great surgeon and a great father.

"How's Maya?" she asked in what she hoped was a calm tone that didn't betray her burning curiosity. Riggs turned to her his expression surprised before it morphed into one of resigned defiance.

"Did she say something to you?"

Meredith paused for a second remembering like it was yesterday the look of distain on Maya Riggs face as she had looked down at Meredith beaten and bruised and told her that she was hollow and mean and something to be pitied rather than lauded. She shook her head. She had been angry at that girl for a time after that but what she had said about there being two sides of the story had struck a cord with her.

"No" she lied. "I was just asking because…well…she said that Owen was wrong about what had happened between you too. That there was more to it that he ever understood"

She looked up then to see Riggs stare at her with eyes dark with pain.

"I don't know what she means by that" he said and Meredith took it to be the truth because after nearly thirteen years working in this hospital she understood her own instincts better than most and she trusted the assumption she had come to on her own that was that Maya Riggs was more damaged by what had happened to her than she had ever let her father believe. He tilted his head to the side now and then there was something in his eyes that was so powerful it took Meredith's breath away and she had to look down at her hands so that she didn't start telling him everything that had happened between her and his daughter right there and then.

She understood it to be concern. He was concerned about his daughter. It was powerful concern so powerful that she had took away, fatherly concern her brain supplied her with. It was fatherly concern and it was strange to her because she had never seen it directed in her direction before. Not even in those days where Susan had been encouraging affection between her and her father where Meredith had believed that she could have a father and Derek and George had been alive and Izzie had been with Alex and the world had seemed so very bright and the future so wide and opening in front of her.

"Meredith" Riggs said pulling her out from her box of memoires. She forced herself to look at him and found that look in his eye again. She might doubt him as a man, she might believe what Owen told her about that helicopter crash but Meredith couldn't in good conscious defend anything Owen said about his niece not having a good father because it was written all over her fellow surgeon's face.

"Yeah" she said hoping her tone was as flippant as it could be given the circumstances.

"Is there something I should know?"

Well that was a question wasn't it. There were certainly things that Meredith wanted to know but was there things that Riggs needed to know about?

"No. But I know she's friends with Amelia and Amelia…well…Amelia isn't perfect that's all"

Riggs snorted. "Are any of us?" he asked and Meredith was just about to answer him when Blake ruined the moment by coming in and her patient whose blood was running all over her fingers suddenly presented with sepsis.

And the clock started ticking.

* * *

The name of the game had taught Meredith a long time ago that you lost patients. It happened. And experience was a brutal teacher, there had been Denny, George, Reed and Charles in that shooting, Lexie, Mark, the intern Heather that had assisted on her service a couple of times and had not been completely useless…Derek…so many people she had loved and lost and so it was no longer a blow when she lost a patient. This one however was different for reasons she could not explain anymore. This one was different.

And Meredith couldn't help but ask the man who had called time of death when she had been unable to what had happened between him and the person her best friend had asked her to protect when she had not been able to do it herself.

"Why did you come here? What happened between you and Owen?"

It might be pushy, it might be cruel to make him relive this thing but Meredith honestly was too tired of her thoughts at night wondering what had happened to care anymore. She was too tired of seeing Maya Riggs and wondering weather today was going to be the day a woman half her age with more scars than Meredith had ever had was going to tell her why she viewed the world with such dark eyes that reminded Meredith of her at her darkest moments more than she ever wanted to.

Riggs sighed and Meredith knew that he had known this was coming and that he had probably known it was coming from her. But still she refused to feel bad about it. She had already lost her cancer free patient today and that made her feel pretty shitty without anything else adding to it.

"What did he tell you?" he asked finally. "If your such good friends with Hunt why don't you tell me what he told you"

"He says you put his sister in a helicopter and it crashed"

Riggs sighed as if the memories pained him even ten years later. Meredith who didn't fly anymore and didn't like swimming so much because of…events previous…didn't have to imagine what that was like.

"Yeah" Riggs said finally "I suppose I did. One patient, space for one person on the chopper, dangerous airspace and…we did hundreds of them over there it was part of the job and it wasn't even like it was something we thought about. I offered to go because…well…she was going home that day, she was going home straight after that shift, that batch of patients to Maya. Owen was already en route to Germany, Evelyn was there she would look after her when duty called. That woman's got more grit than most officers I ever served with and…and she was desperate to get back to Maya so I offered but she said no…I mean—" he said finally with the air of a man who had thought of nothing else for a long time. "It was her patient I understand it, it's nothing you or me have done or even Owen…and it went down and that was it, no wreckage, no body, no ransom demands…nothing"

Meredith took a moment to let that sink in as she tried to imagine. For Owen it must have been terrible, for Riggs even more so, but for Maya? Maya? God no wonder the kid had issues. No wonder she had anger. Meredith could understand it now. Her own issues with her mother aside, Maya had never even had that closure that she had, had when the great Ellis Grey had died. But that still left questions unanswered and now that Riggs was going to ask them she found her curiosity was burning bright.

"So that's why he doesn't like you. You put her in the helicopter and it crashed?" She hadn't meant for the tone to be so accusing but it was and she could have kicked herself as she saw the shutters visibly go down in Riggs eyes cutting off any information that she could have ever gained from this conversation.

Riggs shrugged. "Don't go asking about your dead husband do I?"

And then he was gone and Meredith was left with more questions than she ever could have the answers too.

* * *

Maya was walking towards her Dad's car coffee in hand when a hand shot out and dragged her into an on call room. She turned around to see Meredith Grey standing there looking more frightening than Maya had ever seen her. Mentally she tried to calculate her chances against the older woman but they didn't look very good she had to admit.

"Can I help you?"

"I know about your mother and the helicopter crash, your father told me so I don't know why you blame Owen but it needs to stop and you need to see someone"

Maya stared at her and then laughed once. It was not a pleasant sound.

"Good God woman I don't blame Owen. I don't like Owen because when I needed him he wasn't there but I don't blame him for that helicopter crash, nothing I can say to him would erase the fact that he blames himself. No…what I have a problem with is her…my mother for stuff that I don't need to explain to your of my father"

"You told me you'd tell me the story"

"Yes and now you have it. She got on a helicopter and it crashed and they never found a body and Owen couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand it and he made damn sure he found someone to blame because that's what he does. But she was coming to speak to him, I know Dad thinks she was coming for me but she wasn't she was coming to him, that's why he blames himself so for him it's easier to hate someone else. But Mom…Mom wasn't perfect Meredith and there was a lot of things behind the scenes that I didn't tell anyone. Things she would make me promise not to say and guilt me and…" she shook her head suddenly terrified that she had said too much in front of this woman and that she was opening up a box she had shut the lid on the last time she had stuck her fingers down her throat. She couldn't open that box again otherwise she would start eating again and never stop.

"Meredith the problem was never Owen but the one time I needed him he walked away so I don't forgive or forget and the problem was certainly never my father. I had a Mom who didn't know how to be a Mom who didn't even want to and I don't know why she had me but she was surgery first or at least that's how I remember her because even when she was alive nine times out of ten she was over there and he was with me. So…I don't know but…but I don't know" she finished lamely because she didn't know.

She didn't know what happened to her mother. She didn't know what happened that night between her father and her Uncle, all she knew was what she had seen about what she had lied about, and always the guilt that was there, that she had lied about her mother being faithful so her Dad could have some piece of mind about his relationship and so she could keep that last promise to her mother. And look where the guilt had gotten her. There was a pause where she stood there and looked this woman in the eye and knew she was showing more than she should.

"Look. I've already said too much, if he's told you about the helicopter then you know about the story. The rest of it is between me and a dead woman so…"

Meredith paused as if she was desperate to ask something more but the she changed tack without so as a flinch in her expression.

"Are you alright?"

Maya paused taking in the many different ways that she could go with that question and then she shook her head and was mortified to find that she could feel tears burning behind her eyelashes.

"No" she said finally. "No Doctor Grey I have never been alright"

And with that she was out of the door and running out of the hospital before she turned around and said or did something that she regretted.

* * *

Amelia let herself into Riggs apartment with the key that she was determined to return. She was nearing sixty days sober, life with Owen was good and she was now going to get her life back on track. She just had to pack some of her stuff up and give Maya Riggs the gift that she suspected the girl would like.

Maya was sat at the counter a bag of chips in front of her. They were open but the girl was not eating and when she looked up as Amelia shut the door with a bang and a curse word or two she looked guilty almost.

"You ok?" Amelia said watching her closely.

"Yeah" Maya said turning back to her bag of chips.

Amelia knew a lie when she heard one but in all honestly she wasn't sure how to navigate a conversation with this girl about something that she didn't understand. She knew some people in the medical community considered eating disorders the same as addiction but she didn't know enough to start a conversation with Maya about it. And…thinking about slipping wasn't slipping Amelia knew that by heart.

"I got you a gift, to say thank you for letting me stay" she said holding out the jar that she had gotten one of her interns to wrap with the promise of scrubbing in on the very brain tumour removal that had inspired this gift.

Maya opened it the wrappings falling away and at once her glum expression shifted into something joyful and yeah Amelia thought to herself, that was the silver lining she was looking for-only the child of two surgeons got like this over something like that. It was inherited.

"Is that…?"

"A large ugly, gnarly brain tumour that glows in the dark with dye that I used in people's brains and stuck in a re-enforced pickling jar so that it doesn't compromise safety yeah…yeah it is. Figured if you were going the same way as your parents and Owen I might stick my oar in and get you to consider Nuro"

Maya shot her a disbelieving look. "Is it safe?"

"Oh yeah it's welded shut and the girl whose brain I took it out off doesn't care. So it's yours"

Maya stared at the gift for a second and then hugged her. Amelia grinned as she hugged her back. Today had been one of the days where it had been worth all the aggro. She found however that she wanted this, Riggs, Meredith, Callie, Arizona, they all had children to come home too. She could have had that she supposed. Perhaps it was time to think about it again. When she hit sixty days and got herself a place to live of course.

"Thank you" she said looking at the tumour with a kind of dreamy look on her face and Amelia found she couldn't stop smiling. That was the look she thought of a brain surgeon in the making.

* * *

Nathan had been on the way to the OR for a consult on one of Torres's hip replacements who needed cardiac monitoring when Owen stepped in. For a second the two of them stood there and then Owen sharply turned his back on him. Nathan rolled his eyes—he was too tired of this behaviour for it to mean anything now. Best to ignore it altogether.

"Thanks" Owen said quietly. "For taking in Amelia when she needed it"

Oh…wait were Shepherd and Owen…oh…well that explained a lot.

"That's ok, she's good company, besides she's gone now. Maya likes her a lot"

Owen nodded and because he was an idiot Nathan carried on the conversation.

"She gave Maya a tumour in a pickling jar as a goodbye gift. It lights up in the dark"

Owen turned to stare at him in disbelief Nathan nodded at his expression. "It's by her bed" he said unable to stop himself from smiling at the memory of it.

Owen laughed. "God I would have killed for something like that when we were in medical school"

Nathan grinned talking of the last thing they both had of Megan reuniting them for the moment.

"Didn't we all. Problem is I think if she's going to be a surgeon we lost her to Nuro before she's even out of High School. Caught her this morning looking at a model of a brain on her phone"

"Great, cardio and two trauma surgeons and she goes for the delicacy of Nuro" Owen laughed. "Brilliant."

The elevator pinged open and it was like the warmth of their conversation ended when their journey did. Owen was gone and Nathan was left standing there trying to pretend that it didn't hurt that after all this time and all this knowledge of what had transpired between Owen and he, there was still that divide between them that had been unleashed when they had received news that, that helicopter had gone down all those years ago.

* * *

 **And there you are let me know what you think.**

 **Next Chapter-Riggs learns the secret to Amelia's distain of Penny Blake. Amelia comes to a realisation. Meredith shares her doubts with Alex who thinks there might be a reason why Meredith is so interested in Riggs and Maya as she tries to come to terms with moving on from her husband.**


	7. I Walk Away

**Hi, so here is another chapter-I hope you all enjoy this one-this is a little bit of a filler chapter and nothing much real plot begins in the next four or so kind of chapters and while the Merthan is kind of slow burning we all know what happens at the end of Season 12.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine,**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And I will endeavour to have the next chapter posted sooner rather than later.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 7-I Walk Away.

Nathan learns the secret to Amelia's distain for Penny Blake. Amelia comes to a painful realisation. Meredith shares her doubts with Alex who thinks there might be a reason why Meredith is so interested in Riggs and as she tries to come to terms with the loss of her husband.

Episodes Covered-12x14

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _I walk alone, besides myself, nowhere to go. My flesh and bone. This part of me, the seeds I've sown"_** _(Flesh and Bone-Black Math) _

* * *

The next weeks flew by and it was almost like he was finally getting used to working in this place. Owen was still treating him with thinly veiled distain and Meredith Grey had taken to shooting him looks that Nathan couldn't read whenever they were in the same room. Maya was still drifting about for lack of a better word but there were now dark circles under her eyes that she continued to brush off whenever he asked her about it. There was something happening with his daughter he was pretty sure. He had a feeling it was not something to do with food—he had been watching her a meal times closely and she didn't do any of the things that he had long ago dismissed and not seen as warning signs.

But there was still something that had the side of him that was used to threats coming from all over and he had a feeling that he couldn't shake and it was putting him more and more on edge.

Though he had to admit the change of pace was nice. It was nice to do the longer surgeries and the more interesting cases and helping people who still in their own way did need him, instead of doing what he could making sure they got sent on their way and hoping for the best and then turning to the next patient he was finally being able to spend more time with them, to get to know them and talk to them and do all the things you could never do whenever you were in a war zone or a relief zone.

And if he was being honest with himself he had to admit that he was enjoying having actual brand new shiny toys and the latest surgical implements to play around with.

He had yet to find a resident that gelled with him yet. Wilson was with Torres most of the time, Meredith had complete demand over Penny Blake. Amelia liked Edwards, Jackson Avery liked Ben Warren, perhaps DeLuca had potential out of all of the interns and another intern named Cross wasn't a complete idiot even if he acted like it most of the time. Who knew? Stranger things had happened after all, and he had to admit Nathan wanted someone to teach.

Especially as he suspected that he had lost his daughter to Nuro if that damn floating brain was anything to go by that was still on the shelf next to his daughter's bed. He swallowed again as he stepped into the elevator only to see Amelia and Owen in the middle of planning a date.

Huh…well…the snide part of him that had not gotten over the fact that Owen blamed him for his sister's disappearance in a freak force of nature wanted to say that Owen had done better than he could have imagined and then he wanted nothing more to than to kick himself because going down that road was to really consider who was responsible for Megan getting on that chopper and he was not going to do that minutes before he was going to be handed a scalpel and someone's beating heart.

Amelia at least smiled to him as she pulled away from Owen. It was made rather awkward due to the body and the bed that the patient was in and he paused looking around at her and smiling back as Owen with a face like thunder stormed out of the elevator and Penny Blake looking as if she was going to the gallows stepped in.

"How's Maya doing?" Amelia asked either not seeing Blake standing there looking as if she wished she could be anywhere but here or doing a wonderful job of ignoring her.

"That damn brain tumour is by her bed and she's been looking up both you and your bother all weekend. You converted my kid Shep. I think she likes Nuro to much"

Amelia gave a laugh looking like a little kid on Christmas. "I knew it" she said. "And that hurts you Cardio god doesn't it?"

"Well you try having a kid that raised by a Cardio and a Trauma surgeon with a Trauma surgeon as an uncle and a trauma nurse as a grandmother and then have her come and tell you that instead of liking the pace and the rush and the adrenaline she prefers to be delicate and detailed and poking around people's brains"

Amelia laughed again. "So good" she said. "Hey" she said as if the idea had just come to her. "Why don't you get her to come into the gallery one day as I do some surgeries. Actually I could get her in the room if I got Webber on board"

"Shep please tell me you are not going to give my sixteen year old a clamp and tell her to clip an brain bleed" he said unable to stop his grin. "Because both common sense and insurance will tell you that is a disaster in the making"

"I've never been a fan of common sense" Amelia said beaming "And Maya seems smart"

"Yeah she is but I've never been a fan of malpractice suits"

Amelia laughed. Penny Blake coughed and then the whole happy feeling that was in the room died a death as Amelia Shepherd became a woman of stone.

Well…that was interesting.

What was it with Blake. If she was dead fish then there was no point in teaching her at all and if she wasn't then…well…if it was her vs Amelia then he had to give Blake some credit. He knew enough to know what he was like when he had to be strong enough when everyone was whispering about you. He at least was an attending in dark scrubs with the benefit of a lifetime of aid work and the military to the rank of Major had given him some backbone but he had not been a resident with at least three years more training to learn a fellowship to go after and trying to start a career.

And that was even before he managed to get a look at the patient.

This was why he didn't miss the military he thought watching Gail the husband's wife and the man's mistress sitting there spitting looks at each other that was so dark he felt like he was walking through hell just looking at them—if he believed in that kind of thing of course. Patients like this were too interesting to him. Drama like this took his mind of what was going off in his own personal life and judging by Shep's slightly gritted teeth the same could be said for her as well.

"So what's the deal with Blake?" Riggs asked her as they were heading down to surgery. Amelia looked at him as if he had just asked who she had lost her virginity too and why.

"Look" he amended before he turned her against him too. "I'm the new guy and if she is the dead fish then I would like to know. I too am looking for somebody to teach"

Amelia looked at him for a beat longer and then looked away as if the question was too painful to answer. She looked as if she was struggling to find the words and then without warning her hand stopped the elevator and they were plunged into darkness.

"My brother was Derek Shepherd. The other Shepherd. Well you know his career I suppose"

Nathan nodded because everyone knew of Derek Shepherd even if you were in Iraq nine times out of ten. They did get medical journals after all even if they were a bit late and he knew all about the spinal tumour that was supposed to be inoperable that he had pulled out and he also knew that Derek Shepherd was one of the best that there was. And he also knew that he had died last year because of a brain bleed (and if that wasn't the very definition of ironic then he wasn't sure what was).

"You know he was married to Meredith?"

He nodded again because everyone knew that story, of the attending who had begun a relationship with his intern. It wasn't uncommon and Nathan would be lying would he to say that he had not indulged in those relationships himself when he had been lonely and desperate and confused with a child at home who got quieter and quieter as the days went by.

There was a pause where he stood there and imagined Meredith Grey as a wife. It was a happier picture than the one that he was going to see when he stepped off this floor no doubt. It wasn't that he didn't understand Meredith Grey it was that she made no effort to understand him. Even though he had tried.

"The night my brother died Blake was his doctor in the trauma room"

Nathan's eyebrows rose without him being able to stop them and tried to school his expression into something that was becoming rapidly surprised. He had no idea why Blake had been given a job here if there had been a death attached to her—the death of Derek Shepherd which was no joke. Meredith Grey was not a pushover and neither was Amelia Shepherd and yet they had both come to work each day and manged to work with Blake.

"She pushed for a head ct. She was denied and therefore my brother died of a brain bleed. He had an open wound and the doctor that was out to lunch waited too long."

There was a pause as he took that in.

"We all make mistakes" he said lightly. "Your going to look me in the eye and tell me as a resident you never made them. Blame the attending if you want to but she…well…it's probably not fun for her either"

"What?" Amelia asked him turning to look at him.

"You know about me and Owen, you know about Maya, and you and Owen are clearly tight…how much did he tell you about me?"

Amelia was silent and that was really all he needed to know.

* * *

Blake was good. God she was good. She had all the rare talent for brain surgery that she had, that Derek had, that with schooling and training and time Maya Riggs had. Nuro was something you were born with, you could either do it or you couldn't. It wasn't trauma, it was peds, it wasn't cardio where things could be learnt over time. It was different, you either had the delicate nature for this or you didn't. Either way it didn't change anything. Blake was good for this.

And now Amelia had to teach her.

She had allowed Derek to die of a brain bleed and Amelia now had to teach her how to be Derek.

She couldn't do it.

She couldn't do it.

She had to do it.

And there was nothing that she could do to stop it.

God she felt sick again.

She wanted…she wanted…

She wanted Owen.

* * *

"I don't like him" Alex said not looking up from his magazine. "Oh he's good I'll give him that, he has talent and charm and he gives a shit about his patients, and you and I have both seen doctors that don't but I don't like him and there's something about his kid Mer. You look at her and she looks older than both of us combined"

Meredith nodded.

"What do you think it is? That she defends him without even flinching?"

"I think she sees him as the only parents she is ever going to have and she knows it. I think she sees him as the only thing she has. And you and I don't know anything about this because we had shitty dads that never stuck around. Riggs is a good dad. And anyway why do you care?"

"I don't" Meredith said finally. "I mean…" she put a load of washing in the machine and then turned to snatch back her cereal box that he was munching straight out of"

"I want to…there's something that happened Alex, it's more than a helicopter crash and she knows it and more to the point it's like she keeps the secret as some kind of punishment and she draws on it as some kind of strength at the same time. I've never met anyone like her Alex. Sometimes I think…"

"You think she's more like you, dark and twisty but yet desperate to be loved?"

Meredith shot him a look that she knew was less than polite.

"Hey" Alex said standing up and reaching for the wine. "Hey I've known you for over ten years Mer I know how you think but Maya Riggs is something else and I just got you back from that year you took out. Riggs and his daughter is his concern she is not yours. If she's messed up because her Mom never came back then you can't fix it and your just making things worse."

Meredith tried to ignore that he was right. There was the fact that it was none of her business but there was a fact that this had moved passed finding out what the hell had gone on between Owen and Riggs. This was about a girl who was so wrapped up in mystery and damage that it was like looking in a mirror.

And then there was Riggs. He wasn't Derek. But there was something about him that she couldn't put her finger on. There was something…there was something…there was always going to be something.

"Is there another reason why you want to spend time with this girl and her father?" Alex said in one of those rare moments where he knew what was going on more than she did. Where he knew her better than she knew herself, when he was her person.

"No" Meredith said shaking her head and pulling herself out of those thoughts, the dangerous kind. She had that army guy now didn't she?

"Not at all"

"Then walk away" Alex said finally. "And let that kid live her life and let Owen and Riggs get on with theirs. Not worth it"

"I know" Meredith defended herself suddenly before turning her back so that her oldest friend wouldn't see her face and know that she was lying and confused and feeling so horribly sad and alone.

If she had turned around she would have seen that the look on Alex's face told her that he had seen all of that and was now looking at her with that strange expression he reserved for her, that wasn't quite pity, wasn't quite empathy but an understanding that came when you knew that you didn't want to be alone anymore and that all you wanted was someone who understood that whatever happened your heart would beat for one person for a long time, even after death.

* * *

 **Next Chapter-Owen tells Meredith the truth about the night Megan disappeared. Meredith tells Maggie, Maggie tells Maya and Maya explodes telling her secrets, her lies and her soul to the entire hospital with far reaching consequences for everyone involved.**

 **And there you go hope you enjoy this chapter and I look forwards to giving you the next one. **


	8. Sometimes You Just Can't Win

**Hi, so here is another chapter and i hope you all enjoy this one.**

 **A note on this chapter-the relationship between Megan and Riggs and her cheating on him is cannon but the affair being a year long is my own plot device so please keep that in mind.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And next chapter should be up sooner rather than later. Longer note at the end but as always some trigger warnings for eating disorders and language**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 8-Sometimes You Just Can't Win

Owen tells Meredith the truth about the night Megan disappeared. Meredith tells Maggie, Maggie tells Maya (and several other people) and Maya explodes telling her lies and spilling her soul for the entire hospital to hear with far reaching consequences for everyone involved.

Episodes Covered-12x17

* * *

" _ **But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all? And if you close your, does it almost feel like you've been here at all?"**_ _(Pompeii, Bastille)_

* * *

In all honesty Meredith was expecting a murder. Riggs was staring out the window ever since the announcement that Amelia was an alcoholic and a drug addict and Meredith was willing to bet a weeks worth of coffee (and considering she was a surgeon that was a lot of coffee) on the fact that he was thinking very hard about why or even if his daughter knew and had not told him when Amelia had been staying at their house.

Owen on the other hand looked as if he was about to commit murder.

Meredith sighed and wondered if this truck had any morphine that she could shoot herself up with if it god bad. Traffic when you were racing for an organ was bad enough. This was torture. This was painful, it was like…holding a bomb again.

She might be fearless but even she had her limits. After all she did have three kids and this toxic environment was not helping her temper nor her desire to go into a room and cut away dead tissue rather than cutting up Owen and Riggs because she thought their behaviour childish. And then there was the ever present ghost of Megan Hunt. Meredith considered what Maya had told her and had come to the conclusion that perhaps she and Maya had mothers who were the same more than they were different. Perhaps Megan had been like Ellis had been, simply content with a career and not content with children, maybe Riggs had been the one to fight for Maya in the same way Thatcher had fought for her and Owen had tried to fight for Cristina and their baby. Perhaps Megan was not the mother she had wanted to be, she had been a surgeon first and Meredith could understand both her position and her daughters with a clear cut clarity that she never wanted to know again.

But that still didn't change things, Owen was her friend and she had believed Owen and more to the point she had promised Cristina that she would make sure Owen didn't collapse on himself. This right now was a different thing, this thing that she felt for a girl half her age, this sympathy mixed with anger underpinning something that could have been understanding was too potent for her name it and Riggs…well…Alex was right Meredith thought. Alex was right. On her part she was beginning to suspect there was something there.

Oh he was no Derek she thought a warmth running through her when she thought about her husband. A man like Derek only came around once in someone's lifetime but she remembered what it was like to fall for Derek and the interest she had felt for him and she had remembered it well enough…she was feeling the same thing for Riggs more so than her Army Medic (and that had ended disastrously had it not?) and that was something she had to think about. Her friend or the possibility of something new?

And to cap it all off the heart and the lungs packed up and there was nobody to blame. Their patient was back on the transfer list and there was a chance that they would die and there was nothing that they could do about it. Of course Owen blamed Riggs and Meredith watching the other man storm off couldn't help but feel quite om his side this time.

"This has got to stop" she told him quietly. "You and I both know he didn't know about Amelia and she didn't make him buy her that drink—if someone had told him what was going on it wouldn't have happened and that day Amelia was so low anyone could have bought her a drink and she drank it not Riggs and you and I both know that if she was here she'd tell you that herself, as for your sister he didn't put her in that helicopter she got in herself and you know he would have gone in her place"

Owen turned to look at her then his face alight with so much hatred Meredith felt herself press back into the ambulance a sudden image of the wild look that he had had when she had arrived at his place all those years ago to see Cristina in the bathroom with bruises on her neck. This was the very thing she had sworn to her best friend that she was going to, keep Owen from imploding.

And then he told her his side of the story.

Riggs had cheated on his sister.

Well, he had left that one out hadn't he.

She considered that fact for a long time. It would be three o clock before Maya eventually came into the hospital from school and even then Meredith was unsure how long she could keep pumping this girl for information about what she had seen back when she was a child. So she went to the next best thing-her sisters, Amelia was her first choice because Amelia had lived with Riggs even if she had been on the couch but Amelia was in surgery and that left Maggie who would be able to tell her from working with the man if Riggs was telling the truth of if Owen was and which story was more credible.

And failing that she was going to Maya.

"Hey" she said tugging on Maggie's sleeve so that they went into the conference room. "I need your opinion on something"

That proved to be a fatal mistake.

* * *

Maya had been looking at the OR board wondering if she might be able to sneak into surgery when she felt that age old knowledge that she was being watched and the object of whispers. She gripped one hand around her stomach trying to hold herself up straighter a habit she had inherited since her mother's funeral that had never really been a funeral because there had been no body complete with a fist fight between her Dad and her Uncle which for an eight year old had been pretty confusing.

Anyhow she stood there for a second and then she turned around and nodded to herself. She had suspected that she was being talked about and it was confirmed when she noted that everyone had been stood there looking at her. But still she kept her head held high, she was not a woman to break down emotionally and certainly not in public (at least not if she could help it) and she turned to the desk to see Alex Karev watching her. There was no curiosity in his eyes. He looked almost pitying and she wondered weather he knew what it was like when you were looked at like it was a freak. Maya raised an eyebrow at him and he understood what it was that she was asking without her even having to ask.

"Your old man was cheating on your Mom" he said without trying to spare her feelings and she swallowed not giving him an inch. She had known that. One thing about being a kid with parents for surgeons who spent their time in the hospital as if it was a second home had taught her both her parents secrets and God knows Owen had not been quiet when he had been in their lives before disappearing trying to pretend that his hands weren't covered in blood as much as everyone else's was.

"You knew?" Alex asked and Maya nodded. Alex stared at her and then nodded looking surprised but not too shocked. Perhaps he understood what it was to have one parent and to forgive them for their lies because you were guilty of a lie too.

"Owen told Meredith that's why your Mom got on the helicopter, Meredith told Maggie and I think Maggie told DeLuca who she's sleeping with or she was sleeping with and not realised that interns gossip like it's a dying art. DeLuca probably didn't know it was secret so don't go all murderous on him"

Maya closed her eyes and then opened them again trying to stop her hands from shaking. She knew instantly that she was failing and so she took a deep breath and looked Alex Karev in the eye.

"Are Meredith and Owen fucking?" she asked.

Alex Karev laughed as if that was the funniest thing that he had ever heard and then shook his head.

"No. But she owes Cristina—Owen's ex—a promise that she wouldn't let Owen break when she left him and Mer is loyal to her friends even when they don't deserve it. Trust me, she's more likely to sleep with your father than she is Owen"

And Maya believed him.

"She was sleeping around too. Dad…he had a one night stand but she was having an affair for nearly a year and a half and I knew and she asked me not to say and then she disappeared so I didn't"

Alex sighed as if he was thinking about it and she looked at him and then he shook his head.

"I get it. I do. Caught in the middle between two parents, god knows I'm not gonna judge you. Did enough lying for my parents and it took me a long time to get over it. Developed some nasty habits. Sometimes you just cannot win though."

"Yeah" Maya said but inwardly she thought that perhaps he was right. She too had developed a nasty habit and more to the point most of the time she felt like she would never win a moment of peace never mind a day of it. She was furious and hurt and humiliated and she wanted to go and hide away in the bathroom and purge herself until she felt better and she didn't see her mother trying to get dressed with some private looking confused as he stared at her peeping through the door.

God she wanted to cry and Maya could not remember the last time she had wanted to cry so much.

But she also wanted to rage. And rage was by far the safest option for her.

* * *

Meredith was in the pit with Owen and Amelia and Maggie when Maya Riggs came in. Her face was so white she looked like she was about to faint. Her eyes flickered from her, to her sisters, to Owen and Meredith watched her as she figured out weather or not she wanted to slap Maggie, her or Owen.

Finally Owen looked at her.

"Do you remember Private James Mulligan?" Maya asked and her voice wasn't that cold mocking tone she had used the first time she was alone with Meredith it was wild and dangerous. This was no the same girl who in complete control of her emotions, this was a girl on the edge of a breakdown and Meredith realised with a start that she could see the little girl who had lost her mother and the child that had died when Megan Hunt did.

She couldn't look away from her.

Owen looked at her his patient forgotten but Meredith was hardly listening to hers.

"He was an intern in Germany he died in action like seven months after Mom disappeared. Good thing to because I would have ruined him. I would have ruined him as I got older. Because he was the man your sister was sleeping around with."

Meredith didn't dare look at Amelia. She could feel her sister's eyebrows at the top of her head without even looking at her.

Owen looked like she had stabbed him. He at least seemed to have no idea that this was coming. There was a pause where she stood there and everyone was focused on her.

"I lied" Maya said simply as if it was the most easiest thing in the world. "I lied so while you vilified Dad to anyone who would listen to you I knew that the real evil was your dead sister who was more of a sister than a mother to me or anyone else. She was a bitch Owen who asked her own daughter to lie to her father and she didn't care…she has never cared about anyone and you know what I am glad that she's not here because she never did anything but cause pain to the child she never wanted and I still lied when I shouldn't have and…God you have no idea what that cost me!".

There was something so desperate in her expression that Meredith who did know what it was like to have a mother that lied and schemed and was more a surgeon than a mother felt the urge to hug her and tell her that it was all going to be alright. She was a child and she was in pain and she needed comforting, she needed telling that the secret she had just released into the atmosphere like a cloud of noxious gas was not something she should have kept secret. Megan Hunt, Meredith decided was wrong to ask her to lie for her and she was wrong to put the blame on herself.

Maya turned around to storm off tears pouring down her face and then stopped dead. Riggs was standing there and by the look on his face he had heard everything that she had told him. Maya took one look at her father and then burst into tears huge hacking sobs that racked her whole body and she ran away leaving Owen and Riggs looking like they had just been told someone they loved was dying, Amelia looking horrified, Meredith wondering if she should run after her and Maggie looking guilty—as Meredith thought to herself, she damn well should.

* * *

Amelia was walking out of the hospital when she heard it. It was a small snuffling noise like the sound of a dying cat and she turned to peer around the car door the space she shared next to Riggs to see Maya sitting down on the floor ignoring the rain sobbing. Amelia who understood how dark your mind could get when you were battling an addiction felt nothing but pity and more than a little worried.

"Maya" she said dropping down to her knees and pulling the girl up so that she was standing crying and shivering and muttering to herself like a mad woman.

"I can't go home" Maya muttered her teeth chattering and then she burst into tears again. Amelia knew Riggs enough to know that he wouldn't begrudge his daughter a secret she had kept since she was seven didn't understand but Riggs was still in surgery and there was no way in hell she was letting this kid go home on her own.

There was only one way that was ending.

"Maya come on your gonna spend the night with me" she said and then she hoisted the girl into the car, drove home, sent Riggs a message letting him know that it was perhaps best he leave his child with her for the night and then ran a hot bath, she towelled Maya dry like she was a recovering addict, changed her like she was a baby and then tucked her into the bed the kid still sobbing and not for the first time today wondered what sort of mother couldn't love a kid like this, young, damaged and yet still impossibly strong in a way that Amelia once knew came (at least for her) with blood on a store floor and a watch that had hung recently on the wrist of a two dead men that she both had loved in very different ways.

* * *

 **Yeah have never quite liked Maggie, am a Lexie girl and a Japril fan and she ruined both of them for me. Lexie was Meredith's sister, April was Jackson's soulmate so i have no issue making Maggie the bad guy here. If you like Maggie then this chapter and some of the following ones might not be for you.**

 **Also this is the event that triggers Maya's eating disorder. More is relieved in upcoming chapters but i just want everyone to be aware of what they might be stepping into with this story.**

 **And i will have the next chapter up sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-As a code pink ensures the hospital is descended into chaos, Maya is placed into a life or death situation which will have far reaching consequences for everyone involved not just in that room but in her life and Nathan tries to come to terms with his daughter's revelation. Part one of a two part arc.**


	9. Unintended Consequences

**Hi so here is another chapter, hope you all enjoy.**

 **Trigger Warnings for eating disorders and blood due to medical procedures.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine but Maya and this plot.**

 **And i will endeavour to publish the next chapter sooner rather than later.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 9-Unintended Consequences

As a code pink ensures the hospital is descended into chaos, Maya is placed in a life and death situation which will have far reaching consequences for everyone involved and not just in that room but in her life and Nathan tries to come to terms with his daughter's revelation about his partner. Part one of a two part arc. Some Trigger Warnings for Eating Disorders.

Episodes Covered-12x18

* * *

" _ **Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope but failure's all you've known. Remember all the sadness and frustration, and let it go. Let it go"**_ (Iridescent, Linkin Park)

* * *

Maya had hid for two days at Amelia's house pretending not to hear sounds of life outside the room. For the first day she couldn't get up out of bed even if she tried. She would have preferred not to eat either but Amelia was insistent that she not hide away or slip back into her habits so on the third day she all but dragged Maya into the shower, into a fresh pair of clothes, made her eat some toast that she would have liked to have thrown back up and then drove her to the hospital.

"You need to talk to your Dad" Amelia said in the car.

"He's not gonna want to talk to me" Maya said wishing she no longer felt this exhausted. The big secret she had been carrying around for ten years or so was gone and she had no idea how much she wanted it back.

"He is, trust me, I called him to let you know you were at mine and he sounded racked with worry, he's desperate to talk to you and you have to talk to him, you owe him the truth even if your big cancerous secret has been forced open with all the precision of a scalpel wielding lunatic with a death wish."

Maya shook her head feeling it ringing.

"I lied for years"

"You lied to protect your Mom's memory and he gets that, he's not an idiot he gets why you lied, he gets why you told the truth, but you owe it to him to tell him all that he missed during those years. You owe him that and you owe yourself that. He's probably blamed himself for the reason she got on that chopper and now he has the chance to move on."

Maya turned to her, that was a point.

Amelia nodded.

"Dad's" she said finally in a much softer tone. "Are a rare breed and a sacred one and once you lose one then you find that you miss so much" she sighed and Maya knew she was thinking of her own dad.

"Go and talk to yours, please for me?"

"And if he says get stuffed?"

"He won't" she said confidently. "But if he does then I will take care of it myself. I promise you. You can always come and spend the night."

Maya thought that Meredith might not like that and she had barely seen Maggie. Every time she even thought of the woman her hands clenched into fists. But she did owe Amelia one and the other woman knew it and so she got out of the car feeling her heart banging around inside her chest like she was having a heart attack. She wanted to run, she wanted to hide and she wanted to go in and face her demons all at once and yet she still couldn't move a muscle until she felt Amelia pat her on the back and she forced herself to move knowing that she had no choice.

There was a pause where she stood in the lobby and then she felt Amelia leave rather than hear her mention a surgery. She was roaming the hallways her hands stuffed into the pockets of the old Army hoodie her Dad had brought her back from one of his visits overseas and she swallowed watching as people passed her in her too skinny grey jeans, hoodie and high black boots.

Then all of a sudden she came across an empty hallway. Ben Warren and DeLuca the hot Italian intern were with a startlingly pregnant woman and soon enough it all went to hell. The door behind her slammed shut of their own accord and with each and every second there was a low beeping noise as an alarm was sounded across the hospital. Maya looked up at the same time DeLuca did and there was a pause where the two of them stared at each other.

"Maya" he said and Maya wondered where the intern had learned her name and she paused for a second but he was already waving her over. His face was as white as chalk and Maya moved not knowing what she was getting herself into.

In her defence it wasn't something that she had predicted.

* * *

Nathan had been numb for nearly two days. At first it had been hurt, then it had been rage. Rage at Megan, rage at the nameless private who had died for all he knew still loving Megan, rage at Maya for lying about, rage at Owen for making him feel the guilty one and then always back to the crux of the matter which was being angry at himself for not noticing that his daughter had been lying for his partner all these years.

Or even that she had been having the affair in the first place. He had been struggling with just coming home at the time, the last tour he had been on before Owen had arrived to take Maya for that last fatal seven weeks they had both been in the field and they had struggled to get through the day without jumping each other. He had not seen an affair back then—he had not seen Maya lying to him for years but he supposed it explained everything.

Had that been where her eating disorder had come from? From her being trapped in her loyalty to him and her love and loyalty for her mother and her memory?

At that point he had opened the scotch and cried and then drank, and then cried again and again and again until he had nothing left. He needed to speak to his daughter but she had been at Amelia's who had left him a harried phone message telling him that she was on top of it and that she would have Maya in to see him soon whatever that meant.

But as he scrubbed his hands he found himself wondering why Maya had lied, why she had not come to him and told him and then again the viciousness of the circle-why he had never been able to see any of it.

The door to the OR scrub sink opened and Amelia came in.

"I brought her here" she said turning the tap on. "And for the record she's ok, I think she's eating ok, I've seen no sign that she's slipped and I've been watching her like a hawk"

He took a deep breath—that was something that he could stop worrying about at least. One of his greatest fears in the last two days had been that Maya would slip into her habits and start purging herself after every meal. Amelia started scrubbing her other hand and Nathan was just about to ask her or tell or even say something to her but before he could even open his mouth there was the sound of an alarm blaring out at them, soft but at the same time filled with some sort of panic. Amelia gave a long sigh.

"Code pink" she said seeing the look on his face. "Missing kid, they don't want people to panic"

"Seems like that would be what they'd want" he replied but she was already in the OR room and there was nothing that he could do other than follow her and hope for the best.

* * *

When Ben told them both he was going to do an open C-Section with no drugs both Maya and DeLuca looked at him like he had admitted he wanted to give up surgery and become a can-can dancer.

"What?" Maya asked but Ben was already taking off his white coat and moving her so that the woman whose eyes were blown with fear was in front of her. DeLuca moved too looking as if he was being sent to the gallows.

"What?" Maya said stupidly again. This was too much too soon, she was not prepared to do this today, this was too fast. Ben was going to cut open this woman and deliver her baby because they were trapped in the hallway and there was apparently nothing more they could do.

"Maya grab her hand and get ready" DeLuca said looking grim. "There is gonna be a lot of blood and once we get the baby out your gonna have to take it while we do the packing until the doors open again. You got it?"

Truthfully no there was no fucking way that she got it but she forced herself to grab the other woman's hand. It was a death grip on both sides, Maya forcing herself and the other woman to breathe. Neither one of them knew what was going to happen to them after this but they both knew that they would never be the same and she tried to look like at the very least she had some idea about what she was doing rather than pretending that she had no clue and thought this was what Amelia was talking about when she talked about malpractice. She was right, Maya was no surgeon and she had never held a baby before never mind watching one get cut out of a woman's stomach.

The first cut sent blood everywhere. Maya felt the hot stench and feel of it on her hoodie and face and her hands and she gripped the other woman's muttered to her that everything was going to be ok when she knew it wasn't. To her credit the other woman didn't look like she wanted to kill Maya on the spot, she looked like she wanted to believe her.

Oh god why were the doors not open?

"Done" Ben said and then something was being pressed into her hands. It was a baby Maya noticed. Blood was over him, it was over her and her hands and face and hoodie, in her hair and on her shoes. The baby was so tiny he could fit into one hand and the woman took one look at him and then collapsed in pain leaving Maya clutching a kid, covered in blood and feeling like she was the only living soul who had lived through some traumatic battle.

There was a banging noise behind them and the doors opened. Maya kicked against the wall in glee and frustration. DeLuca his hands and forearms drenched in blood looked up at her.

"Go. Find Karev or someone and go tell them he was born at nearly thirty weeks no signs of defaults and that his and his Mom's pressure bottomed out minutes ago. Go…Maya!"

It was his shout that sent her running through the door past the interns and down the hall. Thank God she was not far from an OR. Surely someone had to be around who would know what to do.

"Maya?" Said a voice behind her and she turned nearly falling on her ass slipping in the blood coating her boots (and she noted dimly that they were suede and not going to be clean anytime soon) the baby was faintly stirring against her the first sign of life that she had seen and she turned to see her Uncle stood there.

For a second she couldn't speak and she saw him take in her, the baby, the blood and then the baby and then he snapped into action.

"Maya give me the baby, now"

There was something in his tone that made Maya surrender the kid instantly to her Uncle who then started running down the hallways shouting for Karev and Maya remembering what DeLuca had said she had to say followed him. Within seconds the man had joined them and they were crashing into the NICU.

"Did you find him?" her Uncle asked turning to her as Maya stared at Karev setting up tubes and barking out orders.

She forced herself to look away and turned to her Uncle.

"No I think I helped deliver him"

"You what!?" both her Uncle and Alex Karev yelled in much the same tone.

"I don't know I was in the hallway and then the alarm sounded and Ben and DeLuca were there and Ben said they had to deliver the baby and that once he was free I had to take him" she rattled off what DeLuca had told her to say and Karev nodded. Maya felt her hands shake and when Owen's arm came around her shoulders for the first time since she had come to this hospital she leaned into him.

"Did we kill him?" she asked finally.

"No" Owen said his voice stern. "No you didn't, you did everything right, you got him to one of us and now he has a chance. If something does happen the blame will not be on you"

Maya nodded and then promptly threw up on her shoes just as Doctor Bailey came in.

"Oh God Hunt get her out of here before she compromises the place" Karev yelled.

"Sorry" Maya said again but Owen was already steering her out of the room and into the hallway.

"Sweetheart were surgeons vomit doesn't even register"

Doctor Bailey was there.

"Maya what the hell happened?"

"Bailey" Owen hissed. "She's in shock. Let me take her to the Attending's Lounge and get Riggs, then you can talk to her. Her clothes are stiff with blood for the love of…"

Doctor Bailey just nodded and Maya still dim to everything and anything that wasn't the woman screaming and the blood on the walls and the baby fighting for it's life followed her Uncle without realising her feet were moving or that she was clutching his hand like she used to do when she was seven.

* * *

Nathan had just finished (and he should be rather proud he could still pull of work like that when his home life was in a constant shambles he thought) when the door opened and Doctor Bailey came in looking so severe he thought someone must have died. Amelia who had been closing looked up.

"Riggs I need you in the Attending's Lounge right now" she said in a tone that reminded him of his drill instructor.

"Why?" he asked. Doctor Bailey took a deep breath and then the tenuous grasp on her temper broke.

"Because half an hour ago during the code pink my husband an intern and your daughter all apparently operated on a pregnant woman in a hallway. She's in OR One the kid is failing in NICU and your daughter is with Owen in a state of shock and legal properly wont let me talk to her without you there"

"She what?"

"Riggs go"

And he went.

* * *

Owen had gotten Maya undressed methodically her hoodie and jeans stained in blood and her boots in blood and vomit. She was barefoot in the carpet in her underwear but she put on the navy scrubs without flinching. Her face, most of her chest and her arms were coated in blood and she had a kind of dazed look he'd seen in soldiers sometimes when they had just met their limit. He took some towels and began to brush some of the blood off her face and when he was looking at her he could see in a way he never had before the Megan under the Riggs.

He had questions, god did he have questions. He had known Megan had cheated, he had known there had been a one night stand but an affair? He had gone to that private's funeral for crying out loud. And how could his sister, his little sister ask her daughter to lie for her? God what had that done to this girl mentally when she had been growing up. Hurt her father, ruin her mother's legacy or keep her mouth shut.

Not for the first time since he had seen Maya he wished he would have kept in touch with her. Maybe he could have swallowed his damn pride and seen what was wrong. And even he was man enough to admit that in this instance perhaps the blame didn't lie completely with his best friend.

Or ex best friend.

He managed to get most of the blood off Maya's face but she was still a mess when the door opened and he turned to see Nathan. For a second their eyes met with grim determination. They didn't know what happened but they knew the statistics of babies surviving this kind of trauma. The mom was as good as dead and the baby didn't have a good chance.

Maya turned and Owen saw his friend go somewhat still as he took in his daughter. Owen couldn't blame him, seeing his niece carrying a child and covered in blood looking like she'd survived a bombing was not something he was going to forget easily either.

Maya moved so fast into his arms that she was like a blur.

For a second they gripped each other and Owen felt undeniably jealous. He wanted that he knew, that bond between father and child.

Maya was saying something into his scrubs over and over again and Riggs was shushing her as he made his way over to the couch. Owen reached back for the water and sat on the floor. If he was being honest he was very interested in finding out what had happened today. Her hands which were balled into his fists he began to clean the blood off.

"Maya what the hell happened?" Riggs asked and Maya looked up from her knees knowing they were both on tenderhooks to talk.

"I was in the hallway when the alarm sounded and the doors locked. I rounded the corner and saw DeLuca and Ben. Ben said they had to do a C-Section and that as soon as the baby was delivered I had to take him and I guess try and keep him alive until the doors opened. They had to stop the blood, god Dad there was so much blood, I never…I never knew a person could bleed like that and…and then they passed me this baby that wasn't breathing and I didn't know what to do. Then the doors opened and DeLuca told me to run so I did."

Riggs nodded exchanging a look with Owen.

"Ok then you did nothing wrong, in fact you did everything right, but if you want do you want me to go and check on the baby while you stay with Owen, you need to tell Bailey all of this when she comes back and…you don't have anything on do you?" he asked Owen who jumped at being spoken to for the first time in this conversation.

He shook his head. Mercifully his schedule was clear and he didn't like the idea of leaving his niece on her own when the adrenaline wore off and hit her like a tone of bricks.

Riggs caught his eye and then he walked out of the room once more leaving Owen to continue to wash blood of his nieces hands while she stared blankly at her knees and shivered occasionally. Owen sighed and wondered what the hell was going to unleash if (or most likely when) there was a death because of the actions that had taken place today.

* * *

Nathan sighed looking over the little body as the life finally drained out of it and he gave up the fight. Penny Blake next to him was looking quite tearful and he didn't blame her. Kids were hard, babies were harder and then there was this…a baby that would have lived if he had remained in his mother's tummy. Of course he might be wrong about this but as far as he was concerned there was no reason for that to happen. Maybe he was being harsh but he had seen that hollow look in his daughters eyes once before and it had ended up with her leaning over the bathroom sink as she detoxed the diet pills and the purging and the crying as she broke down and sobbed into the sink. Even that had been a lie. She had never said there was a reason for her disorder and she had never said anything about Megan.

There was a pause where he stood there trying to see past the little white bundle that had gone to a better place or so he deeply hoped when he felt someone touch his arm. He turned to see Meredith watching him a sad smile on her face that he knew was mirrored in his own.

"I hate it when it's babies" She said finally.

"I know" he said finally "Me too"

"How's Maya?"

"In shock, shaking, thinks she should have done something to stop this…you name it, she's it right now."

"And…err…and the other thing?"

"You'd know more about that than I would she's been living at your house in Amelia's bedroom for the last two days. Anyway I gotta go back to her"

And then he left before Meredith could say that she had not known his daughter had been at her house at all.

Nathan opened the door to the Attending's room and saw Owen standing there watching his daughter who was sipping from a cup of coffee. He came over and Nathan closed the door.

"Baby died ten minutes ago. Heart gave out, we put him on everything we could think off. Dad made it but the Mom didn't either"

Owen gave a long sigh.

"Well I'd have put the odds on that" he said finally. "An open crash C in the middle of a hallway with a resident wielding a scalpel and an intern and a teenager assisting. I mean…that kid was small when he was handed to me."

"She's gotta hold some sort of inquiry" Nathan said finally. They both knew the she meant Bailey. They both didn't want to say that the chief was in a tough spot trying to deal with her husband who might for all they knew killed someone and their baby. The ramifications of what happened today were going to be felt far and wide for many months after this.

"You wanna tell her?" Owen said and Nathan nodded their eyes meeting with a grim determination to get this over with sooner rather than later.

Nathan took a moment and then went to tell his daughter the worse thing that right now she was ever going to hear.

* * *

Maya looked up at her Dad as he sat down and the news that she had been trying to deny all day. She didn't even feel any grief just the terrible detachment of emotions that were gaining strength second by second and she felt herself drowning in it.

"The baby's dead isn't he?" she said finally.

Her Dad nodded "Mom too" he said finally. "But don't you worry about anything because Maya you did not do anything wrong"

Maya turned to her Uncle who nodded.

"Yeah sweetie there was nothing that you could have done"

"Is there going to be an inquiry? I heard Jo Wilson mention it before"

Her Dad and Uncle shared looks.

"I think so" her Dad said carefully. "But it wont be about you it will be Ben who is called to answer the questions not you, nothing is going to come back to you"

Maya didn't care about that, she was too tired and too close to tears to care. All she cared about was that the baby that had snuffled against her was dead without even so much as opening his eyes. She closed her own and leaned back against her Dad's chest and for all the world she would have fallen asleep and not woken up and faced the fact that she was feeling like all she wanted to do was go and stuff herself until she felt that urge to binge and pretend that there were no cracks in her life.

* * *

 **And i might have glossed over some of the medical jargon and made it look like it was more Ben's fault but in this episode everyone thinks that he is at fault so...**

 **And let me know what you think.**

 **Next Chapter-There is an inquiry at the hospital, Maya has questions, the truce between Owen and Riggs is over it seems and nobody has time to discuss anything and Maya's grip on her reality shifts sending her over the edge-Trigger Warnings for the next chapter. Part two of the arc.**


	10. To Be Judged

**Hi, so here is another chapter, this one concludes the previous one and I hope you all enjoy it. Please let me know what you think and I will endeavour to update sooner rather than later.**

 **Trigger Warnings-This chapter has graphic descriptions of eating disorders and also the mindset of someone in one, if this is difficult for you best to stop here.**

 **Also this mindset is based upon a personal experience for me, I appreciate that people with eating disorders see the world in a different way and this might not be true to their experience please understand that it is true for me and for Maya. Maya struggles with control and the blowing up of her secret has made her lose that control and therefore the grip she had on her issues.**

 **Also this will be a long arc so please be aware of that.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 10-To Be Judged

There is an inquiry at the hospital, Maya has questions, the truce between Owen and Riggs is over or so it seems, and nobody has time to discuss anything. Maya's grip on her issues and on her reality sends her over the edge-Trigger Warnings for the this chapter. Part 2 of the arc.

Episodes Covered-12x19

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Oh, you can't hear me cry, see my dreams all die. From where you're standing on your own. It's so quiet here, and I feel so cold. This house no longer feels like home"_** (So Cold, Ben Cocks)

* * *

Maya had not slept. She had laid in her bed and closed her eyes but whenever she closed them and tried to sleep she had seen that baby in her arms covered in blood and shaking and she would wake up, sit up and force herself not to vomit naturally rather than on her own terms. She forced herself upwards about four in the morning and found she couldn't get back to sleep. She felt like she was so cold even running a bath and sitting in the hot water didn't change anything. She pulled herself out of the bath and stared at herself naked and dripping wet in the mirror.

Had she been…had she put on weight?

And Maya had to look away least she start crying again.

It was getting harder and harder in the wake of that baby's death to remember what she was trying to not do. She felt bare and scrapped raw and bleeding. All of her secrets were out and in front of her and she swallowed again thinking hard. She had nowhere to hide and the secret that she had clung to that had been her angel and her devil was now out in the open because of one stupid moment.

And to top off a perfect day she had to go in and ask questions at an inquiry that would decide the career of the man who had held her that baby.

And Maya was still not entirely sure weather or not she had contributed to the baby's death. For all she knew her mad dash sprint not to mention the fact that she had been half hysterical at the time with no medical training could have done something. Also she knew the three people conducting the inquiry. It was Maggie the woman who had stripped her bare in her worst moment, Meredith who she wasn't on the best of terms with and Owen…her Uncle Owen and that…well that was complicated full stop.

So she was pale and sleepless when she forced herself to the kitchen to eat three or four mouthfuls of toast. The truth of the fact was that she wouldn't have ate anything if she hadn't been aware of her Dad watching her the crease of his brows pulling together in a way that made Maya aware suddenly that he was watching her and she forced herself to eat a bit more.

She dressed in a old somewhat battered blue skirt that came to above her knees and a white shirt that she felt made her look somewhat professional and put together rather than what she felt like which was a sixteen year old murderess. She slipped on her old black button boots and grabbed her coat and felt sick to her very bones and she shivered.

"Look you didn't do anything wrong" Her Dad said as they drove to the hospital. "This inquiry is about Warren not about you and I'm gonna be there the whole time. Just look at me and I'll stop the interview for you ok"

Maya nodded but she was barely listening to him. Still she couldn't shake the stink that she felt was that was in the wrong, that when she walked through the hospital she was going to feel death on her and she was going to have to sit down with people that she knew didn't like her, that she didn't like that much to be honest and debate about what had happened.

Her Dad took her to a waiting room that was probably an on-call room and Maya sat down on the bed still fully clothed and shivering unable to sleep or even move wondering what it was that made her limbs lock up. She felt…weak…broken…destroyed even and the sad thing was she knew…she knew what it was for…she was feeling this way because she couldn't relapse. But at the same time her head was such a mess she couldn't talk.

So she just laid there and tried to get warm until her Dad knocked softly on the door.

* * *

Maya came in looking pale and ill. Meredith supposed that the events of yesterday were catching up with her. It was hard when you lost a child, it was hard when you lost a baby as a doctor and Maya was not a doctor.

She smiled at her when she sat down but the girl flashed her a look and she paused when she sat there giving Meredith another long dark look speaking of something that Meredith couldn't name and wasn't she was sure that she didn't want to. Instead after a second her eyes flickered to Maggie and the look she shot her was filled with hate. The only thing that Meredith was sure saved her sister from knowing the depths of feelings Maya Riggs felt for her was the fact that Maggie was looking down at her medical charts. Meredith had to look away. This was going to be hard.

Riggs sat down in the chair behind his daughter. That took was expected because Bailey had told her that Riggs had made it damn clear that there was no way that they would get to interview his daughter without him being there and the look he flashed her was less than friendly. Meredith was sure that he was blaming her for telling Maggie his secret but really how was she supposed to know that Megan Hunt had been having an affair as well? Or she supposed that she might have known because Maya had said several things that linked to something going on back then but…Meredith had to tell someone…should it have been Alex who could keep his mouth shut yes but…

Ugh…

Damn Riggs for doing this to her. She was Meredith Grey. The last time she had felt this short footed and this strange it had been a love affair that had lasted over a decade with three kids, a post it wedding and a car accident and the resident standing in her dining room telling her that the death of her whole world would help her in the long run to become a better surgeon.

She turned back to the questions that she had prepared and spoke cutting off Maggie. Owen it seemed was not going to ask his niece anything and judging by the fact that it had been her sister who had sent this girls whole world crashing down around her ankles Meredith thought that perhaps it was better for her to ask the questions. To her surprise Maya responded better than she had expected telling the truth of what had happened in a way that collaborated beautifully with DeLuca. Had it not been for the footage of the doors opening then she would have supported Ben's view completely. Maya watched the CTV footage with a blank view and then turned to Meredith and shrugged.

"I told you what happened, I didn't see the doors open until I ran through them and I had more important things to worry about then"

Meredith nodded and she was prepared to end the interview there and then because she had a feeling the iron clad grip that Maya had on her temper was slipping as every second went by but before she could tell Riggs to take his daughter out of the room Maggie spoke up.

"Did Doctor Warren approach you after all of this happened or in the last few days and ask you to lie to us?"

"Seriously?" Riggs asked interrupting his daughter. Meredith shot him a look but honestly she agreed with him.

"I was with Owen after that. If you'd asked him you would know that" the girl said through slightly gritted teeth.

Maggie didn't seem to speak for a second and then she ploughed on. Meredith wanted to kick her under the table hard but knowing her luck, Maya would be the one that would feel it. There was a pause where Maya looked at Maggie and then the latter spoke.

"Are you keeping any secrets from us that you'd like to share?"

Maya shot Maggie a look that was filled with so much hatred that Meredith couldn't blame her sister for recoiling from Maya as if her chair had been set on fire and she paused looking around. Owen and Riggs had gone deaf, blind and dumb in that second and Meredith shrugged because if she was being honest with herself then she couldn't blame Maya for being pissed right now. And also Meredith knew that look and she was rather happy that for once she wasn't on the end of it.

"Really? Your going to ask me about keeping secrets?"

And then she stood up and walked out of the room. Riggs allowed himself one moment in which they locked eyes and then he walked out and Meredith who had, had quite enough of this interview threw down her pen only to hear another suggestion, this time from Owen that made her want to smack her head into the table in front of her and scream her frustration out.

* * *

Owen had just finished questioning Riggs, something had to be done, he had no idea weather or not Warren had seen those doors or not but he had a feeling that his niece would blame herself for the death of that baby unless she was told otherwise and…Riggs was just easy at this point. Easy.

They had still not talked about Megan or Maya or the secrets that she had been carrying and Owen found that he didn't want to. He wanted to remember his sister as she was not as some sort of woman or officer who would have an affair with a subordinate while her child waited at home. The best way he could do that was blame Riggs. That was what he knew how to do. That was comforting. Even if he knew that it wasn't right.

He stepped outside the ER to breath in some fresh air and saw to his surprise Maya sat on the benches outside her dark hair hiding her face and he moved to sit next to her. She looked up bit her lip in a way that reminded him so endearingly of her mother when she had been a little girl that he had to look away and then spoke.

"Did I kill that baby?"

"No" he said his voice firm.

"No Maya you didn't, you absolutely did not I promise you. That baby died you being there had nothing to do with it. It was a traumatic birth and the heart muscles were not strong enough to keep pumping blood. You being there had nothing to do with it"

Maya nodded turning her head away to look out over the ambulance bay.

"Sometimes I think that…I think that I'm just…treading water…the long terms goals that I have they don't keep my head above water and the short term…if I go back there again I don't know If I'll survive"

"Why?" he asked. "What do the short term goals give you?"

"Satisfaction, a numbing, but I know it's not gonna help me. But…Uncle Owen have you ever known the inevitable is coming but you'd rather just live in the here and now even though you know it's only going to cause you more pain?"

Owen wanted to say no. But he couldn't, his entire relationship from that first kiss to a look in the OR gallery, his world with Cristina had been on borrowed time. Short term goals, sex and love and marriage and knowing that none of it was going to last because she would never want what he wanted.

Family, home, stability, retirement one day.

"I know what it is to know the moment you live in is going to cripple you yes" he said finally swallowing down the pain.

Maya nodded.

"Then you know" she said finally. "Is it worth it?"

There was a pause where he sat there and thought about it. He knew the answer.

"Yes" he said finally. "Yeah it's worth it. I don't regret any of it even if I knew it was going to cause me pain"

Maya looked at him then and her eyes were brighter again.

"This is going to be a disaster" she said to herself.

She stood up and she was gone before Owen could ask her anything else but he had a horrible feeling that they had not been talking about the same thing.

* * *

There was something clinical about this for her she thought as she toed off her boots and got changed. She scrapped her hair back into a ponytail and grabbed her toothbrush and a glass of water.

This part, the getting ready part was clinical for her there were no feelings attached. She didn't want to do this not really—a part of her mind was screaming at her to stop but she had been on this long downwards slope since she had heard the whispers about her and the judgemental looks. The one thing that her mother had asked of her she had kept silent even when the guilt had forced her into this in the first place. And now here she was doing it again because her control was gone, her walls were gone, her life was slipping out of her hands and this was the only thing she knew to get it back.

It took two fingers and the last year and a half of her life went down the toliet alongside the two cinnamon buns she had consumed. She vomited into the toliet, stood up, cleaned herself up and sat down on the seat and cried for a long time. She wasn't ok, but she couldn't stop, she didn't want to stop this, this was the only way she knew how to get back control now she had no secret to keep.

Maya didn't move until she felt the door to the apartment open and close again. There was a knock on the bedroom door.

"Maya you ok?"

He wasn't coming in she noted. Her Dad wasn't coming in, that was how much she had hurt him, he had never had a problem coming into her room before and now he didn't want to be near her, he was probably as disgusted with her as she was with herself. She had betrayed her mother—the one thing she had asked Maya to do at the age of six and this was how Maya betrayed her by telling the whole hospital in a fit of rage and now she had lost her Dad in the process because she had been like Meredith Grey had told her, such a stupid little girl.

She thought about telling him, asking him for his help and then shook her head. This time would be different, perhaps this time would be different. Please let this time be different. Please let her get back in control again as soon as she could and then this little blip could be forgotten.

"Yeah Dad" she said "I'm fine"

She wasn't fine, her face was white and blotchy her eyes red and yet still her mouth forced itself into smile as if the part of her that she had kept buried for such a long time was looking back at her through the mirror.

And that Maya smiled back.

* * *

 **And there you go, that was painful to write so I hope you all enjoy reading it.**

 **Please let me know what you thought.**

 **Next Chapter-A shooting at the hospital brings back painful memories, Riggs and Maya have a talk and Maya is still slipping. **


	11. Bury Your Dead

**Hi, so here is another chapter, I want to state here and now that there are TRIGGER WARNINGS for gun violence and eating disorders In this chapter, Maya is very firmly in denial about how far her issues with herself, her mother and her father go and that will be explored as we head into Season 13. I believe by Chapter 13 we will be there.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And I will try and update sooner rather than later.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 11-Bury Your Dead

A shooting at the hospital brings back painful memories, Nathan and Maya finally get a chance to talk and Maya is still slipping downwards.

Episodes Covered-12x20

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _I give up, I give in, I lay down. I surrender. I won't fight, I won't try, I lay down at your side, I surrender."_** (I Surrender. Aron Wright)

* * *

Maya had forgotten what the feeling was like. She had forgotten what it was like to regiment everything and feel like you were back in control. It was like before where she was in control but out of it. She had nothing left to grip onto but her courage this time. There was no remorse or tears. She told herself that night that that was the one and only time she would make herself sick. That she had done it because of the baby, because of the way Maggie had ensured that everyone had looked at her when she had told everyone the one thing she had been hugging to her chest for nearly ten years. She told herself it was to deal with the rumours that had started when she had arrived and the way Meredith Grey had put her in the middle when it had come to Amelia. She told herself it was the one and only time and more to the point she surprised herself by not only believing it but sticking to it.

The days went by and turned into weeks and the overwhelming urge to purge herself and binge herself and make herself sick had not come back. If she had gone to her Dad or to Amelia or to Webber or anyone who understood that precarious feeling they would have been able to tell her that, that feeling was like standing on a glass floor, at some point it was going to shatter and she was going to fall. But she didn't and therefore she thought she was alright, that she had conquered, that she was going to be alright.

The reality was she was wrong.

* * *

On Monday her school alongside many other schools had a insert day or a teacher training day as Maya called them and she had the day off. She didn't mind it as she could sleep in, she made herself an omelette with bacon which she never did and then she dressed in a nice black jumper that she tucked into a red skirt, tights and knee high boots and her coat, it was cold out, a perfect crisp autumn day and she walked with a smile on her face, she grinned at the nurse, she waved a little at Alex Karev who gave her a quizzical glance as if common curtesy was something that he wasn't used to.

There was a pause where she stood in the hallway looking like an idiot and then she ducked into the side of the hallway. In truth she had nowhere else to go, she didn't know what to do. She could go and sit in the OR gallery but she was sure that if she did that then the conversation that both she and her Dad had spent most of the last two weeks trying to avoid would come out and she knew that there was only so much that they could do that. She didn't want to wait in the Attendings Lounge because there was a very good chance that someone she knew would walk in and she didn't want to talk, she wanted to see today. Today was a good day for her, she wanted to see what it was to fix someone who was at the edge of life and death.

Just how did you get past that thick red line and the nurses.

There was a pause where she stood there and tried to think of all the different ways that she could do it and found that none of them worked well. She could ask but other than Amelia she had no idea who would let her into the gallery and she didn't want to see brains today, today she wanted to see blood. It was like she was trying to turn back time and clean her hands and wash off the blood that she felt she still carried when that baby had died. If she could see one person get put back together again then maybe that would do it.

The door to the ER blew open then and two people came in both women, both mothers (and that was obvious to Maya because they both looked like their hearts were about to be ripped out and she had seen that expression too many times to count on her own father's face) and they were both clutching each other's hand. Maya only heard the words boy and shot and then she pressed herself back off against the wall and moved outside without anyone seeing her. She felt sure she would have been seen had it not been for the sheer number of doctors that were suddenly swarming outside. Maya got that kids were different she had seen that one first hand but she didn't know why one patient need three general surgeons, two surgeons who operated on children and babies, two cardio surgeons, a trauma surgeon and a brain surgeon as well as four residents. She slid back against the wall and watched as the door opened to the ambulance and they unloaded the kid, he couldn't be more than ten and Maya had never felt so detached as she was when she was watching a kid who had been shot.

He was moved inside his mother still screaming after him and his best friend clinging to his own mother. Maya couldn't remember a time when she had ever been like that with her own mother, couldn't remember a time when she had even been there hugging her or allowing Maya to rush to her and cling to her. She had either been in surgery in Germany or she had been in Iraq. Even before her disappearance her father was the one who had been doing most of the raising. Her mother at best had been the figure she'd seen in the morning and at night.

She was so engrossed in watching the boy and his mother that she didn't realise that someone else had seen her until there was a touch on her arm. It was her Dad, of course it was and she turned to smile at him but found that it hurt to smile when there was a kid that was probably not going to make it all because he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Hey" she said simply. "Is he going to live?"

"I don't know" was all her Dad said. "I'm going to go and find out and then if you want we can go into the OR gallery to watch"

Maya raised an eyebrow feeling surprise at the very suggestion. Her Dad had never offered this before and this had not been the first hospital she had hung around.

"Ok" she said finally.

"Good" Her Dad said smiling and Maya had a distinct feeling that she was going to get hit where it hurt in a minute and the feeling was proven right when he said- "And I think it's time we had a talk"

Yeah that was what she'd been expecting.

And honestly she couldn't see a way out of it.

She waited for him to do his assessment though she noted that nearly every doctor in the hospital seemed to have flown to the kids side. The theory of a drive by shooting or a cop incident had flown out the window just as rapidly as it soon transpired that one of the kids had found the other mothers gun and then thinking it was a toy had accidently shot him.

The problem was Maya remembered her childhood on army bases and knew that that sort of thing happened, she knew that, that sort of thing happened only too well. There was a pause where she stood there and then she followed her Dad out of the room and into the hallway where Maggie Peirce was yelling at the babysitter.

Maya made a move forwards weather or not she was going to smack Maggie or weather or not she was just going yell at her was still undecided but her Dad leapt forwards and grabbed her by the wrist.

"I don't need you getting into another shouting match with another of my work friends especially not my boss" he said quietly before he brought up a scan and went into defuse the tension that was a young and already traumatised woman crying as she was being judged by another young woman that had seen the facts and jumped to the worst possible conclusion.

Maggie turned around and Maya was surprised somewhat to see her face filled with guilt—she had never shown any guilt when it was Maya she had been showing up and she had had no issue whatsoever in shooting her a look that showed that whatever Maggie Peirce felt—whatever the guilt she felt—she would get no sympathy from her.

* * *

She followed her Dad her arms crossed over her chest again feeling her body cave in around them. There was still no urge to purge herself and that had to be a good thing but there was also the fact that she was on tender-hooks all the time, that had not gone away and as she took a seat in the OR Gallery she kept both her arms crossed over her chest as she watched the surgery begin.

"Was it like this in Iraq? Kids?" she said finally.

"Oh yeah" her Dad said not turning his head away from where he was watching. "And in Germany, guns on the bases and such, it's not the other boy's fault. But if this goes wrong then I don't doubt he's gonna blame himself for the rest of his life…" there was a very pregnant pause.

"Is that what it was like for you Maya?"

"No" Maya scoffed shaking her head. "I never blamed myself for Mom. That was out of both our hands long before it happened and…it was more like…in the beginning she'd asked me, said it was our secret and I felt grown up and then you were in so much pain and Owen was shouting and it just…I couldn't tell you then you thought Mom was amazing and they gave her medals and a military flag and all sorts. I couldn't do it then. So I kept in inside. It was like a tick, it was killing me but keeping me sane at the same time"

"You should have told me. Not that I wanted to know, I can handle the pain Maya, you should have never have thought that I couldn't. Had I known…I might have been easier on myself to be honest. But I would have rather endured that than have you struggle and…"

He looked away and Maya knew the night he was thinking about and it wasn't her Mom's disappearance. There was a pause where they both sat there and then the sound of a flatline broke their concentration and both of them leaned forwards. They got the boy's pulse back but Maya noticed the way Amelia was and the slight frown on her Dad's face and she turned to him.

"He's paralyzed" was all he said. "He'll live but he's paralyzed. Jolting the body while the spine was open, things will have moved that shouldn't." He caught the look on Maya's face and shrugged.

"Amelia will have known that going in, she's no fool, she'll have known it was his best chance and she would have told his parents. To be honest this is better than I thought it would be. The bullet hit the spine, there was going to be very little that she could do."

Maya stared at him and then she turned away trying to fight back her instincts to cry. She knew that there was a very good possibility that this boy could have died and she should be relieved that he wasn't—indeed she was but there was still the chance that he could come off this table as if nothing had happened and now he was forever confined to a chair. She had to look away.

"Dad" she said once she got herself under control. "Are we ok?"

"Maya we are never going to not be ok" her Dad said finally and his arm snaked around her shoulder and pulled her back to his warm embrace. She closed her eyes on her tears. If she was going to break down she was not going to do it here.

There was a pause at the door and Maya looked up to see Meredith Grey dithering on the doorstep. "I need a consult but I can go…" she gestured to the doorway but Maya had already stood up. "I'm gonna get the bus home" she said finally. "I don't wanna be here when they tell his parents and I have a lot homework to do anyway…"

* * *

She got her Dad's nod and then she was gone down the hallway and she didn't turn around until she got to the waiting room which was still inundated with cops and she saw again that woman holding her son to her as if he was the most precious thing alive and she bit her bottom lip all the way on the bus home, past the bakery where she two large icing covered cinnamon buns, back to her apartment where she stuffed her face with both of them in the bathroom and then with the icing still smeared across her face she made herself sick in her toliet.

Once she'd finished she flushed and sat back leaning against the wall tears streaming down her face though weather or not she was crying for herself, her mom or that kid she didn't know but she could feel the tears sliding down her face.

Had she known then, had she known that morning that her control was gone, that she back in the middle of a disorder that had nearly killed her the first time then she would have done something, she liked to think she would have done something. But still she couldn't see it as the same as last time. She was still clinging to the very idea that she had control over this rather than going along for the ride.

Oh how very wrong she was.

* * *

 **And there you go.**

 **Next Chapter-Amelia and Owen are getting married. Owen compromises, Meredith and Nathan have an almighty row that may lead to something more and Maya might be scarred for life. **


	12. Love And War

**Hi, so here is another chapter, again I worked really hard to get another update ready for you guys before essay deadlines begin so here it is, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Again some Trigger Warnings.**

 **And let me know what you think, please as always read and review.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 12-Love And War

Amelia and Owen are getting married, Owen compromises, Meredith and Nathen have an almighty row that may lead to something more and Maya might be scarred for life.

Episodes Covered-12x23

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Is your love enough? Come on make me believe it. Is your love enough? Ah. Can you keep me up, all the way through the evening? Is your love enough? Ah"_** (Is Your Love Enough-Little Mix)

* * *

It was Amelia who brought the subject up because she thought that she had to before they announced. Well…before Maggie told the whole hospital. She doubted very much that Meredith would say anything because Meredith had not said anything beyond a congrats and a comment about how the trailer had been sold to which Owen had told Amelia he felt guilty because he should have asked her.

Amelia didn't think he had to because Derek had not been the only person living in that place. Half of the hospital had at one point being sharing that too small bed on the outskirts of the land that her brother had built his dream house on and her sister in law had sold when that dream had come crashing down with his death.

Instead she decided to bring it up.

"Do you want Maya at the wedding? I mean I like her a lot, if she wanted to be a bridesmaid then I'd have no problem with it, would be like having your sister there with us as well"

Oh good she was rambling again. Fantastic.

Owen stopped walking down the hallway. "If I ask Maya she's going to say no unless her father comes" he said finally and then he sped up walking. Amelia didn't think it the right time to say that she would ask Maya and also she had no issues with Riggs coming to her wedding.

"Then why doesn't he come" she said forcing the issue. "I don't have a problem with it and, Owen it's our wedding I don't want it to involve things of the past, we should be looking forward to the future and I know your mad at Riggs and I understand it but…Megan wasn't a saint either and I think it's time that you acknowledged that. I want peace at our wedding I don't want war."

She bit her lip as Owen stared at her for a long heartbeat and then he clenched his jaw shut.

"Can I think about it?" Was all he said.

Amelia nodded. That was better than what she had expected. There was a long pause where she stood there in the hallway and then she went to find a surgery to do. She had a victory, a sort of victory and she was going to take it.

* * *

Nathan had been accessing a patient's chart before he was due to scrub in with a kid that was believed to have the flesh eating disease that doctors only got to see once or twice in their whole career and then he was going to go home and pour a glass of wine because he had heard from Maggie that his best friend was getting married and Nathan had found out from his boss rather than him and apparently that this was not the first time either. There had been another marriage to a woman called Cristina Yang that Nathan had heard about only because all Cardio surgeons had heard about Cristina Yang. But it had been about her work and not about her marriage.

He had been finishing his file when a shadow fell upon him. It was Owen looking like he would rather be knee deep in a bowel obstruction rather than talking to him like there wasn't a big fat Megan shaped ghost standing in their way.

"Need something?" he asked finally when the silent staring became too much.

"Amelia wants Maya to take part in the wedding."

"So go ask Maya then" he said turning back to his charts. Owen sighed. "You and I both know that she's not going to do it if your not here and Amelia doesn't mind so this is me compromising. I would like you at your wedding"

And suddenly Nathan was furious. He was a person, he was not something that Owen Hunt got to throw a bone too because he was compromising, he wasn't a practice run for a marriage he was a person and if Owen didn't want him there then he should damn well say so not throw Nathan a bone and expect him to be pleased and relieved and happy. Nathan had raised a girl alone without Owen giving a damn about her and he didn't get to do this now just because Shep was a damn sight better as a person than he was.

"Don't bother" he said feeling his teeth set on edge. "I'll talk to Maya if you want but don't feel like you have to compromise for me will you? I'm a person Owen and I was your best friend before you decided to blame me for something that nobody could see coming and you know what? I don't get to carry the guilt of this anymore. I'm free. Ask her, don't ask her I don't care but don't think that you have to put yourself out for me, I have nothing to apologise or explain anymore"

And with that he was gone leaving his best friend, or the man who had been his best friend standing there with a slightly lost expression on his face that would have told him a lot more than Owen's words ever could.

"Bridesmaid?" Maya asked incredulously. "You want me to be a bridesmaid? Me, Maggie and Meredith? You do get that we don't exactly like each other right?"

Amelia nodded. "I know but…but it would mean a lot, your my friend Maya. You were there for me when nobody else was and you took me in and we shared secrets. I want you there when I get married and…and I told Owen he should invite your Dad so therefore everything should work out. I want you there come on, I even got a really nice dress picked out—if you don't mind pink that is"

Maya stared at her. She didn't want to do it and she didn't want to wear a dress and stare at herself in the mirror and go through fittings. If it had been anyone else though they wouldn't have known. She had told Amelia that she had an eating disorder. Amelia who was an addict in the same way that Maya was an addict—or she certainly felt like one some of the time and she had a feeling that she was going to know soon enough that she was in trouble. That she felt like she was in trouble but at the same time she didn't think that she could stop. She was in a strange place where she floated between the edge of spiralling and the occasional binge purging session. She didn't know what would happen but she knew enough to know that she couldn't stop whatever it was that was gripping her right now.

"Ok" she said finally. Amelia hugged her and then walked away almost skipping leaving Maya feeling dangerously close to tears again even though she wasn't sure why.

A wedding, joy.

Maybe she could do some alterations on the dress. She looked down at her stomach. Did she need to lose any weight?

But it had never really been about weight had it?

* * *

Meredith Grey was in a mood and she was dragging the whole room down with her into the spirally depths of Meredith Grey Dark Mode. That should be trademarked Nathan thought bitterly. He was too sore about his conversation with Owen and working with him wasn't much better so he kept his mouth shut. Alex Karev and Jackson Avery were both there talking happily but considering Alex was sleeping with his resident and Jackson was in the middle of a post divorce life and co parenting with his ex over their unborn child at the same.

And Meredith Grey was in a mood. It wasn't like he didn't get it. It was hard to imagine life moving on, everything Owen was doing did seem like a twisted sort of mockery of everything he and Meg should have done though it seemed Owen was at least doing the wedding before the pregnancy thing which he had never done. But still, this was borderline rude, and this woman had been both frustrating him and making him feel some other kind of emotion that he didn't want to think about for some time now. Either way he'd had enough of it. Today was really not the day.

"We all know that theres a kid on the table Grey" he said feeling a bit more waspish than usual. He should have handed this kid of to his boss when he had the chance. Let her deal with her almost sister. He didn't have the mood or the patience today to deal with Meredith Grey. He didn't want to end up in prison after all.

She turned to him her eyes cold under her ferry boat scrub cap and he didn't flinch. Once that look would have been enough and he had to wonder how many interns she had scared the crap out of with a look like that but right now he didn't care. He was tired of being the punching bag for Meredith Grey even if she was still grieving. He had had ten years to grieve and he had never had the closure of a body and a funeral either.

"What did you just say?" she asked her voice low.

"Your not as invested in saving a life as the rest of us" he snapped back and then he turned to continue to break down the rest of the heart muscle that was infected.

* * *

She confronted him outside naturally she always did slamming her boot shut. Nathan wasn't bothered too much about weather or not he hurt her jealous because her husbands sister was living the life that Meredith should have had with her husband. Didn't she think that he looked at Owen and felt and saw the exact same thing?

Of course it turned into a row because that was how they communicated and Nathan wasn't sure who started the mad frantic kissing because it could have just as easily been either one of them and then they were making out in the car like horny teenager. She burned him in a way that he hadn't burned in a long time, she made him desperate in a way that he hadn't felt in a long time either and they had sex twice in the car before they went to his place which considering he was not twenty and his body certainly wasn't twenty anymore was considerable in his opinion

(He had a feeling he was going to feel it in his back in the morning but still he had no complaints)

* * *

There was a long pause where she stood in Nathan's kitchen in his shirt and reflected her life choices. Or that was what she was telling herself she was doing in fact Meredith was peering at a picture of Nathan, Maya as a child and a woman who must be Owen's sister. She looked like Owen, the same red hair and the same eyes but there was something in the way she looked down at her five year old daughter. As if she was desperate to be somewhere else. It was a look that Meredith had seen etched on her mother's face for most of her childhood and suddenly a wave of sympathy for the complicated relationship Maya Riggs had with her mother that she had never had closure for. God no wonder the girl was a bitch sometimes. Meredith had hardly been an angel.

Four times in one night with a man that wasn't Derek. Had her heart still not ache a little she would have been impressed with herself. But her heart was always going to ache. Derek was her world and Derek was dead and now she had to move on and…and she liked Nathan if she was being honest with herself. She liked the fact that he could talk to her like an equal and tell her when she was wrong. Derek had really been the only man she'd listen too in that respect and she had lost him.

There was a sound from the room that she knew was Maya's (and thank god they had been quiet and she had already been asleep when they staggered in). She listened in the deathly quiet and it sounded like vomiting. She paused. Should Meredith get Nathan and tell him his daughter was sick? Wake him up from the solid sleep he had earned?

The door opened before she could move. It was Maya standing there a glass in her hand in her flannel shorts and loose shirt. For a second they stared at each other and through the lights from the streets outside Meredith could see her eyes in the darkness blinking. Her face seemed to twist for a second and then she nodded closing the door behind her as if she didn't want to see Meredith standing there looking wrecked in her father's shirt. It made her feel bad but at the same time there wasn't much that she could do about it. Meredith wasn't a woman who could apologise like that and she slowly went back to bed herself her bare feet padding on the carpet and though she fell asleep easily lulled by warmth and feelings she thought long buried she did have to wonder what time it was that Maya had fallen asleep if she had at all.

* * *

 **And there you go I hope you like this chapter and the beginning of the Meredith/Nathan pairing.**

 **Next Chapter-As Season 12 draws to a close, Maya takes place in a wedding and gives into her disease as she comes to a realisation, Maggie makes a confession, Owen and Nathan finally come to a compromise and Owen and Amelia get married.**


	13. Hanging Swords

**Hi, so here is another chapter and the end of Season 12! I hope you have all enjoyed this chapter and this arc and I hope you enjoy this story as we go into Season 13.**

 **Again Trigger Warnings for Eating Disorders.**

 **Please Read and Review and let me know waht you think.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing and nobody but Maya is mine.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 13-Hanging Swords

As Season 12 draws to a close, Maya takes place in a wedding and gives into her disease as she comes to a realisation. Maggie makes a confession, Owen and Nathan finally come to a compromise and Owen and Amelia get married.

Episodes Covered-12x24

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Oh, I'm fist fighting with fire, just to get close to you. Can we burn something babe? And I run for miles, just to get a taste. Must be love on the brain"_** (Love On The Brain-Rihanna)

* * *

Maya didn't fall asleep that night. The sight of Meredith Grey in her Dad's shirt in her kitchen pretty much ensured that she was not going to get any sleep and then there was the purple dress that was hanging up on her bathroom door. The pretty purple dress. Everyone was having different necklines. April's was a simple scoop one, Maggie was again simple with lace over the top but sleeveless and Meredith's was a halter top. Maya's was the same deep purple but it was also a rather deep v neck. Amelia had laughed and said it was time she had some fun but Maya didn't feel like it was fun. Even going shopping for the dresses had not been fun she had stood there in her underwear exposed in front of three mirrors and all she could see was her body. She had put back on the weight she had lost the last time that she had stopped punishing herself.

This time she wasn't punishing herself for lying about that last year of her Mom's life this time she was punishing herself for allowing herself to talk about that time in public. It was a vicious circle, she either hurt herself for keeping her mother's secret or she would hurt herself for not keeping it a secret.

The funny thing was Maya knew deep down this was wrong and that this would only get much more worse. But she couldn't stop. It was like she had too different people inside her head talking. The side of her that was her…that was Maya telling her that this was wrong and this was dangerous and this was going to get her into trouble and then there was the side of her that had been dormant for so long and she was seriously struggling to shut it back down again. The two voices in her head had been shouting at each other for years and it seemed (if last night was anything to by) the darker voice had won out.

She had made herself sick last night too. And she hadn't even known that her Dad had Meredith round. That was probably why he had not heard anything. Had probably been too busy with Meredith because he generally had the ears of a bat and would have known in a second.

She turned on her side away from the dress and burrowed deeper under the covers. But she still didn't fall asleep.

* * *

Nathan had decided to drop Maya off at the venue but curiosity compelled him to walk in with her. Maya had on a white fluffy cardigan over her dress and her hair was loosely curled but she was still clutching at the folds of her dress with an almost desperate grip that showed how nervous she was though why he had no idea. As far as Nathan could tell this was still a wedding and not a coronation and he wasn't even invited. To be honest he was kinda hoping to get five minutes with Meredith Grey but considering the way she had shut him down this morning he wasn't sure whether or not she wanted this to continue. He was kinda keen for it to continue if he was being honest with himself.

This was admittedly the first time he had felt something towards someone who had not been Meg. That part of his life was over though and as much as it hurt him to admit it she wasn't coming back. She was as good as dead and he had to think about himself now. He was absolved of some of the guilt that had sent her on that helicopter because according to his daughter she had been just as culpable as he was in the dissolution of their partnership. He also didn't want to admit that there was something about Meredith Grey, there was a coldness that came when you lost someone that he could understand, she was gorgeous and she was a hard drinking brilliant surgeon who had certainly earned her pedigree. She might not be Ellis Grey but she had a chance to be just like her in terms of skill and awards and records broken.

And it had felt good last night to be with someone who understood what it was like to love someone for so long and lose them and know that no matter what hurt they had caused you there was always going to be a part of you that loved them.

And…and if he was being honest with himself then it was time to move on.

So yeah he went to that damn wedding venue hoping that he would get to see the sight of Meredith Grey and instead all he got was the door opening and Owen looking more harried than he had a right too considering this was his day staring at him.

Evelyn appeared probably to whisk her granddaughter off somewhere leaving them starting at each other in the room with a somewhat knowing smile on her face. Nathan at this point honestly didn't know what to say to him and it was clear Owen was in the same predicament.

And then he couldn't stop himself from asking the one thing that he had really wanted the answer too since the day Maya had exploded at the world.

"Did you know? About Meg?"

He couldn't say his name that was too much.

"No" Owen said finally knowing instantly what Nathan was talking about. "All I knew was what she told me about you and that nurse".

There was another long pause.

"Why did you and Meg never get married?" Owen asked him finally. "I mean after Maya? I asked her once and she just shrugged and told me to mind my own but…why?"

"I asked her when she got pregnant but she said no" he replied. "Said she didn't want to have to get married even to me. And then we had a baby and she wanted to get back to the warzones as soon as possible and I was left with Maya. You remember how she was I think Maya was three before she got to actually spend more than a week with Megan at a time. And then we were both doing postings and surgeries, there never seemed to be the time to do anything other than work, see each other and fall asleep. So I never asked. And…" he carefully stopped himself from telling the truth to Meg's overprotective and volatile brother which was simply that if he had the chance to marry Meg now, knowing what he knew he wouldn't.

Owen nodded his head as if he understood this though Nathan knew he didn't have a clue and then the two of them were stuck in the room again as if nothing had happened. It was forced though and awkward and Nathan didn't know what to say to the man who had not only thought that he was responsible for his sister's death but had cut his niece out of his life and abandoned them when three years ago Nathan would have given anything and everything to have his friend back supporting him. Maybe things with Maya wouldn't have gotten so bad?

He'd never know.

"Look" Owen said finally. "If you want to stay you can. I don't mean for Maya I mean…you know"

Nathan didn't but he thought that he might do. Deep down.

"Open bar?" he asked as if he didn't care either way though he knew that Owen saw the lie.

His best friend grinned at him and the years between them seemed to fall away.

"Something like that."

"If she ever gets here that is"

"Wait—what?"

* * *

As Amelia was getting ready in the little room and Maggie had gone to calm the waters and tell Owen that his bride was finally ready to get married. April was still not here nor was Arizona or Callie (which was hardly surprising) but Meredith had at least expected Jo Wilson here considering she was supposed to be here. Honestly, whatever was going on with her and Alex needed to be sorted out because Alex had been through enough. He deserved happiness and Jo it seemed was the better option out of all of the crazy that he had brought home.

And now more to the point she was ready to go and watch her sister get married, and she was certainly more than ready to stuff her face with little pastries and drink herself into such a state where she couldn't remember what it had been like last night when she had for the first time in nearly three years come alive under another man's touch that had not been Derek. There was a pause where she stood there outside the bathroom where Maya had gone. She could hear something again, something that sounded like retching and she pushed open the door to see Maya adding more concealer under her eyes.

"Something wrong?" she asked seeing Meredith standing there. There was something off about the way she was staring at herself in the mirror. She was shaking and there was something about her smile that made Meredith pause. She had seen a smile like that before but she couldn't think of what. But…well…she supposed Maya had seen her in her underwear and not even Meredith could pass that explanation off as innocent. Perhaps there was a reason why she was being a bit…off with her that didn't include though Meredith in her underwear.

"Hey" she said finally. "Are you coming down with something?"

"Yeah" Maya said after a second staring at herself in the mirror. "Yeah I guess you could say something like that" She applied another dab of lipstick across her lips and then took in a deep breath.

"She ready?" she asked finally and still Meredith couldn't help but feel like there was something terribly wrong here bust she was unable to put her finger on it.

"Yeah. Maya…"

"Look if you and Dad…if you are…if you want to then I'm not gonna stand in your way. He's a grown man he can do what he wants and he likes you I can tell. But…but don't hurt him ok?"

Meredith opened her mouth to say that nothing had happened between her and Riggs but then realised Maya had seen her this morning. The girl flickered a small smile at her and Meredith smiled back suddenly aware of the awkwardness.

"He likes you" she said finally. "I can tell. So if you wanna go for it then go for it. Just don't be half naked in my kitchen again"

"I thought you hated me?"

"I don't hate you. I thought you were a bitch when I met you but then again I thought Owen was a monster, I thought a lot of things months ago that I don't think now and besides" she turned to look at Meredith. "Can you honestly say that you didn't think the same as me"

And really Meredith couldn't.

The little moment was broken up by Maggie sticking her head through the door and telling them to hurry up.

* * *

"I really like Riggs and I think he likes me"

That was Maggie. Apparently she had forgotten Maya was behind her, it pulled her out of her slump. She had thrown up again in the bathroom and she knew she was spiralling but she didn't want to fight it anymore. This made her feel a little bit better and a little bit more human and she craved that feeling even if the methods were wrong, the guilt was still not gone and like before she felt she had to take a little punishment for it. Her control was gone too and she was in too deep.

And yet she couldn't turn around and cry for help. Her Dad had finally got his life back on track she couldn't ruin it for him again.

But she could do one thing, she could damn well make sure that Maggie didn't get with her Dad. The whole thing screamed wrong and she had, had time to work her brain around Meredith and realised that it had in all reality been coming for a long time.

But this…Maggie…oh hell no. Maggie was partly responsible for all of this and she was damn well gonna make sure she didn't do any more damage.

The smile was nonetheless brittle and fake but Maya thought in that one moment with so many swords hanging over her head watching her Uncle get married she might at last have some of her fight back. She might be ok.

Well…they said denial was powerful didn't they?

She scowled a little at the back of Maggie's head, Meredith wasn't even looking at her but Maya could guess what Meredith was going to do next. Her Dad had just found something that was close to happiness she could see it in his eyes. And it was all for Meredith not for his boss who was mooning like a lovesick teenager and had no idea what either Meredith or her Dad had been through.

Like hell was Maggie going to take that look of happiness of Maya's Dad's face without Maya putting up one hell of a fight.

* * *

 **And there you go, I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I will endeavour to update as soon as possible. I hope there will be one more update and then I will do a mass update near Christmas which will be two or three updates at once.**

 **Next Chapter-As the story heads into Season 13, Maya is struggling, Alex is in prision, Meredith is torn between her sister and the man that she really does like. Riggs meanwhile suddenly finds himself in a love triangle that he never wanted to be in. **


	14. Exposure

**Hi, so here is another chapter, I apologise for the lateness but what with Christmas, work and uni there has not been much time to write. I do hope that there will be another chapter following this one.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just this plot.**

 **And let me know what you think.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **Again, some trigger warnings for eating disorders so please keep that in mind.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 14-Exposure

As the story heads into Season 13, Maya is struggling, Alex is in prision, Meredith is torn between her sister and the man that she really does like, Nathan is part of a love triangle that he really doesn't understand, Richard wants to help and Owen and Amelia are married.

Episodes Covered-13x01 and 13x02

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _There's a light, there's a sun taking on shattered ones. To the place we belong and his love with conquer all. Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding. Fall into your sunlight"_** (Shattered-Trading Yesterday)

* * *

The dancing had carried on until the early hours of the morning when Owen and Amelia had gone home. His mind still full of the fact that Maggie Peirce (his boss) liked him Nathan had not noticed the time so pleasantly buzzed on the vodka and the food until he had looked at his watch and was reminded that he was due to be at work in a few hours and he was better off if he stopped drinking now rather than use the method of banana bags when he got to the hospital something he had thought he'd stop doing when he…you know…became board certified.

Maya was outside. There was something about her expression that sent his heart beating just a little bit faster than it should have done with fear. She looked utterly defeated and Nathan wasn't sure if it was tiredness from the wedding or the fact that she had been through more in these months than she had ever been since he had gotten the news that chances are he was a single parent.

"Are you alright?" he asked finally. Maya shrugged "Bit of a down day" she said finally. "I look around sometimes and I think…well it doesn't matter" though it did and they both knew it.

Perhaps he should have pushed her to speak to him. Maya had in that moment been ready to spill her guts out though he didn't know it and he had wanted to speak to her and see what was wrong. But Nathan was never the kind of parent who could push like that—perhaps that was what was wrong with him. It had always been Megan who had pushed in their relationship, pushed for surgeries, for milestones, for tours overseas and he had been the one who had thought about all the other things. Love or not he was starting to see now that perhaps they were doomed from the start and just couldn't see it. She had been his best friends sister he had grown up with her. Perhaps it had just been easier.

Owen was right in somethings, there was a reason why they had not married of that even he would admit to.

Anyway Maya was still watching him. It had been a long and emotional day of that he knew and he was never the kind of person to push his daughter anyway. Had he done so either now or previously things might have been very different even he could admit to that but he had not and so there they were. Trapped in this void where all he could do was wrap his arm around his daughter and go back to the car.

He made it into his bed for four hours before he had to go to work and when he got there, there was an uproar. Karev had attacked DeLuca, Jo Wilson was in hysterics and had to be talked out of leaving the hospital for good by a confused Webber and a furious looking Bailey. Maggie was clearly very annoyed that Meredith had lied to her and Meredith Grey was making it very clear that she owed her loyalty first and foremost to Alex.

"He stood by me when everyone else either died or left. And I had to turn him in because…because DeLuca could have died and I wouldn't have been able to live with that on my conscious" she said to him very quietly over coffee in the Attendings lounge.

"I know" He said because he did.

"You know" he said finally. "You might not want to hear it but I am not going to go on a date with Peirce. Meredith even If I didn't like you and want something with you then I wouldn't. I don't sleep with my boss it makes things to strange and I think Maya would kill me for it. She's never forgiven Maggie for telling everyone about Megan and forcing her to come out with everything"

Meredith stared at him for a long second as if trying to gauge weather or not he was lying but for once Nathan knew what he was thinking and feeling. He couldn't go there with his boss it was the one rule he had always stuck with. Interns yes occasionally when he was in a bad way but not the boss. He had always treated the interns with respect regardless of weather or not they spent nights together and he always made sure they had a chance to shine in the OR along with others when the relationship went south. He also took pride in the fact that he made damn sure they knew that this was not going to turn into much. The problem was he had no idea how to do that with his boss and he didn't want to…he liked Maggie-she was a good surgeon but there was still the fact that she had betrayed his confidence, his daughters confidence and not even apologised for it that set his teeth on edge. He could work with her but he knew that was where he had to draw the line.

Problem was he wasn't sure how to communicate all of that too her sister.

"I like you" he said finally.

Meredith cracked a smile. "I don't say yes you know"

Nathan grinned. "You don't say no though" he pointed out.

The kiss when it came was soft and light and everything to both of them.

* * *

Maya had not had a good day. She knew she was purging probably now and she didn't care. But she did at the same time. Unlike the first time she knew that she was going to struggle to stop, she knew it wasn't alright and she knew that she was going to struggle to stop. She knew that if she told anyone she was looking at months of therapy and people watching her eat and trying not to upset her and being watched and being exposed all over again…and that was where she stopped. That was where she stopped thinking and the vicious cycle of what happened and what she was feeling happened kicked in again.

But today had not been a good day despite all of this and she bit her bottom lip as she entered the hospital feeling her head throb. DeLuca was looking like he had been dragged through a hedge backwards and then been beaten up when he'd come through it. Maggie was still acting all flouncy whenever she saw her sister (and even Maya knew that the other woman didn't know that Meredith had been in the sheets with the man she liked and her direct subordinate) and Meredith was refusing to meet her eye which Maya thought was strange because it had not been like Meredith had been a stranger. She was Meredith Grey—hell Maya knew how to deal with Meredith Grey a hell of a lot more than she knew how to deal with herself and her own issues. Shame was not something she would have thought Meredith cared about and god knows Maya was well past that. And anyhow Maya had given her blessing for whatever the hell had happened to continue and she had meant it.

She wanted her Dad to be happy. He was happy with Meredith Grey. He would not be happy with Maggie Peirce. That was the simple facts as she could see them and she was surprised that she was alright with them. There was a pause where she stood there leaning against the wall and thought about it. No. It had to be Meredith Grey. If her Dad was going to seriously move on then it was going to have to be Meredith Grey. Meredith Grey was the one she could get her brain around.

And a small but utterly selfish part of her suspected that it would be easier to hide her growing addiction to hating herself as well if her Dad was distracted by Meredith Grey as well. She shook her head and let her hair fall loose on her shoulders and wondered if that would keep her face from showing. Right now she was so tired all she wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up.

She had felt like that more than once before too.

* * *

"Good Morning Maya" Richard said smiling as he saw the girl. Maya Riggs jumped looking around in surprise. Richard frowned. He had no idea what could have brought that kind of reaction out of the girl, while he didn't have a lot to do with Riggs daughter he had seen her around the hospital and he had always had a smile for her. She had never really seen him but he had to admit that she'd had other priorities when it had come to the day to day. Richard had made a lot of mistakes and he was always going to stick by his daughters side but the fact of the matter was that he knew what it was like when your personal buisness was splattered all over the walls. Kepner and Avery were proof of bad decisions that he had made and he could still hear the whispers that the reason Derek had taken over from him all those years ago was because he had clipped the common-bile duct.

Maya looked at him for a second and then she nodded bit her lip and then disappeared into the Attendings Lounge. There was a pause where he stood there looking at her and he wondered, racking his memories and trying to figure out who it was that she reminded him off in that moment.

And then it clicked.

She looked like Amelia had done during those months where Meredith had been in a coma and attacked and broken almost. He had seen it then with Amelia in the beginning before her drunken blow up in Meredith's room. She had been acting guilty as if she knew that what she was in the grip off was going to end badly but she was powerless to stop it. That was really the look that a lot of people in Amelia's situation that people in his situation had as well and he sighed thinking hard.

He was pretty sure the girl was not an alcoholic and he was also pretty sure that she was not taking any drugs but then again he had not seen Amelia slide until she was screaming at him her eyes blown wide with the affect effects of too many vodka's. But Richard knew about cries of help and he liked to think…no he knew that the look he had seen in Maya Riggs's eyes was someone who desperately needed to talk to someone who would understand what was going through her head. Richard suspected that the slew of secrets coming out into the open and the back and forth between Riggs and Hunt had not helped not to mention the fact that she had been caught up in the middle of everything had done much to a kid that was still for all her bravado not yet seventeen.

Edwards called him away and he went to the ER to see what could be done. Already he had promised himself he would speak to Bailey about Karev (because he had not wasted all those years making that man a surgeon to see it all be wasted now thank you very much) and then after that or sometime tomorrow perhaps he was going to find Maya Riggs and see if perhaps she wanted to reach out and talk to someone who knew only too well what not talking about your problems could do to a person.

* * *

 **And let me know what you think. Next chapter should be up shortly.**

 **Next Chapter-Maya finds out Nathan said no to Maggie. Richard attempts to reach to Maya convinced that something is wrong with various success and Meredith wonders if her feelings for Nathan have damaged her medical decisions. **


	15. Tribute

**Hi, so here is another chapter, I apologise if this update has been slow but I have had computor issues complied with the dreaded Christmas cold so things have been a bit slow. I hope therefore this update and the one before will keep you happy for a bit. I will try and update sooner rather than later and hopefully before the new year but I dont want to make promises so please keep that in mind.**

 **As always there are some trigger warnings with this chapter.**

 **And I do not have medical knowledge the opinions expressed about medical knowledge in this chapter are purely my own.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just this plot and Maya as a creation of it.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And have a very merry Christmas and a very happy and safe 2019 if I dont get a chance to update before that.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 15-Tribute

Maya finds out that Nathan said no to Maggie. Richard attempts to reach out to Maya convinced that something is wrong with various success and Meredith wonders if her feelings for Nathan may have damaged her medical decisions.

Episodes Covered-15x04

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing, I'm alive"_** (Alive, Sia)

* * *

The day started out with Maya now waking up and throwing up under the guise that she was taking a long shower. That was the only part of the routine from the old time like she had adopted during this time as she succumbed to this thing inside of her again. The demon inside of her that was clawing it's way to the top of the surface again demanding that she punish herself for being stupid, for not being enough. For being Maya.

Once that was done it was dependant on what it was like at school and the hospital. On some days she never made herself sick. On other days however she vomited so badly she felt her whole body shake with the aftermath of what she was doing. She was doing it at the hospital and at school most of the time. When her Dad came home from work with her she couldn't make herself sick because more than two showers in the day would arise suspicions.

However like the last time she was making allowances for herself and working it's way around her timetable. She was finding it difficult to stop and even worse was the idea of asking for help. She was getting thinner she could feel it in her bones and sometimes at night she shivered beneath the covers of her bed so violently she thought she might be sick and not for reasons that had to do with her sticking two fingers down her throat.

And she was miserable about it.

She didn't want to be like this again. She didn't. But Maya didn't know how to ask for help, she didn't know and it terrified her. The simple thought of trying to have a conversation with her father about this again and the can of worms that would open was genuinely terrifying to her.

And that went around and around her head in circles until she was unable to breathe and all she wanted to do was eat until the feeling went away and then purge until that feeling went away as well. It was a lose-lose situation.

There was one good thing however to come out of this whole sordid mess.

Her Dad had turned down Maggie Peirce.

This was as far as Maya was concerned a huge relief because Maggie Peirce was not the right woman for her father to begin a relationship with. The power struggle was in her opinion all wrong coupled with the fact that Maggie was partly the reason why she was in this mess. If Maggie had kept her mouth shut all of this might have remained buried and she would be worrying about homework right now and not weather or not she could smuggle four muffins into the hospital bathroom without anyone seeing them.

She was in the hospital after school one day (because It was far easier to get away with stuff there or be distracted depending on her mood) rather than at home when she thought she saw someone looking at her. She peeped up through her dark hair to see Richard Webber staring at her over his lunch tray. Maya was suddenly very consciously aware of the fact that she was holding four muffins in her hand and that the guilt of what she was probably about to do was written all over her face.

Richard smiled at her and then waved as if he wanted her to come over and sit with him. Maya deliberated for a second and then did the only thing that made sense in that moment—at least to her.

She ran.

* * *

The second Maya Riggs ran out of the cafeteria looking like someone had just murdered her cat Richard knew that something was terribly wrong with that girl. He finished his own bacon roll at a more controlled pace (Catherine was going to have a fit if she caught him eating bacon again) and then he stood up and decided to go and find her though what he was going to do when he did get to the root of the troubles was another matter entirely.

Right now he just had to find her.

Because he was right about this. He could feel it in his bones. There was something very, very wrong with this girl and he couldn't put his fingers on it. And he wasn't going to miss out on seeing the signs again.

A part of him was still convinced that he had missed out on seeing Amelia's slip up during her whole row with Meredith if he had been paying attention to what was going on through in the life of a woman who since her brother had died he had told himself he was going to look after.

And he was not going to do that again.

As he walked he thought about it. Instinct told him it wasn't drugs. She didn't show any of the signs of addiction and while Richard knew that everyone showed signs differently he also knew the common denominators and Maya didn't have any of them as far as he could see. Drugs and booze were out.

Also out was pregnancy because there was no way she could hide something like that in a hospital surrounded by some of the best doctors in America. Also there was no way she could hide the early onset symptoms from her father the surgeon either so that was fairly obviously ruled out.

And what did that leave?

It could be leftover issues from the row that she had had with the world where she had admitted her mother's infidelity (not that Richard was going to pass judgement there. He wasn't completely stupid) but if so then why wasn't she talking to Riggs who was ultimately a good father and who was walking around looking like the sun and the moon was at his feet recently. He concluded that his daughter must be very good at locking away her feelings—after all she had hid this entire affair thing for a good ten years hadn't she?

He quickened his pace.

He asked Frankie one of the nurses if he had seen Maya Riggs and she pointed towards the ladies bathroom on the second floor and he turned. He peeped in through the door and then seeing it was empty slipped in. Somehow despite the fact that he was in here for a perfectly innocent reason he felt rather like he was doing something wrong. There was a pause where he stood there and then he heard the sound come in from one of the stalls. It was retching and he peered round the edge of the door so that he could see what it was. Or more likely who it was making herself sick.

Maya turned to him her eyes wide when she heard his gasp and suddenly Richard was aware of what he was seeing. The girl was terrified and heartbroken and trembling and crying. There was a pause where he stood there and took her in and then sympathy took over rather than his professional persona which would have had him straight to Riggs within an hour.

"Oh sweetheart" he said however, sinking to his knees and pulling her back from the toliet. Maya took one look at him and then started sobbing violently against his chest. Richard let her sob for a bit longer and then forced her to look at him before she started hyperventilating and he ended up dealing with a panic attack on top of everything else.

Maya wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. Her mascara smeared across her face and made her look younger than she did already. It was hard to believe that she was only sixteen when sometimes she seemed so much older and other times she seemed so much younger.

"Are you going to tell him?" she said finally. There was no question of who she was talking about. There was only one person who she was worried about finding out her little secret.

"I should" Richard said finally. "But before I do I want you to talk to me first"

Maya looked as if she wished she was anywhere else but instead she closed her mouth for a second clearly working her way around the problem that she could see in front of her.

"Ok" she said finally with the air of one going to the gallows. "What do you want to know"

"How long?"

"This time? Two months, started right after that baby died. The last time?" she shrugged. "Two and a half years give or take"

Richard took in the amount of damage that that would do to someone's body and then tried to ask another question.

"Does he know? Riggs?" Well that was a stupid question he thought as soon as he said it.

"No…well…he knows about the first time but not this one…and he cannot know Richard…he…he's finally put all of this behind him, me, Mom and the affair that I kept from him, and he's in a new relationship or I think he was but he's trying and this will just destroy him. It's better than the last time I have it under control and I can stop it before it gets too bad."

Richard didn't believe that for a second. In between all the garbling he had to think of a plan. If he went to Riggs now then God only knows what this girl would do. Amelia, himself and other addicts when pushed into confrontations didn't do exactly that well. Amelia had told him the story about when she been forced with an intervention and Richard remembered the sting of hurt and humiliation when Derek had gotten him fired and into rehab behind his back. But they had been older and a little bit wiser and had thicker skin. Maya was sixteen and eating disorders were a (in his opinion) a bit more complicated than drugs and he wasn't sure weather or not he should be the one to force the girl to confront the issue, to take away her consent. He in his opinion didn't know enough. But at the same time he couldn't in good medical faith leave this girl to her own devices. Nathan would have to be told it was just a question of did he do it today, tomorrow or did he try and convince Maya to tell him?

"Does anyone else know about this? About your…issues?" He asked finally. If there was a chance that someone else could speak to this girl then he could go to them. If they could get this to stop without involving Riggs then he was going to. If he didn't then he was going to speak to the man first thing tomorrow morning.

"Amelia does" Maya said leaning her head back on the radiator wall and closing her eyes. The force of the way she vomited was causing all of her body to start shaking. Richard wondered how long this had been going on. But Amelia knew he thought factoring that piece of information away. Perhaps she would be better of telling Amelia about this rather than him. Amelia would certainly know what was going on between Owen, Riggs and this girl better than he did because he was still not getting the whole helicopter thing at all.

"Richard" she said finally. "Are you going to tell?"

Richard looked up from his thoughts his eyes going to his pager. Bailey he noted dimly. What the hell was a Minnick and why did he have to talk to her about it?

"I need to think about this very carefully Maya because I will not enable you. Right now I want you to go home and believe me I will be watching you very carefully. I'm going to speak to Amelia and see what she says but believe me if I think you are making yourself sick I will tell your father even if I have to do it in front of you and publicly."

Maya looked at him like he was the worst person in the world. Funny thing was, was that even if he didn't have a reason to do so, right now he felt like it.

* * *

Meredith was sat on the edge of the stone bench at the exact same spot she had been at when she had officially broken things off with Riggs. She could see him walking towards his car and walking towards his daughter who from this distance Meredith thought her eyes looked rather red. For a second she still sat there feeling the cold stone seep into her jeans.

She had claimed she'd have to end this for professional reasons. She was partly right. What had happened today could not happen again for any reason. She had judged and questioned her medical decisions and Riggs for the wrong reasons and to his credit he had, had every right to be offended by it. She dithered on the spot considering it. It was a good valid reason.

 _Of course_ the voice inside her head remarked snidely. _That never did stop you when it came to Derek did it?_

But that was different.

Wasn't it?

Yes it was. She and Derek had rowed about patients—hell it had nearly cost them their marriage and their daughter and she had been the one to walk away and choose a different specialty. But when they had operated together for whatever reason there had been an ease that had not been there today. But then again, everything that had been there then between the two of them had been at an ease she didn't have now. She wondered if Riggs—if Nathan had felt the same during all of this.

She stood up seeing Maggie at the corner of the hospital staring after the same man Meredith was staring after. There was a long pause where she stared at her sister (her blood sister—nobody would ever climb to the heights that Lexie had managed to of that Meredith knew intimately) and then she forced her legs off the stone step and down to her car her bag on her shoulder and her heart beating a tad faster than what she suspected was strictly appropriate because as she kept telling herself she had done nothing wrong.

Oh God she hoped Alex was already in bed tonight when she got home. There was only so much of that teasing smirk she could take without wanting to throw something in his direction friend or no friend.

Maya was silent in the car. Nathan turned to her staring. There was something about her and her red eyes. She had told him she had cried because she had failed her test but he knew Maya well enough to know that, that was an abject lie.

Could it be Meredith? Had she known what was going on and didn't approve? She only had to ask what was going on and he would tell her and if she told him to get rid of Meredith then she would be gone as soon as the next morning. Nathan sighed as he pulled into his house and watched as Maya all but suddenly stood up and ran into the house and into her bedroom without another word.

Nathan wanted to tell her that dinner was on the table in half an hour but he stopped himself just in time. There was a pause where he stood in the middle of his living room before he turned to pull out his coffee pot. He may as well distract himself by wondering weather or not they had made a mistake today with that woman. There was no point torturing himself because he knew, _he knew,_ that he had done nothing wrong but at the same time he always wanted to look over the evidence again. Better than nothing he supposed.

But he couldn't help but feel like there was something very wrong right now. Very wrong with his daughter. Very wrong with the world.

Something was very wrong with Maya indeed.

And it was that thought that kept him up that not. Not the patient that was now paralysed and for once neither Megan, not even Meredith Grey.

* * *

 **So yeah there's that. I tried to drag out this episode into a couple of other episodes including the introduction of Minnick. Also Richard is not enabling Maya he is just trying to figure out a way to tell Nathan in a way that does not cause a confrontation or more damage as in my opinion he remembers what it was like with Derek and due to AA he knows about Amelia and Ryan. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Again with the next chapter some episodes will be skipped or just mentioned in a paragraph.**

 **Next Chapter-In the aftermath of the arrival of Eliza Minnick, Richard finds his confidence knocked somewhat and finds himself turning to Amelia for help about what to do with Maya's bulimia, Nathan is caught up between Meredith's new rules and questions coming from Owen and Maya slowly begins to head towards rock bottom.**


	16. I Fall To Pieces

**Hi, so here is another chapter. I apologise for the lateness of this chapter but I've been working on my dissertation and that's been a nightmare. Between now and whenever I get it finished updates might be a bit slow. Also I am looking at a new Grey's Anatomy story if your all interested details to come with next chapter.**

 **And yes we have skipped some episodes to go through Season 13.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **TRIGGER WARNINGS-Eating Disorder.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

* * *

Weight of What Was

Chapter 16-I Fall To Pieces

In the aftermath of the arrival of Eliza Minnick, Richard finds his confidence knocked somewhat and finds himself turning to Amelia with help on dealing with Maya's bullemia. Nathan is caught up with Meredith's new rules, Alex comes back, Meredith chooses to stand by Richard and Nathan is caught between Meredith's new rules and questions coming from Owen. Finally Maya is heading towards rock bottom. Some episode jumping.

Episodes Covered-13x09-13x13

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Another heart aches, another heart breaks. I am so much older than I can take. And my affection, well it comes and goes, I need direction to perfection. No, no, no, no._** (All These Things That I've Done-The Killers)

* * *

The aftermath of Maya's confession saw the arrival of Eliza Minnick to the hospital. Maya liked Richard but she had to admit that Minnick while abrasive seemed to be inspiring the Interns. She was an Ortho surgeon and seemed to have no issue with Maya hanging around the hospital—she even once gave her a pamphlet on the latest ortho techniques which Maya didn't get but she appreciated all the same. There was a long pause where she read the file and then threw it away. She was deeply annoyed. More than annoyed she was on tender-hooks. Ever since she had broken down and told Richard that she had an eating disorder she had been waiting around for the other shoe to drop and her Dad to come banging on the door to demand an explanation.

But nothing had happened. Nothing had happened and she was now constantly on edge and more to the point things had been getting worse. She was binging now every day and soon she knew it would be every meal. She was coughing worse than before sometimes it felt like her stomach was being ripped in two and she couldn't think or focus on anything other than her ceiling wall. It had been easy to beg a few days of school and blame it on exhaustion and her father had allowed it. Maya had never been one of those kids who had pulled sick days whenever she wanted and as she got older her Dad had trusted her instincts on when she felt sick even though he could probably read through it by now.

She wondered how long that would last when he found out the truth.

Maya knew she was abusing the trust that he had put in her but she couldn't help it. She was locked in a spiral of shame. The last thing her mother had ever told her and then promised her to keep secret she had thrown out in the open to a bunch of strangers, her father was embroiled in a love triangle with his boss and a woman she liked but was pretty sure didn't like her. She had no friends, her Uncle and grandmother were both strangers to her in reality and she felt so alone that even though she was desperate to speak to someone about what was going on she didn't know how to make the words go to her head to her lips and to cap a perfect situation off she was now spending all of her time wondering if today was the day she was going to be confronted with what she was doing and what that would mean.

So all in all she felt pretty horrible about both the situation and herself.

And it was getting worse. Now she couldn't look at food anymore and soon enough she knew someone else was going to notice.

But she couldn't stop.

And she couldn't speak up.

Amelia had been looking over her charts (and trying to hide from Owen) when Richard came up to her. He jerked his head at the On-Call room and Amelia followed. Granted this was strange but she was not above improvising meetings after tough days. Nobody in their right mind would think they were doing anything else. She understood as well. Minnick arriving didn't help anything. Amelia did not have to deal with that woman in her surgeries yet. Apparently, her teaching standards were up to scratch—Edwards had not killed anyone and though it still set her teeth on edge Blake seemed to be doing well in New York far, far, away from Amelia.

"I need your help" Richard said slamming the door. "It's about Maya Riggs"

Amelia stiffened.

"You know?" she asked finally. Richard nodded. "Yeah I know and she's spiralling."

Amelia sighed. She had been expecting something like that if she was being brutally honest with herself. And if she was being this honest with herself then she had to admit that she should have stepped in and made sure that the girl was coping especially after the aftermath of the whole Megan Hunt having an affair thing. But her own addiction was only just under control. Her sixty day chip was bright and shiny and more to the point her marriage was down around her ankles and she had just let it slip from her mind. She should have kept the girl more on her radar but she had been missing from the hospital for a few days as well.

"You told Riggs?" she asked but she already knew the answer. If Riggs knew that his daughter was spiralling then he would have done something. Hell Owen would have done something. She caught Richard's eye and sighed.

"It bad?" she asked and Richard nodded.

"Riggs needs to know" she said finally. "I'll speak to Maya and let her know what's coming and then I'll get Riggs and Owen in a room. May as well do this together." She sighed feeling a massive migraine coming on. She could do without this—without confronting her estranged husband and his ex best friend and telling them that at least one of their worst nightmares was coming true.

Richard shook his head.

"No tell Riggs on his own. He doesn't want Owen in the room when you tell him. And I can tell Owen if you like. But we need to tell her father. This has gone on long enough, even without the mental implications of what's going on, you and I both know that there are significant surgical ones."

Amelia's pager chose that moment to beep. "Ugh" she said finally. "Minnick. If she isn't bleeding from her brain then I'm going to do something that I'm pretty sure ethically I might regret" Richard shushed her but she noted that he did look rather pleased by the support. She grinned as she headed out of the on-call room.

* * *

Maya had been picking at her dinner at island at her apartment. She felt sick but she knew that if she ate she would only go and throw it up again. But she had timed all of this so when her Dad came in it looked like she was getting over her illness by eating even if it was picking at a peace of toast.

"Hey" her Dad said when he came in. "Meredith just got canned. Tried to defend Richard and Bailey suspended her. The interns are all quoting Game of Thrones and I had that woman in my surgery today telling me that I should let an intern do an entire heart transplant themselves. Never mind the fact that I was in my last year of residency when I got to do that but there you go. Hell I half expected her to drag you in and have you hold the heart in your hands"

Maya did look up at that—she couldn't help it she was too much the surgeons daughter.

"You'd let me do that?"

"No I damn well wouldn't so don't get any ideas"

"You let an intern do a solo surgery?"

"No…actually it was a resident but I resent the implication that I am not a good teacher—besides It's my job to save lives not teach"

"You work at a teaching hospital. Isn't teaching and saving lives supposed to be the point?"

"Saving lives is supposed to be the point. Everything else is moot in my book"

There was a long pause as Maya took that in. She didn't try and pick at her toast anymore but she didn't want to go and make herself throw up for once. For an endless second she thought about what it must be like to hold that scalpel and operate completely unchecked and then she shook her head.

Suddenly there was a pause as she took in what was he had just said. "Wait" she said finally. "Did you say that Meredith Grey has been suspended?"

No wonder the interns thought winter was coming.

And then something else clicked.

"Hey since when did you have time to watch Game of Thrones"

That night she didn't make herself sick. She almost felt like herself. For the first time in a long time Maya woke up feeling hopeful.

That feeling didn't last long.

* * *

The next day she fell asleep during her English class. She managed to blag her way out of trouble by claiming she was tired but twice she had to bolt to the toilets, both times she ended up purging and her cough had gotten so bad that by now she felt like her insides were being ripped out.

Something in the back of her mind told Maya that this was not normal. That this was trouble and it was that, that took her to the hospital. She lay down in the on-call room listening to the sounds of her stomach rumbling and aching and growling in ways that frightened her.

Maya noted that she was getting sick of thinking about her mother. That woman was the one person who had caused this. She was sick of hating her. But hate she supposed in the darkness of the on-call room, hate was better than breaking down and crying.

She stayed in that mercifully empty room for a while before she got a message from her Dad telling him that she was done. She got to her feet dropping from the top bunk to the bottom and felt a wave of dizziness so strong that she almost came over faint. She forced herself to think about something other than when the last time food had actually resided in her stomach and then opened the door and walked outside with an expression that she at the very least hoped—fooled someone rather than everyone.

Her Dad was talking to Doctor Webber and dread and something that felt suspiciously like relief hit her all at once. Finally she was getting the intervention. Somebody could make her stop doing this because God knows she couldn't stop doing this to herself.

She came to a stop in front of them and opened her mouth to start explaining but they were looking at something over the phone. Maya stayed silent and read the email over her Dad's shoulder. Meredith Grey had indeed been suspended and April Kepner was to be her replacement. Maya liked April. It was simple to her. April would do a good job and with all the warring attendings it seemed like someone finally had to put the patients before the method of teaching.

As her Dad had said they were in the profession of saving lives before anything else wont they?

That night she purged again. She did it in the shower this time so that the sound was masked and then she curled into a ball and sat at the other end of the shower watching the vomit drain down the plug hole. The problem was with the steam and the fact that she felt so tired she didn't look at it for long. Only when she was brushing her teeth and she spat out the last of the water did she see it.

Blood.

For a second she stared at it and then she washed that away too, closed the bathroom door and climbed into bed the photograph of the brown haired girl and her red headed mother face down on the bedside cabinet beside her.

* * *

 **And there you go. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope that the next one will be up sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-April is the new Chief of General Surgery, Maggie is furious. Maya defends April and Nathan life is blown apart as Maya finally hits her rock bottom. **


	17. Never No More

**Hi, so here is another chapter. Thank you all so much for you patience however as always my uni work comes first so it might be some time before there is an update. However I hope you all like this one.**

 **As I might have said before I am not a Maggie Fan, never have been never will be. I am far too much a Lexie and Japril fan to like Maggie and therefore I should tell you that this story will probably have a Japril ending. If you like Maggie then fair enough you should probably skip this chapter in it's entirety. Fair Warning.**

 **On another note i have mentioned i am in the middle of planning another Grey's story. This one is another favourite pairing of mine but one I have not written about before and that is Lexie and Mark. More details to come but i hope to have this story published soon. It is essentially the Teddy/Henry arc but just with Mark and Lexie and a happier ending. Hopefully i will ahve the first chapter published soon.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **TRIGGER WARNINGS-EATING DISORDERS, VERBAL ABUSE.**

 **Also I apricated some episodes have been skipped. Also I found this episode and the residents treatment of April appalling and it certainly cemented my hatred of Maggie.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 17-Never No More.

April is the new Chief of General Surgery, Maggie is furious and baying for blood, Maya defends April and Nathan's life is blown apart as his daughter finally hits rock bottom. Significant Trigger Warnings.

Episodes Covered-13x13 

* * *

_**"I give up, I give in. I lay down, I surrender. I won't fight, I won't try. I lay down at your side. I won't cry. I won't try, why should I? I lay down at your side. I surrender.**_ (I Surrender-Aron Wright) 

* * *

Maya personally should have known it was coming. Of course when all the shit hit the fan then she was going to not be in a position to come to terms with what had happened. That would come later.

She had taken the day of school. Her headaches were getting worse and her hands were shaking and she knew she was in trouble. As much as it pained her to admit she couldn't stop herself from vomiting. She wasn't in denial about the whole thing like the last time but she knew that she couldn't stop. She knew that she needed help and yet at the same time she couldn't find her voice to speak up and ask for it.

So she went to the hospital.

And it was chaos.

April was the new chief of surgery and it was clear that she was being frozen out by her so-called friends as well as the father of her child and it was beyond painful to watch. April had been a friend of her Dad's—had been the only one who had in those early days who had bothered to talk to him and therefore she had, had a great respect for the red headed woman. And as she had previously said she had no love for Maggie Pierce. To see April being hounded by the woman that Maya didn't like was painful and her temper which was razor thin at this point was borderline at breaking point.

Her Dad was being civil but she knew that it was just because he too didn't like the idea of being out in the cold. There was a pause where she stood there and took it in and the fury that Maya had felt in that moment watching April Kepner sitting alone with lunch and shooting looks at her so called friends who were gossiping. She ignored the looks and sat down next to her.

"Why aren't you in school?" April said looking surprised at the sight of her. Maya shrugged. She didn't want to go into why she was here instead of school. In fact if she never spoke of it again then she would be happy.

"I wanted to congratulate you on your promotion you were the best person for the job" she said and then because she was pissed and feeling dangerous she turned and met Maggie Peirce's eyes "So nice to see that there is a surgeon in this hospital who puts their patients first" she said in a voice that carried so that every family member and staff member in the cafeteria could hear her. "Imagine if you got the surgeon that cared more about politics than patients!"

April kicked her under the table and Maya turned back feeling her mouth twist into a snarling kind of smile. She felt feral and alive. She told April as much. "Is that what it's like to cut?" she asked finally.

"Pretty much" April said grimly.

"Hey now your pretty much the new Meredith Grey can I come in a you know…cut?"

"No"

"Fine because I stuck up for you can I watch?"

"No" said a voice behind her. Maya turned around and smiled. "Hey Dad"

"Hey…why aren't you in school?"

Maya shrugged. There was something about the way she was feeling now that would have worried her if she wasn't feeling better than she had felt in months. She forced herself to not dwell on what this meant for her and for her health. If she dwelled on that then she would do more than spill her guts…

"I wanted to give April my support and tell your boss she's a patient endangering cow!" she shouted winking in Maggie's direction. The woman looked mortified. Maya felt alive.

"Maya" her Dad hissed but Maya turned back to her drink not listening to him, this feeling might be dangerous but it was all she had at the minute and she was not going to let anyone take that away from her. Let everyone be embarrassed. They had, had no problem (Maggie being one of them) when they had embarrassed her by forcing her to relieve one of the worst nights in her life and partially see her relapse into something she was now pretty sure she couldn't come back from alone.

* * *

"Riggs" Owen said hurrying up to him in the corridor. "What the hell was all that about?"

"Damned if I know."

Owen paused. His initial reaction when he had seen Maya react was shame—shame he knew Arizona had felt as well. As far as Minnick was concerned Owen took the same stance as Riggs. They didn't like being told that there were issues in their teaching but the fact of the matter was that they put the patients first. Besides Owen didn't do the one-to-one teaching that Peirce did with Murphy or that Grey did with Wilson. He hadn't seen anyone with that raw talent for his specialty since Kepner. And before that George O'Malley. He didn't approve of Bailey's methods but Maggie's he would admit to were just as bad if not worse. Encouraging residents to walk out of April's OR and telling patients she was not as good as Meredith Grey damaged a lot more than Aprils confidence in his book.

"She's right you know" Riggs said finally. "About Maggie. Someone needs to tell her she has to rein her behaviour in. I heard about Meredith's patient this morning. And that was too High School even for me"

Owen agreed. "You think it should be me?" he asked sounding and feeling horrified at the thought.

"No I think it should be Webber but I doubt he's gonna fall on his sword and deal with it do you?"

"He might…Richard's a stickler for patient care above all else. And he'd be horrified if he realised that Meredith walked out over him even if does help. I'll ask him. As much as it pains me to admit it Maya's right. April was offered an opportunity and she took it"

Owen acknowledged that Cristina would have done exactly the same thing had she had the chance (in her own specialty). God knows he had been caught between the rows between her and Teddy enough times to know that.

"Hey" he said finally. "Did Maya look ok to you she looked…on edge to me. Nathan…" They both acknowledged the use of Riggs's first name. "She looked…she looked ill…"

Nathan sighed. "She's been looking tired and she says she's been feeling sick for days. Actually I had half a mind to get her in here and do some tests but she's never been rude like that before. I mean defensive yeah she's got Meg's streak there. But I mean the last time she was this confrontational in public was when…" and then suddenly he trailed off.

Owen watched him. He had known Nathan long enough to pick up on the signs of what his best friend was doing. He was thinking very hard and counting in his head something. He looked at the vending machine to his right and then back to Owen his eyes still unseeing. Just when Owen thought he might have to call someone he came back to himself though he looked horrified.

"Owen" he said… "Owen I think I know…but I was watching…and I was sure she had stopped and then…then I stopped…after the wedding I stopped watching and…unless she got better at hiding it but of course she got better they always do don't they? It's textbook. I stopped watching because she got better at hiding it…but why…Meghan…Meghan she told me about Meghan. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He trailed off looking horrified.

"Where the hell are you going with this?" Owen asked dread curling into a ball in his stomach the likes of which he had not felt in a long time. Nathan looked at him without really seeing him.

"Owen…I need to find my daughter now. I think I know what all of this is about. I think…if I'm right…we need to get her…I need to get her help"

And then he was gone before Owen could piece together what that meant for both his friend and his niece.

* * *

"Hey!"

Maya was leaning against the nurses station feeling like she was going to die. Her headache was back in full force and the shaky feeling was back in her legs. Her throat felt like sandpaper and she shivered pulling her leather jacket tighter around her shoulders. She was approaching rock bottom she could feel it. But still she couldn't seem to speak—to ask for the help that she needed to stop. Because this would be the second time that she would be in this situation and she didn't think she could stand the look on her Dad's face when she told him she had slipped up this bad.

She turned to see Maggie Peirce hair quivering with rage and Maya threw down her phone on the counter. Good, she needed a good fight. She had been desperate to fight this woman since she had been forced to tell her Dad that his fiancé and mother of his child had been cheating on him for the better part of the last year of their lives together.

"What now?" she asked lazily.

"What now? How dare you humiliate me like that in front of patients"

"How dare I? I am not the one acting like a bully. Yeah that's right Princess, a bully. You think because you're the daughter of the great Ellis Grey that you get to bully your fellow attending like she's in High School because she put the patients wellbeing before her own? Newsflash sweetheart! Only Meredith Grey can do that because she's Meredith Grey! You are not Meredith Grey, hell your not even Cristina Yang!—" And now Maya was aware she wasn't making sense.

"You humiliated a fellow doctor all week for taking putting her patients first, you questioned her competency, threw so much shade at her it was unreal and then have the balls to come and yell at me for sticking up for her. Thank God I warned my Dad from going on a date with you. Saved myself a lot of hassle."

There was a selective gasp from the interns. But Maya didn't care because at that second Maggie had smacked her and she half fell into the nurses station as if her body had been cut from it's strings.

"You self centred bitch. No wonder your mother got on that helicopter rather than stay and raise you. God your so ugly inside and out."

It was so close to what she had been thinking that Maya couldn't stop herself. She started laughing which of course turned to coughing.

"Maggie" That was Jackson Avery. "That was harsh. She's a kid. Her Mom is dead did you have to go that far?"

"She started it!"

"Maggie she's sixteen"

And that was Arizona Robbins. "And maybe the Riggs thing was a bit much but she's right. I don't like April's decision but I have to admit that I felt horrible at lunch today and blanking her was your idea. I'm sorry, I love Richard but this has gone too far"

But Maya was still coughing.

"Eh guys" said a voice to her left. That was Andrew DeLuca. His hands were now all that were keeping Maya upright.

"I think something's wrong"

And Maya couldn't breathe. It was like something was lodged in her throat that couldn't get out. She didn't know if she was choking or having a panic attack—knowing her luck it was both.

"Maya sweetheart just try and take a few deep breaths for me. Cross go page Riggs and the Chief"

That was Arizona again but Maya couldn't do it anymore. She was too tired.

And of course that was the moment he arrived.

"Maya"

She was aware of DeLuca still holding her up because her legs didn't feel like her legs anymore. She was aware she was surrounded by nearly half of the surgical staff and Maggie Pierce was standing to the side looking horrified. A part of Maya wanted to apologise and the other part of her didn't care. She just didn't want to feel like this anymore. So out of place and like she was crawling out of her own skin.

There was a pause where everything seemed to become still. She looked up and knew her Dad knew.

He knew that she was making herself sick again. That she had pushed her body to the brink again—perhaps even more so than before. For certain she had never felt like this before.

"I'm sorry" she said finally. "I screwed up Dad. I screwed it all up again. Maggie's right. I screw everything up"

And then the thing lodged in her throat came loose and it came out of her. Vomit, water, fluid, blood.

She had thrown up blood.

Ok this really was worse than the last time.

Dimly she was aware of panicking. Owen was there, her Dad was there, DeLuca and Jackson and April and the Chief were there. Amelia and Richard…everyone. She got one good look at them and then she pitched backwards into the interns arms as everything went black and Maya Riggs finally…finally…hit her rock bottom.

* * *

(But hey. The only was from here on out is up right?)

* * *

 **And there you go. I don't like Maggie, I didn't like this episode. And I found this chapter very painful to write having being bullied myself. Therefore I hope you all enjoy and understand why this chapter had to be this way.**

 **Next Chapter-Nathan goes mad with worry, Owen learns the truth, Richard feels incredibly guilty, Jackson must tackle both Maggie and April and Meredith Grey returns in a storm of awesomeness.**


	18. Snap Back

**Hi, so here is another chapter, I hope you all enjoy. Please leave your feedback and hopefully I will update soon.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **As Always TRIGGER WARNINGS for Eating Disorders.**

 **Also I have stated that I intend to publish another Grey's Anatomy story, that first chapter is in the works but might be a bit delayed. However this story will consist of 31 chapters and we are over halfway there so...**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 18-Snap Back

Nathan goes mad with worry, Owen learns the truth, Richard feels incredibly guilty, Jackson must tackle a warring Maggie and April and Meredith Grey returns to Grey-Sloan in a storm of awesomeness.

Episodes Covered-13x14

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _When it's all over. When it's all done. We say, Amen. Overwhelmed by love. And all is well. We say, Amen. When we feel a peace. We can't understand. We say, Amen."_** (Amen-Natalie Taylor)

* * *

For a second Owen wasn't sure if he'd heard him right because there was no way that, that word had come out of his friends mouth. For a second it was just him processing it. Nathan who was watching from the room was looking through the glass as his daughter went in for a CT scan.

"Bulimia?" was all he said.

Nathan nodded. His friend looked as if he had aged ten years in the past ten minutes. Maya had been in and out of consciousness when she had collapsed and Nathan had started barking out orders left right and centre which left Owen in no doubt that this was not the first time something like this had happened. Once again he lamented the fact that he had not kept in touch with his niece but the thought of Meghan's daughter had simply been pain on top of pain.

And now there was this.

"How the—how did this—how?" was all he could say.

"It started about a year ago. Or that was what she told me. There was a good chance it was going on before that, I don't know but all I know is that I walked into my bathroom one day and saw my daughter with two fingers down her throat"

Owen took that in for a second.

"And you…you didn't do anything?"

Nathan shot him a look that was for lack of a better word, frightening.

"I did do something" he said lowly. "I got her therapy. I tried to talk to her about rehab but she just shut up about it and you've lived with Meghan. You tell me how pushing that would have worked out. I thought she was doing ok, hell she was doing ok, I don't know what triggered this"

But there was something in the tone of his voice that made Owen paused and then when he spoke it was in a voice that even to his own ears seemed small and weak and utterly terrified. If this was what he was feeling he didn't want to imagine what Nathan was feeling. He wanted to ask if it was him—if it was him who had caused Maya to relapse into one of the most dangerous eating disorders on the medical spectrum or if it was something else but at that moment DeLuca (looking as though he would rather be doing a bowel obstruction that be the one delivering the news) came out and the three of them looked at the scans.

Owen had not been on a general rotation for many years but even he knew what an infected stomach lining and throat looked like. Maya would need surgical intervention and she would need the best. There was no discussion of who would do it. Bailey or Webber would. Actually if Owen was being honest with himself he would have preferred Meredith to do the surgery. Bailey and Webber were good surgeons but there was something about Meredith that he couldn't help but like regardless of the many times over the course of the previous years when they had been screaming at each other weather it be about Cristina or Amelia.

There was a long pause where he stood there and took in the scene for the briefest of seconds and then he stopped again.

"Maya needs surgery" he said finally looking over the scans. Nathan didn't even bother to dignify that with a response—after all they had been on the same rotation too many years ago to count.

"Yeah" DeLuca said finally picking up on the stillness. "Who should I page Doctor Riggs…Doctor Hunt?"

There was a pause and Owen turned to his friend who was staring at his daughter who was still pretty much out of it as if she was the last thing that he would ever clap eyes on. Owen paused for another second and then he took the decision. If there was someone he wanted operating on the last thing he had that reminded him off his sister, it was the best.

"Webber" was all he said and DeLuca nodded and then disappeared.

"He's good" Nathan said finally into the silence. It was not a question yet at the same time Owen suspected it was.

"He's good" was all he said back.

Nathan nodded once and didn't say anything else.

* * *

However Webber couldn't do it.

* * *

"I'm sorry" he confessed to Bailey who had pulled him aside. "I knew Miranda. I knew the girl was in trouble—hell I probably escalated this"

He sounded so woebegone that Miranda couldn't help but feel for him. He had been caught between a rock and a hard place and she knew a good deal of it had been because he had not had a clue what was happening with his own life. There was a pause where she acknowledged that this might have something to do with her but she tried not to think about that. The Minnick method was working she knew that much but she couldn't help but pretend that Meredith's cold stare didn't hurt. After all the only reason Meredith hadn't been thrown out of the damn hospital when Miranda had caught her straddling Derek's lap all those years ago was because Miranda could see a damn good surgeon underneath all that.

(and yes she had known that then thank you very much)

"You didn't force Maya Riggs to become bulimic. And look, the girl's been surrounded by surgeons let's face reality Richard, she's hidden it very well, not even Riggs knew she was in trouble"

"But I knew the secret and I didn't tell anyone!"

Miranda sighed. "Richard, you and I both know that regardless of what the medical authority has told us eating disorders are an addition. I knew you were spiralling all those years ago but the reality was I didn't tell anyone because I cared about you too much—also I didn't know what you would do. I didn't know Richard…and what you know from your own experiences and from your dealings with Amelia you know that confronting the issue is just as dangerous. Had you confronted Maya then something could have happened that would have been worse, hell looking at her scans…well…at least we know what's going on. Look, you don't wanna do the surgery then fine, but you have to tell Riggs and Hunt why, you owe them all—you owe Riggs at the very least that much and you owe yourself that as well"

Richard nodded but the relationship between the two of them was so damaged these days that Miranda didn't have a clue weather or not he had gotten what she was trying to tell him. In all honesty she felt like she needed to go back into her office shut the door and destroy something.

But she didn't.

She was a professional after all.

"You know" Richard said finally. "You have a full day ahead of you. Riggs is gonna want the best for his daughter. You and I both know who he's going to trust a damn sight more than either one of us"

Miranda did know but she was not going to give him the satisfaction of admitting that she too missed Meredith. Oh—she was not going to give him that satisfaction—of that she knew without a shadow of a doubt.

"I will do the surgery" she said flatly. "You will not call Meredith"

Of course she should have known what or to who Richard's first phone call after that conversation was going to be.

* * *

"So Bailey's doing the surgery" Riggs said flatly. He had not looked up from his daughter in the bed out of it and Andrew was honestly getting worried. The last thing Maya Riggs needed when she woke up from surgery was the sight of her father on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

"Yes sir. I am going to assist if that's alright…she's closed the gallery as well so nobody can go in, she err…she didn't say anything about you however so I don't know…"

There was a pause as Riggs turned to give him a long look and Andrew was suddenly very aware in this moment that Riggs had served and seen things Andrew could never understand and that at this very moment he probably knew the best way to kill Andrew without him even seeing it coming. He paused swallowing.

"Do you want me to tell her that you and Doctor Hunt will be in the gallery watching?"

"You can tell her wild horses wouldn't drag me away from this" Doctor Riggs said finally.

"I don't however have a clue as to what Doctor Hunt wants to do"

That was said with a slightly bitter tone that for the sake of his surgical skills and probably his life Andrew decided not to comment on. Instead he nodded and excused himself from the room before something happened that he would regret. He carefully didn't notice that Riggs was cradling his phone as he looked at the daughter who was the last thing he had of the woman he loved who was out cold because of the morphine as he scheduled on OR to cut her open.

Somethings didn't even register these days.

* * *

Meredith got the phone call as she was on her third cup of coffee in an hour and contemplating an afternoon yoga class (Meredith Grey—yoga class—oh if the great Ellis Grey could see her now!). The phone call was a welcome distraction from the slow decline of her brain into nothingness and she bit her bottom lip for a second before answering.

There was no reason for her to get so nervous was there? After all she could probably do with a booty call right about now—not like she had anything else to do after all was there? Instead she forced herself to calm her suddenly out of control heart and answer the phone call.

"This is Meredith. Nathan? What's up?"

She listened to the conversation and then took another breathe suddenly feeling sick to her stomach.

 _She had not known._

Well time to swallow her pride then.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes Nathan. Don't worry"

Well she thought staring at the phone as she hung up. That was a stupid thing to say wasn't it. If it had been Zola or Bailey or Ellis…

Yeah, that was a stupid thing to say.

Nathan was sat in the OR gallery when Meredith got to him. There was something to be said for the nurses that still worked here. They were all exceptionally loyal to her and for that reason she was able to sneak into an OR unnoticed. Riggs was sat against the wall his head in his hands and Meredith sat down next to him taking his hand in hers without even bothering to look at him. He would know if it was her or not. He had been the one who had called her after all.

She looked around but she didn't see Owen—hopefully he was with Amelia and therefore she could try and cope with one of the family members on her own and her sister could deal with the other.

She didn't say anything to him—there was no point he wouldn't believe her anyway. She did however sit there watching silently as Maya came into the OR her whole body, her whole essence seeming small under the sheet. Meredith took a moment to acknowledge that Maya had stood over her when she had been attacked and had pointed out that Amelia was worthy of something other than Meredith's own hate. She refused to acknowledge what that meant for her.

"Nathan" she said finally. "Do you want me to get you anything?"

There was a shake of the head.

"Do you want me to go?"

Again there was shake of the head.

"No" he said finally making her jump. "I want you to stay"

Meredith didn't know what to say to that so she just did what he asked.

She stayed.

What else could she do?

She didn't want to think about what this meant—but she did know that nothing from this moment on in her life, Nathan's, Owen's or especially Maya's would be the same.

* * *

 **And there you are. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I will endeavour to update sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-Maya comes out of surgery but is still unconscious. Meredith, Maggie and Amelia have it out about what happened with Maya. Meredith confesses to Amelia her feelings about Riggs, Alex doesn't know why Riggs is at work and Bailey takes in what has to be done when it becomes clear that Riggs and Maggie cannot work together.**

 **And I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always any medical opinions are my own.**


	19. Sisterhood

**Hi, so here is another chapter. I do apologise for the lateness but uni has been manic and exams are only just around the corner so there is a very good chance there will be small gap again between updates.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just this chapter and Maya.**

 **I have calculated that there are twelve more chapters to this story left so please stay tuned and I will try and get them all posted.**

 **Please let me know what you think.**

 **As always TRIGGER WARNINGS for eating disorders.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 19-Sisterhood

Maya comes out of surgery but is still unconscious. Meredith and Amelia have a conversation about what happened with Maya and Meredith confesses to Amelia her feelings about Riggs. Alex doesn't know why Riggs is at work and Bailey must take steps when it becomes clear that Maggie and Nathan cannot work together.

Episodes Covered-13x15

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _A white blank page, and a swelling rage, rage. You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink. You desired my attentions, my affections."_** (White Blank Page-Mumford and Sons)

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When Bailey had told them that Maya had come out with flying colours and that barring infection she would survive another day Meredith had given a genuine smile of relief. It was strange. She had been there watching the whole thing with Nathan and she had done enough of surgeries like these for her to know the risks on the back of her hand. There was a pause as she took it in the paleness of the girl who had ben struggling in silence and there was a pause as she acknowledged that she too had been in Maya's life and she too had not seen this coming. For a bunch of world class surgeons they had sure been played by a sixteen year old girl.

Probably best they didn't mention that in the advertising.

Maya went off to a room and Meredith let Nathan go with her. She wondered about calling Owen and seeing what he was doing—after all she had promised Cristina that she would look after him and Owen self destructed in situations like this like she had done before Derek had shown her how to live. She needed a moment she realised. She needed a moment before she dealt with Owen, a moment to deal with what had happened. Because Meredith liked to think of herself as prepared for anything but she had not seen this secret being brought to life and she had to take a second and acknowledge that it did change everything.

Not what she felt for Nathan though. That didn't change at least not for her and not right now and that was what had her collapsing on the couch in the Attending's Lounge like she had done when she had finally acknowledged that she and Alex were grown ups who would have to pay for their own mistakes. She had turned to him for help that time. There was no need to ask Nathan for it now. This time she was alone when it came to processing this.

As soon as she opened the door however she found out that she wasn't.

Amelia was sat there her hands twisting in her lap and her eyes on her coffee as if she really wished that there was something else in there apart from the sugar she took with it. Meredith eyed her for a second and then decided that the ache in her back and her despair at the entire situation was too great and in what she knew to be a very ungraceful way she sat down on the chair and ran a hand through her hair, tugging at the strands to try and ground herself.

There was a silence between the two of them that seemed to last forever—where neither of them could think of what to say and Meredith took a moment to acknowledge that a good chunk of her relationship with Amelia had been either overexcited chatter or silence. Derek had always been the one who had broken that silence and Meredith felt another pang as she remembered (as if she could forget) that Derek was gone.

Amelia looked at her for a second and then when she spoke there was something about her voice that made her look up and study her sister in law for a long time.

"Did she survive?"

When Meredith spoke however it was not an answer to the question.

There was a pause where she took in that look on Amelia's face and then when she spoke it was not a question.

"You knew?"

Amelia didn't say anything for a long second and that told her all that she needed to know.

"Yes" Amelia said finally and then when she spoke again it was in a rush as if the words were tripping out of her desperate for some form of escape. "But Meredith I only knew for a few weeks and I tried to stop her, I did, I spoke to Webber about it and he tried to have a word with her but you know Maya and you know what confronting the issue would have done and I didn't want to do that. And then my marriage was failing after my scare and I thought about Chris—" she stopped herself from talking before she could even finish that sentence and then she was struggling to even breathe.

"Oh she's survived all right" Meredith said dryly. "I imagine Maya could survive anything. And it was a basic surgery. What I want to know however is what the hell happened today. I was busy…dying of lack of stimulus to my brain but that's beside the point and then I get a phone call about the whole thing, Maya, something about Maggie…"

Amelia gave a low groan.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know"

"Maggie…she…Meredith look Maggie's been blaming April for this whole Minnick thing and today…she took it a bit too far. Called her a traitor, bad mouthed her to a patient who was all but convinced April would kill her for not being you…and it got worse, she told everyone not to sit with her at lunch…look I didn't have lunch I was in a consult but I hear she's been holding cases over Riggs's head…she knows there friends and she's been playing on Jackson's hurt and all of it. Mer it got bad. I didn't know what to tell you about it but…and Maya, she responded, you know what she's like she does that. She told everyone in the bloody hospital that Maggie was a bitch and a crap doctor and then Maggie confronted her about it and Meghan Hunt got dragged into it and Maya responded and then Maggie said something about how it wasn't a surprise that Meghan Hunt had played dead or had gone on that helicopter and died because it was better than coming home to Maya and then Maya just collapsed and then all hell broke loose. Nathan and Owen were there and Maggie melted into the crowd. Haven't seen her since but she knows I'm Maya's friend so that might be it. To be honest it might just be the fact that she doesn't want to face anyone but…"

She shrugged and Meredith took a moment to try and figure out a way to dissect that lengthy speech.

"Fucking hell" was all she said.

Amelia's mouth twitched once but she said nothing.

There was a pause as Meredith took it in and then she spoke.

"So what now?

"You mean for Maya, for Riggs or for Maggie's career?"

"All three. You and me both know Nathan is a fool if he doesn't report this. Someone will. She verbally attacked his daughter in a hallway, she's an employee, weather or not she was provoked she's supposed to know better"

Amelia said nothing to this truth—and it was truth—they were taught this on their first day of medical school. Do not let your emotions get in the way of your professionalism.

"Best case scenario?" Meredith asked. "For Maggie?"

Amelia shrugged. "I have no clue" she said. "Probably some form of probation. An apology for sure and I wouldn't put anything past Bailey making an example of her"

The like you bit was implied but Meredith ignored it.

There were after all bigger things to worry about right now.

"So you knew" she said finally.

Amelia nodded. "I knew she had an eating disorder previously she told me that much. She told me it had stopped. She told me that it was over and that I shouldn't worry but…I mean I suppose there were signs. Richard knew, he told me and I made a plan to talk to Riggs about it but things with Owen…I got distracted. I meant to do it today actually but then it all kicked off and I didn't want to rat her out when she was so angry. God knows it always pushed me over the edge. Last time I had an intervention…" she trailed off and Meredith knew she was thinking about whatever it was in LA that had caused her to run to Derek when it had gotten bad and what made her terrified of having children.

"Well you weren't alone in thinking she had a problem" Meredith admitted. "There was something…there has been something about her…since the wedding, I mean that night she…" she shook her head trying to find the words to describe Maya Riggs that night she had seen Meredith standing in her kitchen in her father's shirt.

"Wait…you and Riggs?"

Oh shit.

"Yeah" she said finally turning back to her once sister in law.

Amelia's eyebrows rose to the top of her forehead but she didn't elaborate on her thoughts. She looked torn between bitter amusement and something else much like that time nearly a year ago when Meredith had admitted she had been right—there was no way she could distinguish her feelings from her professionalism in the case of Penny Blake.

"You do get that Maggie likes him right?"

"Well I doubt the feelings mutual after this" Meredith snapped. "Yeah…of course by the time I knew that I'd done him four times and once in his car to boot"

"Well at your age that's impressive" Amelia said smirking.

"At my what?"

And then the two of them were grinning despite everything that had happened in the last half a day or so.

"You like him?" Amelia asked finally.

Meredith considered this. Was what she was feeling like she had felt for Derek? No. there was one Derek, there was always one Derek and a man like Derek Shepherd came once in a lifetime. Nathan was not Derek and yet…if she had never met Derek, if her world had not been blown apart by Derek Shepherd that night at the bar—had he not crashed into her life like some sort of explosion then she supposed Nathan wasn't a bad second choice. It might seem cruel but that was all she had. There was a long pause as she acknowledged that. For the first time she acknowledged her feelings.

"I do like him." She said simply. "It's not the same. It's not Derek but…" she shrugged.

Amelia's face warmed a little as she remembered the brother that she had fought with like cats in a basket but never, never stopped loving. Meredith knew the feeling only too well.

"No" she said finally echoing Meredith's thoughts. "Men like Derek are few and far between"

There was a long pause.

"I'm happy for you" Amelia said simply. Meredith knew what she was trying to say deep down.

"Thank you" she said back simply.

And they sat there in some sort of bizarre and yet comfortable silence for a long time.

* * *

Alex didn't have children. In fact right now Alex didn't have a relationship. Which he was fine about just so you know (except not really but that was a story for another time indeed) but he did know mental illness and he knew the toll that one family members illness could have on the person that had to pick up the pieces

What he didn't understand was why the hell Riggs was back at work and why the hell he was proposing a heart transplant for a newborn.

Ok the last bit he did understand even though he didn't agree with it. But the being at work thing he didn't and that was a problem because Alex was pretty sure it was clouding the man's judgement and he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do a heart transplant on a baby especially if there was a problem with his daughter who had still not woken up from her surgery.

He tried talking to Mer about it but the next thing he knew DeLuca had gotten a baby heart and Riggs was prepping for surgery and Alex had had enough. Weather or not this surgery could go ahead was immaterial. The problem was going to be corrected for baby Gus and therefore that was good but Alex knew the risks when you had a surgeon on the table whose mind was elsewhere.

"You need to get him off the surgery" he said to Maggie.

And judging by the way that Riggs was now in surgery he supposed that had gone like most things in Alex's life. Down the scrub sink.

There was a pause where he stood there before the glass windows and then he pushed in. Alex found that he was angry. He was angry at Riggs for doing this surgery, angry at Maggie for not getting him to stop, angry at DeLuca for finding that damn heart and saying yes to it in the first place and angry at Webber for allowing this whole situation to develop and not put a stop to it (for the older man had confessed to his knowledge of Maya's eating disorder this morning—Riggs had done nothing but walk away and that was another thing that Alex wasn't sure wasn't going to come back and kick him up the arse at some point today) and he was sure that wasn't the end of it. Mostly he was angry at the world and he didn't know why and that only served to make him angrier. He knew what it was like to be alone and suffering and while he didn't like Maya all that much (he knew she had said something to Meredith when she had been attacked and that had set his teeth on edge at the time) he didn't want the kid to die and he knew that bulimia was a disease that sadly saw many slow, painful deaths without treatment. And treatment was hard.

He carried on with the surgery and Riggs he had to admit preformed it well. And Alex was double checking ever stich he made.

It was DeLuca who broke the silence.

"I'm sorry about Maya Doctor Riggs, she's really nice. I hope she gets better"

Riggs stared at DeLuca for a second and then nodded his head. Alex shot DeLuca a look who shrugged a little dislodging his suction. Alex glared at him and he quickly returned to the task at hand.

"You sent Pierce to me" Riggs said quietly.

"I did." Alex said without shame. "And if it had been me you would have sent Robbins to me. It's patient care. It's kids. I don't take chances. You know all of that"

Riggs didn't say anything for a long time until the surgery was done and there was only one thing to do. He seemed to be holding on by a thread.

"DeLuca would you like to attach the last of the tissue and then close?"

DeLuca looked like Christmas had come early which had at least for a resident.

Riggs crossed the table, so he was stood next to Alex.

"You think I'm a crap father?" he whispered but it was so filled with self hate that even Alex couldn't let it continue.

"No" he said finally. "I've had a crap father I know what one is. You've just got a kid that's good at hiding shit"

"I couldn't stay in the same room as _her._ " Was all he said and Alex knew he meant Maggie.

"I couldn't do it Karev. She's my boss and she was thinking about what was best for little Gus here I get that but all I could think of in that moment was how easy it would be to break her. I haven't felt rage like that since Owen blamed—" he cut himself off quickly as if that memory was too painful to talk about and Alex was suddenly very aware that they were having this conversation in a room with half of the surgical staff plus a surgical resident in attendance who was busy closing up with a dedication that told Alex he was pretending deafness. Alex really wanted to be somewhere else and because of that sudden rush of awkwardness (and if he was being honest with himself a great deal of sympathy for Riggs) made his honestly attack and say what he was thinking rather than what was best for the woman that he lived with (amongst her two sisters one of whom was the only person who had ever stood by him regardless of everything).

"Then ask Bailey to do something. Take some time off. Report her to the Medical Board. I don't know. But you have a kid who needs you so many you should take some time off and focus on her. I mean your lucky with this but if something happens and your holding a scalpel…come on Riggs we both know how that ends up."

There was a long pause which was broken when DeLuca told them that he was done. Alex thought he was done too. He wanted to go home and open the bottle of tequila Meredith kept under her bed that she thought he didn't know that she had.

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Meredith was peering through the window at the still sleeping form of Maya when Amelia came up to her.

"Maggie's been suspended. Riggs went to Bailey and took some time off but Bailey's calling the board."

Meredith nodded. It was what she expected if she was being honest with herself. At least Maggie was not up before the board with her licence under the microscope. That had to mean something.

"I should have seen this" was all Amelia said finally.

"No." Meredith said. "You know what it's like when your addicted to destroying your body. You hide things. You think she's hit rock bottom?"

"I hope so" was all Amelia said.

Meredith was about to say something but then the machines started bleeping in the room and she opened it sprinting in to check was what amiss Amelia right behind her.

It didn't take her long to figure out what was going on. Maya was fighting against the tube down her throat her dark hair sticking to her pillow and her eyelids fighting against the drugs that had knocked her unconscious.

Maya Riggs was waking up.

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 **And there you go, I hope you like this chapter and hopefully I will see you soon.**

 **Next Chapter-Amelia and Owen have a moment in which they both acknowledge the things that they should have done differently. Meredith and Maya have a talk and Nathan comes out of Bailey's office to hear that his daughter has woken up.**


	20. Last Miniute Resistance

**Hi, so here is another chapter. Ther** **e are only eleven chapters left and only three more of Season 13.**

 **This chapter does delve a little into Owen and Amelia and their relationship. I do think that Amelia's behaviour in Season 13 was not just the result of a brain tumour. I think she was genuinely scared of having children and it's not surprising given what she went through in Private Practice and I think it was almost lazy of the writers to chalk this down to a brain tumour as with most of Amelia's behaviour. I also think that Owen's feelings towards Maya are a little bit like Meredith's feelings towards Amelia post Derek's death. He does love Maya but it's hard to see her and not his sister especially after so long pretending that she didn't exist.**

 **As always with this chapter there are some TRIGGER WARNINGS for eating disorders.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And I will try and update sooner rather than later but due to exams there might be a bit of a gap.**

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Weight of What Was

Chapter 20-Last Minute Resistance

Amelia and Owen have a moment in which they both acknowledge the things that they could have done different, and Owen finally learns the truth about Amelia's son. Meredith tries to talk to Maya and Nathan comes out of Bailey's office to the news that his daughter has woken up.

Episodes Covered-13x16

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 ** _"_** ** _Hold tight your slowly coming back to life. I'll be keeping your head up, I'll be keeping your head up darling. Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight. I'll be keeping your head up"_** (Keeping Your Head Up-Birdy)

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Amelia took a deep breathe as she was coming out of the bathroom. She had spent some time after nature had called sat on the closed lid of the toilet with her head in her hands and her hands pressed firm against her face trying not to think. It was one of the things she missed the most about drugs and alcohol—the simple pleasure of turning off one's brain from the thoughts that continually swelled within it. She bit her bottom lip as she felt the door bang shut behind her. This was nothing compared to what she had been through she knew, she had lost her father, her fiancé, her son, her brother and had had most of that outed by some insipid woman who had taken her secrets and had spread them for public consumption. Privacy was something she had lost at fourteen when she had first gone to a house party and seen pills on the table next to the beer and the condoms.

She was not Maya Riggs's sponsor she thought sternly. She was not responsible for this girl's decisions, she did not need to carry that around on her—that was what anyone at her meeting would tell her. She couldn't drown in another person's issues because the guilt would become toxic. She had already done that and her sanity and her sobriety were both already hanging by a thread—she was not going to slip up, Amelia refused to slip up ever again.

She held her head high when she walked down the corridors ignoring the looks and the mutters. After all Amelia thought wryly, she had survived worst mutterings. At least the nurses were not gossiping about her this time. That had to mean something surely? Of course, they were gossiping about her sister or her almost sister and the fact that she had sent a teenager to surgery just by screaming at her. Weather or not they knew about the situation with Maya she didn't know and there was no guarantee that there would be any kind of time where she could put the record straight. Much as she had done when she had seen the whispers after the secret of her addition had come out, much like she had done when she had seen the whispers about her after Derek, Amelia Shepherd walked without thinking about where she was going and like most things in her life ended up in a place she had not intended to be with a person in her eyesight who she couldn't avoid but really didn't want to talk to.

And of course that person was her estranged husband Owen Hunt.

She wasn't sure if Owen had seen her. He was sat in the middle of a hallway one leg dangling off the edge of a stair and he was staring at the wall with a look that she had seen before when he had told her about his sister…it was also the look she remembered with a pang of hurt, that he had had on his face when he had come into the scrub room and told her that her brother was dead.

She took a seat next to him.

"She's awake" was all she said. Owen shot her a long look.

"She say anything?"

Amelia shook her head. "I left her with Meredith. She's not saying anything at least not to me. Riggs was pulled into Bailey's office as soon as he came out of surgery, something about operating on a baby, going against Alex's wishes as the Peds surgeon in charge and then ignoring Maggie—not that any of that is to be expected but Bailey's telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to take some time. She's probably gonna find you and tell you the same thing"

Owen nodded but Amelia was willing to bet that he had no idea what he had just said. She shook her head feeling the weight of what was happening come crashing down upon her. She had never seen Owen look like this before—not really—not even when she had told him that she didn't want children.

"You know I never thought this" he said finally. "I thought that maybe there was some sort of issue there—something to do with Meg but…but she's like her so much in some ways and I wasn't sure if I should press it and then she shouted out about that affair and I thought that was it. That was why she was so furious with me but this…this is a side effect of it all isn't it?"

Amelia nodded. She too had come to the same conclusion.

"She told me she'd suffered from bulimia in the past" she confessed. Owen turned to look at her. "She told me when Meredith and I were rowing and she took my side. She told me it had stopped, that she had learnt to control it, that it was an addiction. She sympathised with me and therefore I leaned on her a bit too much. And then…Owen I meant to keep an eye on her. I saw her after she told the hospital about your sister—she was convinced that Riggs would hate her and it was such a stresser that I thought I had to keep an eye on her the way Addison or Webber would keep an eye on me. But then there was the wedding and the…and our issues and I let it slide. And then Webber told me he'd seen her throwing up and he was going to do something about it as soon as he knew how to but then there was the Minnick situation and I don't know what happened but I guess we dropped the ball—no I dropped the ball and this is my fault"

"No it's not" Owen said simply. "Webber should have come to me or Riggs as soon as he knew this was happening but she's—Amelia she's like Meg, you don't know what that's like she is so like Megan. She keeps everything bottled up, she pretends she's doing just fine even when she's breaking. And I didn't think that she'd have war wounds like the rest of us. She grew up in a warzone, she lost her Mom over there and I…I didn't stick around to help, I screamed at Riggs, I blamed him and then I got myself out. I took my Mom out of that equation and blamed it on Riggs and I blamed her, this little six year old girl who had done nothing wrong simply because she reminded me too much of my sister. And I forgot about her, I erased Megan out of my life and I forgot about Maya and I got a job and I got married and I got divorced and shot at and lost friends and colleagues and I never once mentioned my niece or my sister. I never once considered she might be struggling. Even when she came here all I could see in those early days was someone defending Nathan to me. And I hated that, there were times I hated her. I hated that she wasn't enough for Megan to stay behind and raise and therefore she wouldn't have gotten on that chopper. I've thought of her as my enemy even though she's a sixteen year old girl with her fair share of problems. I did that. I lot of this is on me not you. I'm only now just realising it"

Amelia took that in and then had to bite down hard on her lip at the thought of Owen thinking his niece was his enemy, of what that must have been like for her husband who did adore that girl even though life in it's most painful and complicated way had always messed it up. She wanted to tell him that she understood, she had nine nieces and nephews outside of Derek's kids and she hadn't seen her mother in years. Nobody knew about—about—

"Do you want to know why I don't want kids?"

"I know you had a baby and it died you told me?" Owen pointed out and Amelia pretended that she didn't see him wipe his face half in shadow that it was on his sleeve.

"His name was Christopher" she said finally. "And…Owen I…the thought of a baby inside of me…of going to a scan and having to wait and see and then carrying it to term if something is wrong, constantly not knowing…I think it might kill me. To lose another child will kill me. I don't know how to be pregnant. I don't think I can be pregnant. It's not a question of wanting your child. I don't want a baby inside me. And…and I do understand a little bit no matter how twisted it is, you look at Maya and see your sister and all the waste that is there and Maya looks at you and sees the person who she wishes deep down was on that chopper and that's natural. She's not had a chance to talk about this with anyone. I know. I know what it's like to have a single parent, to go from having two parents to one overnight, I know that she's watched Nathan swallow down his grief and pretend that his heart is breaking just a little when it's come to birthdays and Christmas and school events, I know that she's had to go and find out things on her own like tampons and birth control because she doesn't even have an Addison. I know she's cried herself to sleep because she doesn't think she can cry in public and she's been mad and sad all at the same time. I took it out on my body, I took drugs and painkillers and more booze than I can remember and I screamed and shouted, Derek became a neurosurgeon and married a woman that was never right for him and adopted Mark as his brother overnight. Nancy slept her way through her residency, Liz married young to a man she knew for five minutes and Kathleen…well I haven't heard from Kathleen in years. Maya's took her emotions out on her body because her body is the one thing she can control. It's warped as hell but it's nobody's fault"

There was a pause as Owen took all that in. Admittedly it was a lot.

"She needs help" he said finally.

"She needs rehab" Amelia said firmly with the conviction of a woman who had been forced to go clean three times and only one of those times had involved rehab.

"She won't go" Owen predicted. "Nathan will try and force the issue"

"Then you get in that room and tell her it's ok to hit rock bottom. Get in that room and tell her that you will be here when she get's out and that your not going to run away from her again. You tell Nathan that. You say family is family and enough of the feuding. You put it behind you. Because if you don't Owen then I promise you that you are going to destroy this kid"

Owen was silent for a very long time but Amelia knew that she had gotten her point across. And that was all that mattered.

* * *

Meredith dithered by the hallway. She wasn't sure what to say but she remembered that when she had been in the hospital the one thing that had irritated her beyond belief was people lurking in the hospital watching her and gossiping. She turned and shot a death glare at the nurses behind her who quickly moved on and then she pushed open the door to Maya's hospital room and sat down next to the bed.

The girl was awake, her eyes were dull and her hair was limp against the pillows. She regarded Meredith with a look of complete disinterest but she didn't say anything. She looked as if she would never say anything again.

"Hello" Meredith said finally.

Maya looked at her.

"Is this payback?" she said finally. "I said awful things to you when you were in this bed. Are you going to do the same to me?"

There was something about her voice that was so pitiful that Meredith had to look away and work her jaw to keep herself from getting teary. She was not a woman to be overcome by a sentimental moment but she was a mother and she couldn't understand what had ever given Maya the impression that she was the kind of mother or woman who could do that—that there was anyone who could do that.

"No" she said finally. "You're a kid Maya. I knew then you didn't mean it" she could tell the kid that what had really freaked her was that she knew that one some level what she had been saying was not totally untrue. She had been unfair to Amelia regardless of Amelia's feelings towards her simply because Amelia had not been the Shepherd who had died. She couldn't tell her that waking up to see Maya standing over her after she had just been attacked had not been helpful either.

Maya nodded once and closed her eyes.

"Everyone knows? Dad knows? That I relapsed? That I have…this…?"

She twisted the sheets in her hand violently.

"Yeah" Meredith said flatly. She wasn't sure what else she had to say.

"Oh" Maya said her voice small.

And then without warning she turned her head to the side. Thankfully not her body or she would have ripped her stiches but Meredith was suddenly very aware that she had no clue what to do next. Being a doctor in this situation didn't help not for her. Not now.

She stood up and moved out of the room thinking that she should let Nathan know that his daughter was awake even if she wasn't talking when there was movement next to her and she saw the man himself.

"I just heard" he said looking as if he was going to the gallows.

Meredith nodded though she had no idea why.

"She's awake, she's err…she not talking…she's…Nathan what are you going to do?"

"I handled it before I can handle it again"

Meredith shook her head. "Nathan that's not gonna work and you know it. She's…she needs help, professional help"

But he was already pushing past her into the room and Meredith closed her eyes in a combination of despair and frustration and went off in search of a coffee and Maya's uncle who would have to understand that the time had come for his sixteen year old niece to hold up her hand and her head high and admit that there was something wrong and that she needed help.

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 **And there it is. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I will endeavour to update sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-Nathan makes little headway with Maya who finds an sympathetic ear in the last person she expected. Meanwhile Maggie returns to the hospital to see her mother though her boob job only to have her world blown apart.**


	21. Army Of One

**Hi, so here is another chapter, this one is perhaps the longest one that I have written for this story and takes place over two episodes. I attempted to get inside Maya's head and then Diane Peirce's who was played amazingly well and really should have had a longer arc than she did. The only way is up from now on and there are only ten more chapters of this story left.**

 **I have exams that are concluding and then work so hopefully I will be able to update this story a bit quicker than I have done so previously.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just this chapter and this main character.**

 **TRIGGER WARNINGS for Eating Disorders and some Suicidal Thoughts.**

 **Please Read and Review and let me know what you think. Feedback is welcomed.**

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Weight Of What Was

Chapter 21-Army Of One

Nathan makes little headway with Maya who finds a sympathetic ear in the last person that she expected. Meanwhile Maggie returns to the hospital to see her mother through her boob job only to have her world blown apart.

Episodes Covered-13x17-13x18

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 ** _"_** ** _Go ahead and laugh, even if it hurts. Go ahead and pull the pin, what if we could risk everything we have. And just let our walls cave in"_** (Atlas Heart—Sleeping At Last)

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It was clear that in the days that followed that Maya was shutting down completely. Owen took that in as he stared through the window. His niece had turned her whole head to the side of the window and was staring out at the grey skyline. She was barely listening as Bailey explained that her stiches would need healing but that her throat was raw with all the vomiting that she had been doing and that her weight was in the danger zone. Owen had listened to what his chief and his friend had told him but he was honestly still struggling to come to terms with what had happened in the last week and he had no idea how to process or even progress with Maya who was now refusing point blank to eat anything and was doing nothing but stare at the window like some sort of zombie.

Nathan had no idea what to do either. He had tried to talk to Maya but she was barely even moving her gaze never mind responding to her increasingly desperate father. In those days that followed this Owen did note that Meredith was everywhere with his friend, a coffee in her hand and he suspected a long list of take out menus and sound advice though even she was at a loss. They were surgeons, they weren't therapists and never before had Owen appreciated that. They didn't know what to do in situations like this or at least he didn't. Not with this case. Not with this girl. Not with Maya.

Nathan was sat in the Attendings Lounge when he came in. Meredith was sat next to him her hand on his arm and her fingers trailing across his hand. She flashed him a small smile and Owen tried to smile back but he was pretty sure that he was grimacing rather than smiling. Nathan had his head in his hands and the position was so much like the way he had come back from receiving his sisters personal effects and it had been his mother sat next to his friend while Maya was asleep and he had been trembling with anger and pain.

Now it was all different except it was Megan's daughter in the hospital bed and it was Megan who was lost to them and who he would never see again. He swallowed against that feeling and shifted a little in his seat trying to think of something to say that would not be stating the obvious.

"Bailey says the incisions are healing—that has to mean something."

Meredith nodded immediately latching onto the conversation. "They are" she said her voice echoing in the silent room. "No sign of infection ether so that's good."

"Yeah" Nathan said sitting up and looking more exhausted than Owen felt and that was saying something.

"Of course she now wont even bother to eat but at least her stiches are ok?"

Meredith shushed him slightly her fingers moving back up her hand and then the chime of her phone went off startling them all. She looked at it for a second and a frown creased her forehead. She gave nothing away but Owen had known Meredith Grey for nearly ten years and he knew when she was trying to hide something.

"What?" he asked finally. Was it wrong to hope for a mas car pile up? Owen could do with some blood and some gore in the mood he was in right now. He was in a mood to save someone from the brink of death. There was a pause where Meredith took in both of their expressions and then she sighed.

"It's Maggie" she said finally. "Her Mom's in the hospital for her boob job or whatever it is. Jackson's being really cagey about the whole thing considering it's something that he does nearly every week. He's been in with her for hours today and he wont say what's going on. And now she's asking me to come to the scan room." She put the phone down and turned to Nathan—Owen caught her eye and she shrugged at him, Owen didn't know weather or not she was going to go to her sister or not. The death of Lexie had left scars on Meredith when it came to her sister and she was not about to abandon Maggie now despite the fact that she liked Maya and Owen understood he really did.

The phone chimed again and again. Owen felt his teeth lock together, they needed to find a way to make Maya eat and the simple fact of it was that while he and Nathan might not be fighting each other anymore there was still a lot of shit to wade through and they weren't the best of friends. Not now. And the sad thing was not ever. How could you go through all of that pain and anger and disappointment and come back together.

(Carefully Owen did not think of Derek Shepherd or Mark Sloan and their friendship that he had been a part of through the good times and the very, very bad—thinking of those two hurt too much even on a good day—never had he thought he would be the last one standing)

"Go" Nathan said shortly. "She's only gonna come looking. Go Mer it's fine"

Meredith touched his cheek once and then went without another word.

"You and Meredith?" Owen asked as the door shut. Nathan looked at him. "She…we know where we stand with each other" he said finally. "We know. I know…she's buried the love of her life and I've lost what I once considered mine. I want to move on, I have to move on. And she's good—she get's Maya in a way I think. I think she understands her. At the very least Maya is looking at her"

Owen nodded hearing the words and understanding them. Finally.

"It's not that I don't love Megan" he said finally. Owen snapped his eyes to him. Nathan's eyes were still on the floor.

"It's not, it's just…I'm not in love with her anymore. Before. It was like loving a ghost, she was there and felt so guilty but now…now I see the damage that Megan did and—and Owen I know that Meg would hate what's happened to Maya but I'm angry at her because she must have known what would happen—making a child lie like that. I would have never asked Maya to lie for me. I faced my mistake and the consequences of it head on."

"Yes you did" Owen said finally because that was true. And he did understand why Nathan was angry with his sister even though it was unjustified. It was the same reason why sometimes he was angry with Maya. It didn't make sense but since when did feelings make sense? He had learnt that lesson the hard way when his first marriage was disintegrating and he was so desperately in love with Cristina and yet so mad at her he couldn't look at her. And he couldn't forgive (even though he missed her desperately) the full concentrated selfishness of his sister in that moment—not when he saw the consequences of her actions. It was hideous and painful and messy but it was what it was. For better or most likely for worse.

"I don't know what to do" Nathan said finally. Owen couldn't say anything because that was the truth wasn't it? He didn't know what to do either.

"I know" Owen said into the silence. "I don't know what to do either"

And the two of them remained there in the silence for quite some time.

* * *

It was Jackson that had caught up with her. Meredith had only gone and checked on Maggie—had in that moment learnt the truth—had given her some measure of comfort (at least as much as she could) and then she had to go and do her job.

It wasn't the same she thought to herself. It really wasn't. It wasn't like Lexie where it had been easy. There were times even though Maggie was blood where she found herself wishing for the other dark haired sister that she had, had, fought with, loved and grieved all in the space of four years which looking back had been some of the best years of her life.

But still it was Jackson that had caught up with her when she was giving a set of scans the once over. Meredith was still head of her department and she was painfully aware that she had to deal with the mass of paperwork that April had attempted to stab at but had only gotten halfway. Meredith was dreading the idea of returning back to her office to see the mounds of paperwork.

Jackson touched her on the back and then gestured with his head that she should follow him. Meredith followed him.

"Listen we got a problem with Maggie's mom"

Meredith personally thought that was an understatement but she didn't want to say anything. Jackson had done what any doctor would have done. Had it not been Maggie's mother then Meredith knew that they wouldn't be talking of this.

"She knows about the spat that Maggie and Maya had"

Meredith swore.

"Interns" she hissed. Jackson nodded looking contrite.

"To be fair I don't think that Cross knew who she was. I didn't tell them and…well you've met her. You just want to tell her everything and anything. Anyway she's desperate to see Maya"

"Why?"

"Says she has to speak to her. Says she wont go into surgery if she doesn't. Of course she's only told me this but if Maggie get's wind of it—" he trailed off but Meredith could see the picture and also the carnage that came with it.

Meredith ran a hand through her hair—well through her ponytail and then tugged on the end of it.

"Ok. I'll speak to Maya. If she—well I'll see what she thinks before I go to Nathan"

Jackson nodded obviously pleased with this plan and Meredith ducked down the familiar path to the room where she had even subconsciously been walking by despite the fact that nothing had changed.

Maya was still lying on the bed—her head was still turned to the window.

"Look" Meredith said deciding that there was no point in beating around the bush. "Maggie's mother is here. She has advanced breast cancer. She has a surgery booked but there's a very good chance she wont make it off the table—and more to the point Maggie's only just found out about it. But it gets worse believe it or not. She heard about the…conversation the two of you had. And she wants to speak to you"

There was a long pause. Meredith sighed again feeling older than she had one in a long time. She moved towards the door and her hand was on the doorknob when a voice spoke into the silence.

"Why?"

She whirled around keenly aware that it was the first time that she had heard Maya speak in days.

Maya was watching her. Her dark eyes were on Meredith's face.

"She wants to apologise. For Maggie's behaviour"

Maya's jaw worked for a second.

"Does she know?"

"She knows about your…about your issues yes" Meredith finished lamely. Maya nodded but didn't say anything for a second.

"Alright then"

"It might be that she shares a room with you" Meredith warned. "I've met her and she's…formidable"

Maya raised an eyebrow—it was the first time she had shown any emotion in days.

"Don't you know by now Meredith, I can be formidable too"

* * *

Diane Pierce was not in a mood in which to be messed with. Maggie was refusing to speak to her, her surgeon had all but forced her to tell her daughter her secret, Meredith Grey was a painful reminder of the other woman in Maggie's life and then some intern had told her all about Maya Riggs.

Of course Diane had been torn between fury and misery. She was furious at Maggie for snapping and then furious at Maya Riggs for goading her. And yet she was painfully aware that there was something wrong with the girl, she was aware that her mother was dead (oh she had got that story out of the intern) and that the girl blamed herself for her mother's infidelity and Diane wanted nothing to do but to shake the girl and then hug her despite the fact that she had never met her.

She did feel rather stupid bringing milk and cookies but she figured if she could get the girl to eat something then that had to be a plus as well.

She knocked on the door and then stepped in with her suitcase. There was a spare bed here and she wasn't one to make a pain of herself.

"Good morning Maya. My name is Diane Pierce. I'm taking the bed by the window"

The thing that had once been a human girl under the covers didn't stir and then it did shifting slightly. Diane was painfully reminded of a startled animal and saw two dark eyes peering out from under the white blankets.

"I know. I know you want your privacy. But I don't have the time to deal with the solitude. Had enough of that when I went to the temple in Thailand last spring. Wonderful weather. Either way, I could do with a bit of company"

And with that she unpacked her things.

When she turned around the head and the torso was sticking out of the bed and Diane had to hold back the urge to wrap both her arms around this kid and feed her, her several portions of her grandmother's beef stew. The kid was all but skin and bones. She had the look of a girl who had seen and been through so much it was like she didn't want to rise again.

"Oh sweetheart" she said reaching out but the girl shifted back like she had been wounded still watching her as if she expected Diane to yell at her.

"If your going to scream at me do it now"

Diane heard the threat and the pain and the quiver in the voice and sat down on the bed.

"Oh girl I'm not going to do that. Life's too short…well…clearly otherwise we wouldn't both be stuck in here"

Maya shot her a look and then shifted a little so she was sat up which Diane supposed was a start.

"What then?" she said flatly.

"I wanted to apologise for my daughter" she said honestly. "I didn't raise Maggie to scream at you in a hallway even though I hear you gave as good as you got. And don't think it's just you. I baked April Kepner a batch of cookies as well"

Maya's eyes drifted to the batch and then back again. Too quickly Diane thought.

"You hungry?"

"Did my Dad send you in to get me to eat?"

"No. But I got a transcript of the story. Suffice to say I know you've had it rough"

The girl suddenly looked away and blinked rapidly and Diane felt her heart crack a little. She was suddenly highly aware that this kid had never had a mother since she was six and she was not the type of girl to be bowled over by a sentimental moment. She had forced herself not to grieve for whatever reason and that had been what had led them to this painful moment right now with her looking at a kid that was broken and damaged and yet beautiful in her own way.

"It was not your fault" she said finally into the silence of the room.

"What happened to your mother was not your fault"

"I know that" came the strangled scream.

"And it was not your responsibility to hide that affair" she said sternly.

Maya did turn then her whole body moving and wincing as she shifted so she was sitting in front of Diane her legs crossed. Diane took in the greasy hair and the pale pallor of her face and the way she was wincing and clutching her stomach and her cheekbones which were prominent in her face.

"It was" she said finally. "She asked me to hide it. She told me that if I told my Dad then he would leave and in his profession that could mean death—she told me it would be my fault and that I would be responsible for the breaking up of my family. That I would lose my Uncle and my grandmother. I did didn't i? and I told him about the affair and he's not been able to look at me since. I'm not mad I know these things. I disgust myself. The one thing that I was asked to do and I couldn't even do that right. So I do this. It's easier than crying—and I have some control over myself. I don't deserve it, you don't know…I…" she shook her head.

"I need to do this. Because if I don't stop then—" She trailed off and then she shook her head and Diane knew without even asking that Maya was terrified of what she would do if she opened that box deep down inside of her and actually grieved for the woman who was not dead but probably was. And her heart broke for her. For the idea of her. And at the same time Diane wanted to wrap both her hands around Megan Hunts neck and shake the silly girl until she was gasping because that was not how you treat children.

She didn't know if it would be received but Diane had known going into this treatment that there was a very good chance that it would end badly and she was first and foremost a mother and there was no way that she could sit here and let that girl think that all of this was her fault and so she moved so that she was sitting on the bed. She wrapped an arm around the stone like thin shoulders and pulled the girl so that her head was at her neck.

For a second Maya Riggs didn't respond and then like she had been waiting for the last moment to break she did, Diane could feel the tears and the shakes but she didn't say anything. She just let the girl weep until she was done and pulled back wiping her eyes and then she forced herself to let go. Maya didn't say anything for a long time her hair covering her face and then she spoke again finally.

"I don't expect you to understand me. I don't understand me. I don't understand this thing inside of me that makes me want to do it."

"The best thing to do is to grieve. Let yourself feel for a change honey instead of bottling it all away and taking it out on yourself in silence"

There was a long pause again.

"You don't understand."

"I think I do. You think that by getting on with life it's being disloyal to a woman who quite frankly but herself before her child. You think you did something wrong and you didn't. You showed a remarkable loyalty getting to this point. But the time has come for you to let go of that anger and that hurt and that hate and focus on building a life for yourself. There is no shame in that—And" she said turning to the matter in hand.

"You can start by eating"

And with that she passed the girl a cookie. Maya took it and then bit into it a small tiny nibble before a bigger bite and sooner than Diane had hoped she had ate the whole thing and then another.

It was not a perfect solution but Diane felt like she had contributed to something towards the mess and that—that had to mean something.

* * *

Nathan got the news just as Owen did and the two of them crashed into the same hallway together.

"They put Maggie's mother in the same room as Maya?" Owen said finally just to clarify what he thought was a terrible scenario. Nathan nodded not saying anything but he was staring at the window. Owen followed his gaze and felt his eyebrows rise to the top of his head.

There was Maya sat on the bed next to a woman who must have been Maggie's mother and the two of them were _talking_.

More than that his niece was _laughing_.

What the?

Nathan opened the door but didn't go too far into the room.

"Hey Dad" Maya said finally smiling a soft and small smile. "Mrs Peirce has been telling me about her stay in Italy"

"Diane" the older woman said over what looked like knitting. "Honey I've told you I've come too far to be spoken too like I'm ancient. And this must be your father and your uncle" she held out her hand and beckoned them into the room. "Well your no good out there in the hallway and I was coming to the best bit—"

Feeling utterly bewildered at this U-Turn Owen sat on the bed. He felt mystified. He knew his friend felt much the same.

* * *

Two nights later they went to dinner. Two nights later Nathan got the phone call from Meredith that Diane Pierce was worse and the day after that he walked into the Attending's Lounge to see the two sisters in a blazing row in which Maggie told everyone that Meredith had tipped her mother down the OR Sink.

Filing that away for a moment when he truly had time to evaluate it, he crossed the room to what he thought might be his girlfriend (in an unlabelled, undefined kind of way).

"What can I do?"

Meredith looked at him her eyes unseeing. "Nothing" she said flatly walking away.

Nathan sighed. He had heard about the decline of Ellis Grey like any other surgeon who had recognised the ground she had covered. He had been overseas when she had died but he had remembered the tone throughout the camp surgeons especially Teddy and Meg who had both hailed her as the pioneer for female surgeons. He had not known that her daughter had shoved her ashes down the same OR he had scrubbed in, several times. Actually the thought made him shudder—it was one of the things that he had no idea how to handle—and he did not want to know about it either.

He had seen the scans with Diane Peirce's name written on it and he knew well enough to know that this was not a retractable surgery or tumour. Sometimes as hard as it was to admit it you had to know that the cancer had won. This was one of those times.

But more importantly he was worried about what effect this would have on his daughter. She had become close to the woman in the following days, she was eating, she was talking, she was slowly coming out of the fog that she had been in for who knew how long and Nathan was terrified the death that everyone but Maggie knew was inevitable would set her back again. He wanted to go and speak to her but the reality was he had no idea what he would say. What he could say to a woman he hardly knew who had done what he had not been able too.

But the reality was Diane Peirce was dying and Maya who was not a fucking idiot would know and then they that was another person who through no fault of their own had left his daughter alone and locked in her head—a place Nathan had no idea how to get inside.

* * *

Maya had known this was coming. She had known this was coming deep down but the death of her friend, of one of the few friends she had, had been a shock. When Richard had come to get her that smile on her face she had all but seized up their on the bed. He smiled at her but the smile was brittle and she knew that after a month of only seeing Diane when she was out of treatment meant that she was near the end.

Maggie was not there thank God when Maya slid inside the door. Diane was sat up her face wan and pale and clammy.

"Sweetheart sit down. I've got something to say to you and not a lot of time to say it"

Maya sat down her legs folding under her and her eyes wide.

"What?" she said finally though it took her a second to get past the word, to get it out of her throat that was suddenly choked and dry.

"I want you to promise me something"

There was a pause. Maya did not say anything because she was unsure weather or not she could say anything in that moment. She did not weep. She was not a woman who cried, she had never been a girl who had cried. Crying was not something she did.

"What" she said finally.

"Live. Live. Get better and live. Life Maya…it's so very beautiful. It's messy and it's painful but it's so good and so short. There's never enough time. And my time is ending but yours…well you got your whole life ahead of you. You didn't kill your mother, you did more for her than anyone in that damn room, and you don't deserve to punish yourself any longer. Hate it's poison, it's like dry rot and it will stifle you until you choke. Forgive your mother her mistakes, forgive yourself, forgive and live"

Maya realised her face was wet but didn't wash off the tears.

There was a knock at the door.

Richard again.

"Thanks" she said though she meant it—it wasn't what she had wanted to say.

Diane however seemed to understand.

She walked out of the room and down the hallway in silence. She passed Maggie on the way and guessed that the woman knew what was coming. She didn't say anything and Maggie thank God didn't say anything to her. There wasn't much point anymore. There wasn't much point now in fighting. There was no point whatsoever. So she went back to her hospital room sat in her old leggings and jumper with her head on her knees staring out of the window and forcing herself not to notice that her stiches were becoming increasingly uncomfortable due to the position. She thought about what the woman had said. What she was right about and what she was wrong about and more to the point for the first time in a time longer than she cared to count Maya let herself think freely and openly about her mother and about the emotions that she knew she had been supressing for a very long time. The rain continued to patter against the window. And Maya continued to think and feel.

And that was where she was still when Meredith came and told her that Diane Pierce had died.

* * *

Meredith had lingered by the doorway hoping…well she didn't know but she was hoping against anything that prevented her from going back into that room with Maggie. Her own mother had died and it had been clinical for her. Ellis had been a better surgeon that a mother though she had tried her best but there was little love between them by the time she had died. It had been chipped away by the disease and the knowledge that one thing had always meant more. And she had been drowning that day. She had been drowning emotionally and literally. Her grief for Derek was something that even now was so raw and powerful that she couldn't tap into without imploding. Her grief for Lexie was still there a dull throbbing ache. But she had never hurt for Ellis, had never felt the soul crushing grief a daughter feels when her mother dies.

Not the way Maggie was feeling right now. It was both curious and painful to watch. Like she had been denied something all these years. Diane had mothered her in a way her own mother never had and Meredith had three kids herself. It was strange. It was painful even to her—and she had already put in quite enough into her pain metre for this life.

"She's dead?" Maya asked without turning her head.

"Yes" Meredith said not sure what to say. "It was peaceful" she said finally though that didn't mean much she supposed. She was not good at this. Even after all her years as a doctor she was not good at this.

Maya didn't say anything for a long time and Meredith turned to leave feeling like she was intruding again when the younger girl stopped her.

"Meredith?"

"Yeah Maya?"

Maya turned to look at her then and it was with a look etched on her face that Meredith had never seen before that she said the words too.

"I need you to go and find my Dad. I need you to go and find him and tell him that I am ready to go to rehab"

* * *

 **And there you have it, I hope you enjoy.**

 **Next Chapter-Maya head to rehab. Maggie heads to work. Meredith worries about both Maggie and Nathan and Nathan himself tries to keep his head above water as it seems that Owen is not doing as well as he is pretending to be. **


	22. Buckle Up

**Hi, so here is another chapter. I apologise for the lateness of this chapter but exams and then that slow creep towards results have been draining. However here is the next chapter and hopefully I will be able to update sooner rather than later.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **I am drawing on what I know about rehab here but I do know it might not be correct so therefore any inaccuracies I do apologise.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **TRIGGER WARNINGS-Eating Disorders and Rehab mentions so if it triggers anyone then please stop now.**

 **And this chapter and the next do spread out over some episodes.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 22-Buckle Up

Maya heads to rehab. Maggie heads to work. Meredith worries about both Maggie and Nathan and Nathan himself tries to keep his head above water as it seems apparent that Owen is not doing as well as he is pretending to be.

Episodes Covered-13x19-13x20

* * *

 **"** **Walking out into the dark. Cutting out a different path, lead by a beating heart. All the people of the town. Cast their eyes right to the ground. In the matter of the heart."** (Laura Palmer-Bastille)

* * *

Maya had been in rehab for two weeks before Nathan got a chance to see her again. The facility recommended visits after some time and in all honesty he wasn't sure what to expect. He had thought about asking Owen to come with him but it always seemed like it was two steps forwards and three steps back when it came to his ex-best friend and once upon a time possible brother in law. Evelyn had been easier to deal with by far because Evelyn had been a nurse and a mother and certainly more of a mother to him than his own. He had told her both about Maya and then the reasons behind it and all she had done was sweep him into a hug which was perhaps the reason why he had broken down in her arms and sobbed like he had done in private when they had told him they were calling off the search for Meghan.

The rehab place had been nice and had certainly come recommended. It had also not been cheap and there had to be something in the fact that if they were making him pay then they must be good. Maya was in a room by herself and she had looked…small…when he had left her there curled up against the white sheets of the bed looking older than she had done in a while. He had wanted to go back there and then and he wanted nothing more to do than to take his daughter back with him convinced (despite evidence to the contrary) that he could look after her.

There had been times when he had gone back to Jordan and other medical bases around the world and he had struggled to leave his daughter there with friends or with someone else. If they hadn't have rang him the last time then he wouldn't have gone. But heart surgeons were in short supply in various places in the world especially ones who knew what they were doing and a part of him had always wondered weather or not it was best to give his viciously independent daughter some time to herself. He had never been one of those parents who had wanted to wrap their child up in bubble wrap. His own parents had never done that. Neither had Evelyn who had for the longest time been the closest thing to a mother that he had had.

It was Evelyn who had come with him today. Meredith had also taken the morning off. They were now at the hand holding stage of their relationship and both she and Nathan acknowledged that it was only the presence of Maggie—her crush and her position as Nathan's boss—not to mention previous events had made their relationship complicated somewhat. And while he had returned back to work Maggie had not. Repairing their relationship was not something he had given thought to if he was being honest with himself. He acknowledged that it was probably her mother that had seen Maya admit that she needed help but at the same time he did wonder weather or not there was a way back…even professionally.

Meredith was sat next to him at the small table where Maya was supposed to meet them. The whole thing looked better than what Nathan had expected though as Meredith had pointed out he had hardly chosen a prison. Rehab was that, rehab. And he didn't look like he was the only worried parent here. In fact there were more than a few.

"I hate this disease" he said finally. Meredith next to him turned and ran a hand down his arm. To anyone else in the room they probably looked like parents waiting on their child. He wondered how Meredith thought of it. He didn't want to think about that right now.

The doors opened and out came the residents. Maya came out looking tired and thin and yet she didn't seem to resist anything, she didn't seem to be prepared to fight in the way, the stance of always on the alert that she had been in for so long had gone away and when she sat down Nathan could catalogue the changes in her including the somewhat diminishing of the dark circles under her eyes and the fact that her hands had stopped trembling.

"Hello" she said sitting down and accepting both his and (much to his surprise) Meredith's hugs.

"Hello" he said back guardedly.

"Are you liking it here?" Meredith asked her head turning to look around at the other residents.

"It's ok" Maya said finally as if weighing up each word. "I have group therapy which sucked at first and I still don't want to share all that much and then I have individual therapy with Amanda whose my therapist. Everyone here's suffered something—to be honest I think I might be one of the luckier ones. Not that that means anything but…I dunno, I've been doing a lot of talking about Mom and what it was and what it meant and I think I did ok, I mean—nobody thinks that I'm crazy here so that's got to be something. Apparently it's all connected—the eating disorder and Mom. All of the secrets and all of the lies. That's a big part of it. I don't want to tell another big lie or keep another big lie like that again, I have to put myself first and not the memory of Mom. That's what Amanda told me anyway and I think it's sage advice."

Maya looked him squarely in the eye and when she spoke Nathan noted it was almost like she had a strange new power keeping her back straight—as if during the two weeks that she had been in rehab she had finally put to bed the ghosts of the past that had been dragging her down during all of those years where he had been too absent or too involved or just too ignorant to see what was going on.

"I am not responsible for what happened back then. And I shouldn't feel like I am. So…it's strange Dad, it was like once I heard that I could wake up and breathe again. I really don't know how to describe it. I think I just had to get to the point where I was presented with no other choice but to accept that it wasn't my fault. And then I did. It was like what I had known and what I believed had fought against each other for so long and one won. If that makes sense. There's a lot to go through—I mean I'm not saying it's all sunshine and roses but it's better."

None of that did make sense but the words did resonate. Nathan shot a look at Meredith who picked up the prompt beautifully. "So did you make any friends here yet?" she asked quietly. Maya turned her head her hair falling over her shoulder, she brushed it back. It needed a cut Nathan nodded because it really was getting too long and unkempt. Like Meghan's had been when she had been overseas and during those stolen hours together she would moan like sin about having the damn red mess cut off and Nathan would laugh and bury his hair in it and tell her she was stupid. The whole thing was stupid.

It had been easier in those days though hadn't it?

"I…well…there's a girl whose room is across the hallway from mine. Her name is Jenny. She seems nice. She's been suffering from this longer than I have. We've chatted a couple of times when it comes to dinner. It's easy to chat when you eat…makes you forget what your doing if you get what you mean and there's a boy who likes the same books I do. His name is Nick. That's it. I haven't purged in nearly a week and that's progress. Doesn't mean it's not hard. But…but it's something I suppose."

There was another long pause as both Nathan and Meredith took in that. It didn't seem possible that Maya was on the mend even to him the turn around was too much but perhaps…perhaps he should let himself begin to hope.

Meredith squeezed his hand under the table.

* * *

A shared trauma after the whole Cardio case with a good friend and her husband dependant on him to safe the baby saw Meredith and Owen in another surgery. A couple of kids had been joyriding and the car had flipped over as they had skidded across the pavement, and while one had come out of the with little to no injuries (and a hell of a lot of shock) the other passenger had, had her legs and her stomach scraped raw.

Far from telling him that he had not to worry about her sister and the surgery (Owen suspected that Meredith who had known him too long knew not to prod him when he had a scalpel in his hands had not brought up the fact that Maggie had both frozen and then had a revelation while a baby was on the table) Meredith had continued to work away until the end of the surgery and then had followed him out of the hospital till he got to the ambulance bay and then she continued to watch him with those eyes that seemed to see more than his did and he couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

"I saw Maya" she said finally. "I saw Nathan and Maya…she seems to be improving but…I don't know if he believes it"

"Do you?"

"I think…I think she's better than she was before certainly. But you know that these things take time. And to be honest you would know better than I would. You've been there before. I haven't."

"If you are referring to Cristina then—"

"No Owen I'm referring to the other time that you were in therapy. Maya needs someone to tell her It's ok. I don't think Nathan ever went to therapy which in hindsight might have been a bit of a bad idea when you come to think of it"

Owen paused. He couldn't speak for a second because the reality was that he was still struggling with his own issues not to mention the fact that he had not been what one would call a 'Good Uncle'. Right now it was one of his bitter regrets. But something else was pressing at his mind.

"Are you and Nathan together?"

Meredith looked at him for a second and Owen could feel the whole weight of the years that they had worked together in that look. He could see the resident that defended her friend and the mother who had lost her daughter and regained her and then gave birth to a son, he could see the woman who had stood in front of a gunman and had begged him to shoot her and the woman who had stared out of the window as she had been told that her sister and then later on repeatedly that her husband was dead.

"Yes" she said finally. "I haven't told Maggie…I haven't told my children yet, never mind Amelia though I think she knows, I don't know how much Maya knows but yes I am with Nathan"

"Do you love him?"

Meredith shot him a withering look.

"Come on Owen you know me better than that. I'm Derek's…and he get's it. And I don't know weather or not he's Meghan's but I do like him…a lot…it's easy with him, it's comfortable. I do like him, I can see myself being with him for a while. It's not the same don't get me wrong, I suspect I will live and die as Derek Shepherd's, wife because I've had my husband but he gets that"

Owen nodded seeing the picture she was painting and yet not understanding it. There was a moment where he felt sympathy for Nathan because he suspected that there were only three people who had come close to understanding Meredith Grey, Cristina was in Switzerland, Alex Karev was upstairs and had enough to deal with and Derek was dead. There was a long pause as he breathed in the air and thought about the last decade where he had been so consumed by hatred for things that were outside of his control. So much time had been wasted, with Beth, with Teddy and Cristina and with Amelia not to mention his mother and Maya, his niece—the last living thing that he had to connect him to his sister.

"How do you remember Lexie?" he asked finally.

Meredith closed her eyes for a second and then opened them again. Owen winced under his breathe. He had forgotten that Lexie was still raw in a way especially since Maggie. He remembered the intern with a great deal of fondness and sadness that she had gone. Lexie had been one of the good residents that had one hell of a career of Neurosurgery.

"I remember her as she lived" Meredith said finally. "I remember her as the intern that had taken Mark Sloan and seduced him. I remember her as the girl who took a lot of crap from me because I couldn't accept who she was and what she represented—you weren't there for that. But I loved her, I love her still, and I don't think about her under the plane…and you shouldn't think about Meghan like that. Think of her as she's alive"

There was a long pause as Owen swallowed down the pain of a lot of losses.

"Do you know when I was attacked last year" Meredith said suddenly. "Richard said something interesting to me. it was during the time that I was furious with Amelia and yet didn't know why. The problem was that she reminded me of Derek. And Richard knew that—you know he's always been smarter than most of us but—he told me to forgive her, for being enough but not being the same. For adding pain to pain. Because she's Derek's sister, his baby, his protegee and yet she's not Derek. She doesn't soothe the wound. And that made me furious with her. For living. She overdosed and she lived, she survived two more relapses and Derek who survived a shooting, a plane crash and a long time with me didn't survive a car accident. It made me so mad I couldn't stand to look at her. Now look me in the eye and tell me that all I have just said has not resonated with how you feel about Maya. She reminds you of Meghan. But yet she's not…and that's pain upon pain, upon pain"

Owen watched her for a long heartbeat.

"I loathe you sometimes" he said with a small smile.

"I know." Meredith said with an intense amount of smugness. "Now go and see your niece while I find a way to break it to my sister that I am dating her boss and the guy she wanted to sleep with in the first place"

"I have a service—"

"You have Kepner, whose brilliant and you have interns who are not but some do have promise…and you have residents. Cross is your next surgeon and you know it"

Owen swore but didn't disagree.

"Go" Meredith said finally. "Go. Seriously Owen time is too short, one thing working around this place should tell you about this is that life it far too short."

There was a long pause where he stood there and then he made the decision.

* * *

Maya was reading her arms curled around her knees when Owen came in. She looked up and he was again forced to acknowledge that she was so like his sister. But Meredith was right, he had to forgive this kid nothing more than who her mother was—there was no way either one of them could move forward—and they had to move forwards.

"Can we talk?" he asked feeling rather stupid but knowing that he had to progress regardless.

"Honestly?" he said shifting one foot from another and then when Maya nodded he sat down on the bed where she was spending. He didn't have long—there was a curfew and knowing his look there was a chance that he wouldn't make it through this conversation.

"Ok" Maya said finally putting down her book and then turning to sit on the bed watching him. Owen swallowed down both the pain and the image of the woman that the girl in front of him reminded him off. Substituted the brown hair for the red hair and then it would be Meghan that he was having a conversation with.

"Ok then" he said finally.

And then he began to talk.

The only way from here had to be better didn't it?

Oh how Owen hoped so.

* * *

 **And there it is. Hope you enjoyed it. I will try and update soon.**

 **Next Chapter-Meredith and Nathan are invited on a conference. By some cruel twist of fate Maya is forced to come along as well and as the plane hits turbulence the three of them are forced into a situation in which their lives (and their relationships) might never be the same. **


	23. They All Bow Down

**Hi, so here is another chapter and i am thrilled to have this published so soon after the last one. The next chapter following this one will be the last of Season 13 and there is a lot going on so I hope you enjoy.**

 **Certain things were changed in this chapter for me including the conference that Meredith and Riggs were going on, I changed it to a surgery and the couple with the brain bleed had a son. All of which is my own twist on the storyline which I hope you enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Trigger Warnings for eating disorders, brain injuries and plane related crashes and injuries.**

 **Please Read and Review and let me know what you think.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 23-They All Bow Down

Meredith and Nathan are invited on a conference. By some cruel twist of fate Maya is forced to come along as well and as the plane hits turbulence the three of them are forced into a situation in which their lives…and their relationships might never be the same again. Some changes to the actual episode.

Episodes Covered-13x21

* * *

 **"** **Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars."** (B.O.B, featuring Haley Williams)

* * *

The consult had come at the last minute and had it not been a child and a child in need of medical assistance to boot then Nathan would not have taken it. But there was still medical curiosity (there always was when it came to this job) and a part of him that wanted to go back to holding the knife in his hand again (so to speak). He wanted to get back to working with people. Working on people…and if he could get out of the hospital where everything was still painfully raw and strained then he would take that.

The problem was Maya.

Meredith was also consulting with him and her answer was very straightforward when Nathan told her that perhaps it was best she take Alex and Maggie along with her. Alex was consulting but the hospital had had a good paediatric surgeon and therefore had not needed him on the flight. They had needed a General and a Cardio surgeon and Meredith was the best in this state and he had quite a few accolades to his name—thank you very much.

But when he had told Meredith that perhaps it was best for him to stay behind she had flattened him with a look that had made him pause.

"Bring her with you. Look—" she said when Nathan showed every sign of interrupting. "I know it's not the best but she'll ride rings around Owen, Amelia's still sleeping on my couch and I don't know what's happening there but…look we both know that the best way to keep an eye on Maya is to take her with us. It will be too days and I'm sure the hospital wont mind it. It's only Boston…how much trouble can Maya get into there—hey—you could stay an extra day and take her around the colleges. Harvard's got a great medical program"

"You get Maya's nearly a two years away from choosing a college right?"

Meredith shot him a look. "Like you didn't know where you were going when you were Maya's age. I didn't even know if I was going to Med School but I knew I was going to Dartmouth. Don't pretend you were any different just because you finished residency in the Army."

He broached the subject to Maya that evening. She was out of the rehab centre but she was still not back in school. Seeing as the term ended in two weeks there was not much she could do anyway. Somehow she had sat her finals before her collapse and gotten good marks on them (not the best but decent enough that she didn't have resit) and now she was home she seemed to be doing better. Nathan was not sure however—Maya was eating even if it was in smaller portions than he would have liked. Even though it was clear at times that she wanted too she was not running off to the bathroom as soon as she ate and she was eating a mixture of small things during the day again. Owen had been coming around more frequently and it was easier when Owen was there because he would talk about work and Maya would listen including one day where he had reported that the baby that Maggie had insisted she work on was going to be discharged cancer free. Maya had asked him a couple of questions and it was clear that the girl that had been gutted again and again was still under there somewhere. Which was a good sign he supposed.

Didn't stop him from wondering when the other shoe was going to drop. He had a feeling he would be wondering about that for a very long time to come. Maya had apologised for what she had put him through and though Nathan had known deep down it wasn't her fault entirely he had still be gratified. Either way both of them knew that the trust between them while not gone had taken a significant hit and Nathan suspected that that was why she didn't complain when he told her in no uncertain terms that he was going to Boston for a case with Meredith Grey and he wanted her to come with him.

As it turns out they didn't even get to Boston. At least not on the right timescale as when they got on the plane sat together in rows of three ("Couldn't we have just used the Harper Avery Foundation Private Jet?" Maya had complained at the time) an half an hour after they had taken off they were hit with some turbulence. It died down as soon as it had started but by then the mood of the journey was ruined and even though Maya had opened her book and was reading her fingernails were gripping the knee of her jeans so much so that the fabric looking in danger of ripping.

"You know I'm sure the pilot knows what there doing" Meredith said gently catching Nathan's eye.

"I know" Maya said finally not looking up from her book. "I just don't like flying all that much. And I don't like airline food. So don't take it as a bad sign if I don't eat on the plane. If you have time we can grab something when we get off. I know the two of you don't want to leave me alone with food"

Nathan opened his mouth perhaps to tell his daughter that that was a lie and then closed it again because the truth of the matter was that it wasn't and Maya knew it. He shot Meredith a look who nodded. They didn't have to be at the hospital until the next morning. If all went smoothly, they had time to grab a decent mouthful of something to eat at the hotel.

* * *

For some reason both her father and Meredith had gone off somewhere—though on a plane that narrowed it down somewhat and Maya put down her book finding herself in need of the bathroom. She edged around the sleeping bodies and came across a man and what was clearly his son waiting at the bathroom door. The man looked nothing like his son but the tone of a parent telling their child off was something that Maya was used to…he was the same age as her with a shock of blonde hair and blue eyes and his patient but somewhat annoyed "Yes Dad" was something that she was used too as well.

The boy—there had to be months between their ages really turned to look at her and Maya who was trying not to pay attention was scanning the plane for her father.

"You ok babe?"

The man shot his son a look and Maya couldn't help but laugh.

"Babe? That's what your going with?"

The boy shrugged. Maya couldn't help but laugh and then a reckless kind of confidence hit her and she held out her hand.

"Maya"

"Calvin"

"Like the underwear?"

"Hey don't blame me. Blame the two father's who liked the campaign"

Maya laughed.

"So you from Seattle?"

"Yeah…Pops has a business trip and I wanted to go and see some of the sights. So I bunked you?"

Maya paused.

"Pretty much the same. My Dad's somewhere on this plane with his…girlfriend. Kinda trying to find him"

At that moment the door to the bathroom opened. Meredith came out. She caught one look at Maya and went red in the face.

"Hey have you seen Dad?"

At that exact moment the door of the same bathroom opened and her father came out running a hand through his hair. Maya looked at him looked to Meredith, looked to Calvin who was suddenly grinning and then—

"Oh for the love of—"

"Maya" That was her Dad's warning tone.

"Hey at least he's cute" Calvin's dad said to Meredith at which point the blonde boy made a disgusted sound.

"Hey look" he said tuning to Maya. "I'm in row 32. If you wanna grab a coke and lament at what we ended up with come join me"

"Excuse me?" her Dad and Calvin's dad said in much the same tone, but Maya was beyond caring because she had just interrupted her father and his girlfriend in a mile high hook up well…ugh…

Eventually she went for that coke. She was sat in the empty seat chatting about everything and anything while Calvin who was sweet (she supposed—it was not like Maya had ever had a boyfriend before) listened. He too was supposed to be looking at colleges and he like biology which was something Maya supposed. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know more doctors though. She had seen enough surgeons for her lifetime. Didn't help that her father kept twisting in his seat to send her looks as if he was waiting for the time where he could pounce. Honestly…as if Maya was going to do something as embarrassing as joining the Mile High club.

She had just turned to see if she could get a flight attendants attention—because she really wanted another coke when the first rush of turbulence hit. She forced herself to sit back on the empty seat that wasn't hers and strap herself in like she was being told but the second rush hit her and she found that she being thrown upwards in her seat. Things fell out of the compartments ahead and she found herself slipping slightly down in her seat as she controlled the urge to vomit. She could have almost laughed at how many times she had done that in the past. As she was about to close her eyes she saw as Calvin's father (who had not put his seatbelt on) went flying up hitting the luggage rack with the whole force of his body as he fell down. His head rolled back and he didn't move.

"No!" Maya yelled over Calvin's cry. "Wait till it stops"

And then just as she said it the plane stopped.

There was a split second of pause and then Calvin ignoring his other father slid to his knees next to his father and Maya followed suit. She had seen enough head injuries in her time to know when one looked serious and when it was something that could be fixed when they got safely on the ground (she refused to think of if).

It didn't look good to her. And she was not a surgeon.

"Maya?

That was her Dad. Maya paused her hands dithering across the blood that was seeping out of the unconscious man's head before she decided to place her hands on it. Blood seeping out of brain was not a good sign.

"Dad" she said finally and then he was there. He took one look at what was going on and then his hands were there pushing hers aside and probing around muttering to himself. Maya watched him and then a second later Meredith was there her face as white as chalk.

"Kid in the front needs stiches but there's a dentist who did residency doing that. Flight attendants dislocated her wrist. Couple of cuts and bruises and a few people shaken up but nothing major so far. What is it a brain bleed?"

"Could be. Not sure. It's been a long time since I've done this. There's blood coming out of the cut and he's hit his head pretty hard, he's disoriented. Hey kid does your Dad take any medication?"

"Blood thinners" Calvin's other dad said.

Meredith and her Dad exchanged a look and Meredith knew that it was not good.

"Ok. Calvin right?" her Dad said and Calvin nodded. "You and your Dad keep a close watch on your other dad for me ok? You notice anything you come and get me."

He dragged Maya off into the corner. "Your knee's bleeding" Maya looked down and saw blood seeping through her jeans. The knee was ripped. It must have happened when she hit the floor.

"I think it's ok" she said finally. "Wicked carpet burn however. Why is the fact that Calvin's dad is on blood thinners a bad thing?"

"Cause if he has a brain bleed then it's not going to stop. Blood thinners stop the blood from clotting. Trust me I'll be a lot happier when we land. Mer's gone to find out when that is because if he starts seizing and we have to do surgery on a goddamn plane then…" he stopped speaking but Maya got the gist.

"You noticed there's never been a dull moment since we moved here"

"No I suppose not" her Dad said smiling when he saw her own smile.

* * *

Maya was sat her legs curled up under her when Calvin came banging through. "He's collapsed" he shouted. "He's seizing"

Her Dad and Meredith shared one look and then they were gone. They came back into first class with a body and then they began setting things up. They were so professionally competent that they seemed to know what each other wanted before they even asked for it. Maya dithered by the doorway watching with curiosity before she remembered Calvin standing next to her looking terrified. Perhaps he shouldn't see her father cut into his father's brains.

"You should go…look—" she said when he noticed that he was going to interrupt. "You don't want to be here when this happens. It's brain surgery for crying out loud! Go be with your other Dad and I'll come and get you when it's over."

Calvin dithered. Maya took his hand. "Go…honestly. Your other Dad is going to need some comfort"

Calvin was gone then in a swish of plaid.

Nearly ten minutes after she was using a needle to remove blood from a man's brain while on a plane battling severe turbulence a flight attendant put her head through the door and said a man had collapsed complaining of chest pains. Nathan went to check and that left a bag that needed pumping.

"Maya get over here"

Maya took the bag without asking and did what Meredith snapped at her to do.

"Listen…can I say something?"

"What now? Maya really?"

"Well yeah…look when I first met you…when you were attacked. I know I was a bitch. I'm sorry"

Meredith looked at her. Memories of that time were not what something she liked to dwell upon.

"Maya" she said warningly. "Don't say anything to me that you wouldn't say if you weren't afraid of a plane crash"

Maya shot her a look from under those dark eyelashes and Meredith took a moment to apricate the way the blonde boy had looked at Maya. She really was a pretty girl, damaged but pretty. Her mother had damaged her. Ellis had damaged Meredith, Meredith had still been a pretty girl…and Meredith really just hopped that Maya would not turn out as damaged as she had done…because she and Derek could have had years more together than what they had.

She closed her eyes as another wave of turbulence sent them both backwards a few steps and tried not to think of woods and pain and Derek screaming she tried to save his hand, of Arizona vomiting as she saw the bone of her leg and the pilot who had passed out due to pain. Of Lexie and the way her body had looked all small and frail and of the deadened look in Mark's eyes. Even when he had been in the final stages of life where his body was telling him that everything was going to be ok there had never been any life in his eyes. He had died with Lexie.

And Meredith remembered that she had never gone to see him. Terrified of talking about the all encompassing grief for her sister with the man that had loved her to the last second of her life and to his. She regretted that now. She regretted not seeing Mark.

Stupid fucking planes.

"Are you alright?"

Maya's head was tilted to the side and Meredith saw without seeing for a second and then shook her head fighting back the vomit. "I'm going to be sick"

Maya gestured frantically and a flight attendant the same pretty one that had been flirting with Nathan came over to grab the bag. Maya grabbed the nearest sick bag and thrust it under Meredith's head. Meredith vomited—she was rather pleased to see she did it neatly. Maya staggered again dropping the bag.

"Not a good flyer then?"

Meredith laughed as Maya opened a bottle of water and held it to her lips.

"You have no idea" she said darkly when she finished swallowing.

* * *

"Thanks" Calvin said to her once they finally (finally!) got off the plane.

"I didn't do anything" Maya said shaking her head.

"Yeah you did. You…you did a lot…"

Maya wasn't exactly sure about that but she didn't correct him.

"Look…here's my number…call me sometime"

"Oh" she said in surprise "Ok"

And with one last dimpled grin Calvin was gone his arm slung around his other father's shoulder as they walked off towards the ambulance. Maya paused staring after him hardly aware of the conversation her father and Meredith were having which seemed to be about the past, Meredith's husband, a plane crash and she noted dimly a woman called Lexie.

"Everything alright?" She asked quietly.

There was a very pregnant pause.

"Yeah" Meredith said finally. "You still want to get something to eat?"

"Yes" Maya said truthfully. She found she was hungry and more to the point actually looking forwards to a meal rather than dreading it. That she realised as she paused, was a new feeling.

As they walked off together she noticed that for the first time her father and Meredith were holding hands and for the first time in a long time she was smiling—hungry and smiling.

It was a strange moment for her. But she wanted it to last. She wanted to feel like this…happy…normal…

As they walked away Maya Riggs promised herself that she would fight to ensure that nothing…and nobody…would take away this little perfect piece of normality away from her.

Not even the memory of her mother.

* * *

 **And yeah we all know what's coming next. I hope to publish the final chapter of the Season 13 arc as soon as possible. In the meantime please let me know what you think.**

 **Next Chapter-In a sequence of events culminating in the end of Season 13, Maggie finds out about Nathan and Meredith, Maya meets Zola and Owen, Nathan, Maya, Meredith's and Amelia's worlds are turned upside down when Owen gets an early morning knock from the United States Army.**


	24. Missing Presumed Dead

**Hi, so here is another chapter and the final one of the Season 13 arc! I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I hope that I can update sooner rather than later. With the publication of this chapter I can tell you that there are seven chapters left of this story all of them focusing on Season 14.**

 **I don't intend Season 14 to be a long arc obviously as Nathan was only in five episodes but this will expand on the role that he had with a different ending.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing was mine in this chapter just Maya.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And always this story is full of TRIGGER WARNINGS for eating disorders.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 24-Missing Presumed Dead.

In a sequence of events culminating in the end of Season 13, Maggie finds out about Nathan and Meredith. Maya meets Zola and Owen, Nathen, Maya, Meredith and Amelia's worlds are turned upside down when Owen gets an early morning knock on the door from the United States Army.

Episodes Covered-13x22, 13x23, 13x24.

* * *

 **"** **This is the way you left me. I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory. No happy ending. This is the way that we love. Like it's forever. Then live the rest of our life but not together."** (MIKA—Happy Ending)

* * *

In hindsight she should have known this feeling of peace and contentment wouldn't have lasted. It was the way of her life. It was how she had known that she was still standing. Maya once thought that perhaps she was cursed. That perhaps she was the reason that things went bad just when everyone got their lives back on track. In the space of one week everything went over her head and nothing was ever going to be the same again.

And she was so angry she couldn't breathe.

First was Maggie finding out about her father and Meredith. For that Maya was blissfully unaware off because she spent the first part of that week that changed everything blissfully enjoying the hot summer sunshine. She thought that perhaps she was getting used to normality now and more to the point Meredith had let her use her yard at the back of her house which had a perfect sunlight and she began even though she begrudgingly didn't want to (because she was still fighting a losing battle on that front) she began to look at colleges, she began for the first time in a long time to put her life together from the many patchwork of scraps that Meghan had left it in with the lies and the secrets and she began to see a future for herself.

Of course what the spending time at Meredith's house and trying to ignore the complexities between Maggie and Meredith (who she had still not seen since they'd rowed in the middle of a hospital like a couple of drunken sorority sisters) it was inevitable that she was going to run into Meredith's kids.

Bailey and Ellis were too small to really kind of know her. Zola however was old enough to know about Maya and know about her father and Meredith and there was something about the grave seriousness of the kid that made Maya want to laugh—if she had ever been like that when she was seven then no wonder she'd turned out as cynical as she had been.

"Are you Dad and my Mom together?" she asked Maya quietly one day when Meredith was upstairs rattling around in her room and thankfully alone.

"Yes" Maya said compelled into honesty with her. "I think so. But I think there's a part of your Mom that still loves your Dad"

"And a part of your Dad that still loves your Mom?"

"Yeah I think so" Maya said thinking hard.

"Do you miss her?"

Did she miss Meghan? Once upon a time her heart had ached for her mother and now…now the damage that had been done between the two of them was such that she could barely breathe without getting angry. Meghan was her mother and there had been some good memories between the two of them but the secrets, the lies and the fact that she had been denied closure (while the last thing wasn't Meghan's fault she'd give her that) she had still lost so much time feeling guilty for something that had never been her fault, feeling guilty for not being enough—for not being the reason why her mother couldn't keep her underwear on or why her father couldn't. All of that she was working through. Anger was still there though. She wondered if there would ever be a time that it wouldn't.

"Sometimes" she said finally realising Zola was looking at her. Thank God the kid didn't seem to know what Maya had done to herself or what she was capable of doing to herself. Maya knew she couldn't explain it to her. She couldn't explain it to her damn therapist. There was another long pause as she took in Zola's expectant look as if she was waiting to pass some test and then she decided to change the subject—rapidly.

"Look. I've got a brain tumour in a jar if you want me to bring it over tomorrow"

Surprisingly enough that did it.

* * *

Maya had not been in the hospital when Owen Hunt walked in looking like a ghost. She had not been in the house with Meredith when Amelia had dragged him back through the door looking like he had been gifted his worst nightmare and yet his greatest reward on a plate. But Amelia had been. She had been there when Owen had told her his words broken as if he couldn't understand or even try to comprehend how his life had changed. She had been there when he had broken down finally at the news that had left her stunned and she had never…

Well…she had been the one to wrap her arms around Owen as he cried, his tears soaking into her hair and her shirt and then she had been the one to have the conversation with the best friend that Owen had had, the woman who had been a sister to her sister in law and the woman that Cristina had always been a little bit threatened by. Who had not (she noted to herself) come to the wedding claiming short notice and work complaints when she ran the damn facility but that was neither here nor there at the moment. So that had been fun—thank god she knew German through her High School. At least she didn't have to stumble her way through a conversation with Teddy's staff thinking she was completely incompetent.

But there was no getting around the fact that Meghan Hunt was alive. And that Meghan Hunt was coming back home.

And Amelia knew the damage that could do. To Owen who had just acknowledged his guilt and his grief and had rebuilt his friendship with Nathan. To Nathan himself who had moved on despite the lack of closure. To Meredith who had also taken that plunge into the great unknown and had come out looking happy. And to Maya. To Maya who had come through hell and back the last couple of months and who was improving everyday. This was going to break Maya.

And then there was what this meant for Evelyn…and for Teddy…and for Meghan herself. Amelia couldn't imagine what it must have been like. For ten years a captive in a warzone. Not to mention the agony of knowing that your child was out there somewhere across the world. Hell Maya could have been dead for all Meghan knew and with that Amelia came full circle and found it in her heart to pity the woman who had put her country before herself (and her daughter) and who had paid one of the ultimate prices.

Amelia sighed reaching for the bottle of water. Owen needed to drink. She needed to get him hydrated before she forced him into a car because if there was one thing that was perfectly obvious in this moment in time it was that Owen couldn't drive anywhere. It didn't matter that she was desperate for something stronger and Owen probably was as well. All that mattered was that he got up from where he had face planted on the couch shoulders shaking with emotion before Meredith, the kids or worse Maya came through the door.

"Owen" she said softly. "Would you like me to ring your Mom and let her know?"

She was pretty sure any goodwill she had with Evelyn had gone a long time ago so she was pretty sure that she was not going to change anything about the older woman's opinion of herself with this phone call. A marriage on the fly kinda did that too you.

But Owen was shaking her head and then he paused. "Do I tell Nathan? Or?" The name of Maya was kept silent but Amelia knew that Owen had been thinking of Maya without even asking. There was a pause where she stood there. "Owen" she said finally. "Maya is going to find out. You and I know that…the question is whose gonna tell her. She deserves to know and you and I know that it has to be someone she's close too. It has to be a relative…" She didn't touch on the fact that it would have been better if she'd have heard about Derek from Meredith or from someone and that her Mom might have come to her wedding if she'd have heard the news of her only son's death from her rather than Richard Webber.

"Nathan…Meredith…Maya…Meghan" he said as if each word was costing him something. Amelia felt her face crumple a little and she reached for Owen at the same time that Owen reached out for her like some lost child that needed comfort. And despite what they had been through she went to him, because he was Owen and she did despite it all love him with everything she had.

At that exact moment the door opened and Meredith complete with three kids in tow came in.

Well. It could have been a lot worse.

At least…blessedly, it was not the teenager or the grieving almost husband.

But there was the fact that for the second time in her life Amelia was going to see Meredith's lose the man she was just (just) beginning to love.

She moved her head so that it was clear that she wanted to go to the kitchen and Meredith shooed her kids upstairs immediately something pulling at her mouth that told Amelia that she knew what had happened to her and Owen and that it was not going to leave her unscathed. There was a pause where she stood there watching her sister in law reach for the tequila and then she turned her back on Owen who was still laying on the couch like some hungover resident who found that he had two days off and didn't know what he was going to do with it.

"What the hell?" Meredith asked but Amelia had already shut the doors between her sister and her husband and once again hated herself for the pain she was about to bring the woman who had taken her in time and time again despite the fact that she knew that she was still the wrong Shepherd.

* * *

Meredith had never been given a moment to contemplate what had happened. She had gone to see Nathan and the fact of the matter was that she had not thought about what she was going to say. She wanted to scream and cry but a drowning, the death of her mother, the death of her sister, the death of a man who she had considered a great friend and a brother in law and the death of the love of her life and she was not going to cry now.

There had been a fire, a missing child and a loose rapist. Maya was at her own house and Meredith had operated with Nathan before she had taken him to find the oxygen tank and had broken the news that she knew would blow his world apart.

He had cried.

A part of her had expected that. Of course he had cried, joy, anguish and pain, a misery that had lasted a long time and the fact that know he had gotten the best answer that he could have possibly have gotten and now it was all coming to an end and in the best way possible. Meredith could understand, could empathise and could cry without how it had ended up.

She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream and shout. She wanted to sink to the floor and grip her hair and she wanted…she wanted…she wanted Derek.

And she had been telling the truth when she had told him that if it was Derek she would have already been gone. Because that was the truth…and she wanted nothing more to do but than to go and sink beneath her covers until she could sleep between the sheets and pretend that Derek was beside her.

A part of her wondered how long she would be able to keep this up before she completely lost her mind. There was a pause as the two of them looked at each other before Nathan began to apologise for the nothing more than the fact that he loved the mother of his child.

"I'll call Maya and break the news" Meredith said before Nathan could ask. "Go to Germany, bring her home. I'll have Maya waiting for you. I'll do it. Don't worry"

She was hardly aware of what she was saying but she wanted to say something. And then when Nathan was gone with another soft smile that seemed to speak a thousand words it was Maya that was who she was thinking on when surrounded by the chaos and the insanity she reached for her phone.

"Hey Meredith" came the cheerful voice. Meredith didn't…Meredith couldn't…wouldn't dwell on this.

"Maya it's Meredith…I err…I have some news for you. Please sit down. It's about your Mom"

* * *

 **And there it is. I hope you all enjoy this story and this chapter and I will endeavour to update sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-The first of Season 14. Megan Hunt returns, Teddy Altman is hot on her heels. Meredith is the doctor of her boyfriends old love, Owen is in pieces, Nathan is trying to find his daughter, Maya is in a daze and Megan's got a secret that could change everything. **


	25. Whiskey, Tango Foxtrot

**Hi, so here is another chapter again this is massive one and I tried to keep it in Maya's character. There are six more chapters in the Season 14 arc so therefore there is always more to come. Coming of the back of this chapter is another one as well so I hope you all enjoy that one as well as this.**

 **Also on a side note-while i love Teddy i didn't like her in this episode nor did I like the way she Megan and Evelyn went after Amelia. So keep that in mind when reading this and the next chapter.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just Maya.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **As always with this story there are some trigger warnings for eating disorders.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 25-Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

The first of Season 14 and the final arc of this story. Megan Hunt returns, Teddy Altman is hot on her heels. Meredith finds herself the doctor of her boyfriends old lost and battered love, Owen is in pieces, Amelia feels out of place, Nathan is trying to find his daughter, Maya is in a daze and Megan has a secret that could change everything.

Episodes Covered-14x01

* * *

 ** _Now the day bleeds, into nightfall. And your not here, to get me through it all. I let my guard down. And then you pulled the rug. I was getting kinda use to be someone you loved_** (Lewis Capaldi-Someone You Loved)

* * *

Maya's first instinct was to lock herself in the bathroom and throw up. She didn't get a chance however. Meredith had jumped in a cab and had somehow managed to make it to her apartment before she had finished the four eggs she had made in some kind of daze. Meredith had swept into the room with the key that Maya hadn't realised that she had and had turned off the eggs on the stove threw them in the bin and then had pulled Maya to the couch and wrapped both arms around her until the groaning noise that Maya hadn't been able to realise was her had subsided.

"It's ok sweetheart. It's ok" Meredith had crooned as if she was as young as Ellis and Maya had been Meredith's daughter. "It's ok, I promise you it's all going to be ok"

But it wasn't was it? Because her mother was alive.

There had been times when Maya would have walked on nails for this. This opportunity, the chance to see her mother for one more time…now of course…now….now she wanted nothing to do with her.

Therapy and rehab had taught her that carrying that secret around had been like a cancerous tumour that had been on her back since the very first day. She had buried her mother, had put the ghost of her to bed and had found a way, hard as it had been to move on. The fact that she had been denied that path at the very last minute made her want to scream. She had accepted Meredith, had grown to love Meredith, had wanted nothing more to do but to have some sort of friendship with Meredith and now Megan had come back.

And Maya wanted to die. Because she didn't want to feel like this anymore.

How long she stayed there in Meredith's arms she wasn't sure but she was aware that the sunlight was streaming in her eyes and she was on her couch sleeping wrapped under a blanket. She opened them and saw Meredith coffee in hand watching the news as if it was a normal morning.

"Meredith" she said simply and the older woman turned to her. Maya tried to speak but wasn't sure what it was that she could say something that would actually form words. There was a pause where she took it in and then she felt like burying her head into the pillow again.

"Is she coming" she said finally. It wasn't a question.

"Yes" Meredith said simply. "Owen texted me. Your mother is awake and alert and seems to have her faculty intact. There is some injuries but she seems to be ok for a medical transport and she will be flying in from Germany arriving this afternoon depending on how fast the flight are."

Maya nodded.

"Meredith" she said quietly. "I really want to be sick"

"I know" Meredith said simply "But Maya if you do that then all of your hard work goes down the drain. If you do this then…it means that all of those demons inside of your head have won. It means your mother has won"

Maya snorted.

"I wish she'd stayed dead" she muttered. If Meredith overheard her she did a damn good job of ignoring it of which Maya was eternally grateful for.

"What do you want to do now?"

Maya opened her mouth to say what came into her head but she realised nothing did. She didn't have a clue what to do next. It made her feel slightly sick.

"I don't want to see her" she said truthfully. "I don't know why but I don't want to see her. Not yet. Not until I've spoken to my father"

The _not until I know where things lie between the two of them_ was left unspoken.

But it hovered there in the air.

Meredith however didn't say anything, she just nodded and sipped her coffee as if this happened every day.

* * *

Seeing Megan again was…jarring. Actually that was not the word but Nathan's head was mostly jumbled up in a mixture of panic and love and relief, a bone crushing relief that had knocked him almost to the side careening into the wall. He was so unsure of what he was feeling that he didn't want to acknowledge it. When the crash of emotion hit him he didn't want to be in public.

And then there was Maya. Megan after pointing out the gaping sepsis coated hole in her stomach had asked for their daughter. Nathan felt something horrible pool in his stomach and he was aware that both Owen and Amelia were looking at him with the same expressions. Megan had not picked up on the somewhat stilted silence but had in fact looked at him like he had Maya behind the door waiting to make her grand entrance.

"She's back in the States" he said finally. "She knows your alive but until I saw you I didn't want to bring her with me." that was the gist of it after all. Had he managed to see his daughter before he had ran for the airport thinking only of himself (which made the guilt in his stomach twinge again) then he would have thought that perhaps Maya deserved better but if he was being honest his daughter had worked so hard to overcome her past that he wasn't sure how to bring up the fact that her mother of whom a lot of this had stemmed from was alive and well and looking as if she didn't remember the past.

Nathan knew his daughter well. He would have to get to her before she got to her mother. A gaping wound in Meg's stomach was not going to stop Maya from speaking her mind.

And then there was Meredith.

"I need to talk to her first but I'm sure she's going to want to see you" he finished lamely and Owen sensing what was on his mind changed the topic to their mother and that distracted Megan for five minutes while he got a hold of himself. Amelia nodded towards the door and they both made their excuses under the guise of making sure the transport that would take Megan back from Germany was ready.

"Your going to have to tell her about the whole eating disorder thing. And Meredith you know" Amelia said leaning against the wall. "She's missed a lot, Maya's gonna go one of two ways with this and considering that all of Maya's control issues stem from her mother I don't think the lovely reunion is going to last all that long do you?"

Nathan knew she had a point but he didn't want to admit it.

"Maya can control her emotions you know. She's not gonna go into the room and have her first conversation with her mother since she was seven be full of violence and anger and pain"

"Yes" Amelia said her lip curling and her tone mocking as if Nathan had missed a point that was painfully obvious to all but the very stupid. "We all know how Maya responds to controlling her emotions don't we?"

Nathan could have shouted at her but before he could do anything the door opened and Owen stuck his head through the door looking at the two of them with an expression that Nathan took to understand that Owen knew exactly what they were talking about and wasn't impressed by it. Nathan understood his friend well, as far as he was concerned if Maya was going to upset Megan then Maya could stay away. Nathan couldn't hate him for it. He understood it well. For Owen his little sister was back and there was nothing more important than that. For him it was a completely different story and by far a messier one.

"She wants to see a picture of Maya."

Nathan nodded. That was simple enough to do.

"I'm going to speak to Maya and see how she wants to proceed. The bulimia is her business and under her control and I won't take that away from her. It's Maya's choice to tell Megan. As for Meredith, well…look Megan will understand that she's been as classified as good as dead for a long time but I won't tell her about Meredith until I know where the relationship stands ok?"

"Well hopefully she'll do it once we've gotten the hole in her stomach fixed" Owen said sardonically. Nathan was about to open his mouth and speak but Amelia cut across the two of them. "We don't have time for a domestic boys. Look Nathan go back in there and show Megan her daughter, Owen go and call your mother and make sure she meets us at the hospital—if John cannot give her a lift call Richard and see if an intern can because I don't think after receiving this news she should be driving. I will go and see if the transport is ready to take Megan back to the States"

Nathan nodded reaching again for his phone. The screenshot was Maya—a healthy looking Maya as well and carefully he didn't think about Meredith or the fact that deep down he knew that he didn't want to end his relationship, his first real one in a long time with the brilliant woman who had given him support in some of his darkest moments…the woman that he…

But no…he couldn't think about that right now.

* * *

Maya was sat in Amelia's Nuro room when the door opened. She knew who it was the second that she saw the door opened. Meredith knew she was here and nobody else but Meredith knew that she wanted to see only one person. Meredith would only send one person to her when she knew that she was in this mood.

"Mae" her Dad said sitting down next to her and using the old childhood nickname that had long since been reconciled to the past where happier times had been—or so Maya had thought. Now she didn't know what to think.

There was a moment where they sat there. Maya was watching the brain scans on the wall. Nobody had come in to turn them off and so she stared without seeing at the thing that made a person who they were and what they would become.

"She wants to see you" her Dad said finally. "I haven't told her that I know about the affair that she asked you to keep hidden. I haven't told her about the eating disorder. I haven't told her about Meredith. I thought you should be the one to tell her but I should tell you—she's—she's injured, she got caught in a blast and it's ripped a hole in her stomach and it's bad, it's an ugly scarred mess and I don't know what the hell we are going to do to fix it but Meredith's got something of a plan—"

"Wait—Meredith is the surgeon?" she interrupted and before she stop herself she was giggling at the irony. "Bet that's fun" she said trying to stop the bubbles of emotion that were rising up inside of her.

"Well…look I just want you to be prepared. Everyone is there. Teddy came back too—you remember Teddy from Germany Owen's friend the one who used to get you all that German chocolate?"

"Dad" Maya said still smiling though it felt like a grimace and there was no mirth whatsoever in it. "You do not want to talk to me about food right now"

"Oh…alright…look I know this a lot to take in, I know this puts you in a place you never thought you'd be again and I understand that I do but Maya…it's your mom and she's waiting to see you. So…can you just go in there and see her and let her see you in the flesh, she's in a lot of pain though she's hiding it right now—"

"Are you and her getting back together?" Maya cut across him feeling her teeth gnash together. She really didn't want to hear about Megan and her pain right now. She was too angry. Twice now she had built up a life of scraps and twice now Megan had come and destroyed in only now it was in the living flesh rather than in memory.

"Does she move in and we play at Happy Families again like we did last time?"

"Maya…we've…we've not talked about that so far. She knows things have changed for both of us. She knows…things aren't the same, for me, for you and for her. I don't expect her to suddenly declare her undying love for me and she doesn't expect the same for her. I love her, I probably always will but I don't know if I'm still IN love with her. If that makes sense"

And to Maya it did. It was the one thing in this fucked up situation that did make sense to her.

"No" she said finally. "I don't want to see her. If I see her I'll make myself sick afterwards. I don't want to see her. I don't want to here her excuses or how much she missed me or how much she loves me. If she loved me she wouldn't never have done what she did. I've worked to hard to go backwards. If I want to see her I will but right now I want to go and speak to my therapist"

Her Dad gave a long sigh and Maya knew what he was thinking. It wasn't the outcome he wanted that was for sure. But Maya knew that he was also thinking ahead, she was asking for help this time. And that had to be step forwards in the right direction for her.

"Ok. Would you…would you like me to get someone to drive you? Or I could of course?"

Maya shook her head closing her eyes. "Go back to Megan" she said standing up. "Go back and pay homage" she said bitterly. "I'll walk"

She looked at him then and pity took over. She bent down and hugged him. Her father really didn't deserve this. This had to be hard on him hard without her making it harder.

"I love you Dad"

"Love you to kiddo, so much. If you need a lift back to the hospital or to the house let me know ok?"

Maya nodded. She doubted she could speak anyway.

* * *

Meredith was rechecking some charts half listening to Amelia bitch about Jackson refusing to help with her surgery (she could understand both of their perspectives and she had to admit part of her thought that Amelia was right about pain destroying this kids life over the fact that the surgery would be a bit difficult for Jackson to do) when she turned and saw Maya leaning against the desk her eyes on what was left of the welcoming sign.

"Jesus. You nearly gave me a heart attack"

Maya grinned though it was a tad bitter. She smiled at Amelia and then folded her arms, so she was leaning against the desk.

"How was therapy?" Meredith asked delicately.

"It was therapy" Maya said finally. "Glad we had something to get into. She wants me to come back tomorrow. I'm going from weekly therapy to daily therapy so that's going to be great." She shook her head her hair falling over her shoulders.

"How is she?" she asked and there was no doubt that who she was talking about.

"Awake, alert, were going to see if we can fix the abscess with surgery, enough natural tissue and all that. She doesn't want a colostomy bag for the rest of her life. Have you…err…have you spoken to her? Because I think she has some stuff she wants to tell you"

Maya snorted. "I have several things that I want to say to her but I just had therapy to avoid it" she said bitterly. "I have to think of myself for once, my own health, mental and physical. I don't have time to think about the woman who set me on a path that led to all of this"

"Ouch" Amelia said sniggering. "Your about as lethal as I used to be. Coldness like that's only gonna drag you down. Anyone would think you'd have wanted her to stay dead"

Maya didn't say anything. She seemed to be thinking very hard about something. Amelia caught Meredith's eye and she shrugged.

There was another long pause and then someone else hit the table where they were standing.

"Meredith…Maya…"

Meredith knew that voice. She turned to see Teddy standing there. Her eyes were on Maya with something like surprise in them. Meredith supposed that since the last time Teddy had seen Maya and vice versa there had been many changes. Maya for the most part had her eyes closed for a second as if she was gripping what was left of her control and then she forced her eyes open and her body to turn around.

"Teddy"

"Maya…my God look at you, you've gotten so grown up. It's been what?"

"Ten years" Maya said flatly. "You took my Uncle's side remember?"

There was a very stilted pause. Amelia shot Meredith a look of glee that Meredith couldn't place but she had to admit it was nice watching Maya turn on that fabulously blank tone and stare on someone other than her.

"Yeah…listen…Meredith I need to talk to you and then if you want Maya I can take you to your mother, you know in case you don't know what room it is"

There was a quiet rebuke somewhere in there and Maya turned to stare at Teddy for a long second and then with a quiet politeness that was obviously forced there was no way that Teddy could avoid it. Meredith saw the blonde woman stiffen somewhat but confusion was still evident in her face. And that was when Meredith realised. Teddy didn't know, about the eating disorders and the affairs and the lies that had destroyed Maya's life. Teddy had absolutely no idea what was happening here and because of that Meredith felt compelled even to get in front of the situation before the pan of emotions inside Maya that had been slowly simmering away exploded all over them.

"You wanted to see me Teddy?"

Meredith had a very good idea what this was about and she was prepared to face it. Actually had it been someone she had known and loved she'd had probably done the same thing. Instead she bit her bottom lip and waited to hear out the coming storm that Teddy so clearly wanted to say and Meredith clearly had to listen to—she prayed both Amelia and Maya could keep their tempers to themselves. After all, it wasn't Teddy's fault she hadn't been forewarned about the shit she was stepping into.

"It's not appropriate for you to be Megan Hunt's surgeon while your sleeping with Nathan"

Amelia's head rose up but Meredith shot her hand out behind her and grabbed her wrist. The last thing anyone needed was the Shepherd temper right now. Maya didn't say anything but there was a smile playing on her mouth that Meredith couldn't understand. Then again teenagers were hard to understand and Maya had never been a particularly easy teenager to read.

"I mean the levels of inappropriateness…I thought he'd tell her but…you need to either tell her or get off her case because your compromised…"

"Don't talk to her that way"

That was Amelia at the same time that Maya asked…

"Does she even know?"

Teddy looked between the three of them and then answered Maya's question.

"No she doesn't."

"Then why the hell does it matter? What she doesn't know won't kill her. Hell nothing seems to kill her"

The bitterness was back. Teddy looked at Maya and then back at Meredith who tried to tell Teddy with a look that it was better to back off and leave it well enough alone. Teddy either didn't get it or didn't care because she ploughed on nonetheless.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Your mother is back and you don't seem to care. Go and see her, go and talk to her. You get how lucky you are right now don't you? You get how painful it is for her not to see you? You get how selfish it is for you hide away after having some kind of strop…"

But Teddy never got to finish that sentence and it wasn't because Amelia had shouted. "Listen here!"

It had been because Maya's had come back and she had smacked Teddy with all the strength she had.

The hallway went dead silent. But unlike the last time Maya did not shout, she did not scream or throw past accusations into Teddy's stunned and rapidly reddening face, she stared at her for a second looking more like a girl than she had ever done before and then when she spoke it was in a deadly whisper that spoke of such hurt it was hard to listen to. Amelia shot Meredith a look with raised eyebrows and then directed her glare to a couple of nurses that had clearly stopped to listen.

"Don't you dare call me selfish. Don't you dare pretend to know me, you were gone for ten years, you took Owen's side hoping desperately that he would notice you in his hour of grief. Don't pretend that you care, I don't want to see her Teddy, and you know go back and ask her before she's put under the knife about those last few days before she shipped out and what she was doing…or who she was doing and what she asked me to do before you come back and judge me"

And with that she swept off past Meredith who was surprised to see that her face was full of tears. Maya did not show emotion. That was one of the better things about her. Amelia turned as they watched and she spoke thinking obviously what Maya was going to do.

"Maya…"

"Oh for the love of…I need a moment" came the reply.

Amelia raised an eyebrow and then muttered something about her patient leaving Meredith to deal with Teddy and an explanation that she wasn't sure she should give.

* * *

Talking to Megan about her and Nathan was almost cathartic. She mentioned Derek only once. The flippant way that Megan had dismissed Derek as someone she'd never known was too hard for Meredith to think about. Even overseas you heard of Derek Shepherd.

But it was good to get it out in the open she supposed. She didn't love Nathan not in that way but she enjoyed the companionship, she enjoyed the man and the father and she wasn't planning on giving that up because in her mind she had worked too hard for that. If Nathan wanted to go then she wouldn't fight for him but she wasn't going to tell him to go back to Megan. Nathan was a man not a parcel to be passed between the two of them.

The little boy Megan had adopted in Iraq was a complication that Meredith knew would hurt Maya. But she couldn't talk about Maya with this woman. She had remained professional for years (bar you know fudging the clinical trial and sleeping with her boss in the car and in the on-call rooms and…well you know) and she wasn't going to spread Maya's confidence around. She had worked too hard to gain it. So instead she listened and tried not to let what she was thinking show on her face.

The problem was if the situation hadn't been as messy as it was then she probably would have liked Megan Hunt. It was clear from the way she spoke about her daughter that she did love Maya. The problem was that Meredith wasn't sure if Maya had it in her to go back to a relationship that she had always perceived as toxic.

Mothers and daughters. It was not an easy relationship and Meredith knew it well.

"Do you think she'll come and see me after surgery?

The hope was almost crushing. But Meredith couldn't lie.

"I don't know" was all she said. "Perhaps"

And with that she took Megan into surgery. At least there was one mess that she could fix.

* * *

It was Richard who had found her crying in the corner of the stairwell, Richard who had taken her very firmly by the arm and had taken her to the Attending's Lounge gotten her a glass of water and told her that it was quiet all right to cry.

Once she was done she drank her water and washed her face. Richard had stayed with her dispatching his intern to tell him when the surgery was done and Maya was relieved beyond words that she wasn't alone. Richard didn't ask questions instead he left her in comfortable silence to sort out her thoughts. Actually he did his charts and Maya watched as he pointed out what the difference between an inflamed bowl and an inflamed intestines.

Actually it was quite interesting. For one she had something to distract her and it was doing a wonderful job until the out of breath intern arrived.

Then reality came crashing down.

* * *

Megan was crying. Teddy couldn't blame her. She had kept it together long enough until Riggs, Owen and Evelyn had left in the guise of finding Maya, Amelia and John and Teddy sat down quite alone with Megan who suddenly burst into tears again. It was the shock wearing off she suspected and the adrenaline of a surgery and a rescue all in one week and the knowledge that she was no closer to be reunited with either one of her children.

"I'm sorry" she said finally as Teddy stroked her hand. "It's just I needed this to work. I need to go back to Iraq. I need to be with my son. He's my child I need to be with him. I have to go back to Iraq, Teddy, I have to be with him. I need him."

"I know" Teddy said quietly but she didn't get to say anything else because at that moment they both became aware someone was standing in the doorway.

"Your What!?" came the shout. Teddy closed her eyes in despair as Megan looked up wiping her eyes. It was perhaps the worst person at the worst time humanly possible. Everything seemed to go very still and very silent.

It was Maya standing in the doorway her face as white as milk and her expression one of shock. She had overheard everything. She had of course been just outside the door.

* * *

 **And there you are, I hope you all enjoyed it. Next chapter should be following on from this.**

 **Next Chapter-** **Maya comes face to face with her mother for the first time since she was seven. Home truths are shouted back and forth as both Megan and Maya learn the secrets that the other has been hiding and Megan goes back into surgery as Nathan makes an admission to Meredith.**

 **And there you are, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. **


	26. We Have Not Long To Love

**Hi, so as I said in the previous chapter this is another chapter. There are only five more chapters left of this story and this is a back to back update so please enjoy.**

 **I will try and update sooner rather than later. With this chapter there are some more emotional moments coming when Maya lets go of some of the anger inside of her.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please read and review.**

 **And as I always say there are trigger warnings with this story so please keep that in mind.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 26-We Have Not Long To Love

Maya comes face to face with her mother for the first time since she was seven. Home truths are shouted back and forth as both Megan and Maya learn the secrets that the other has been hiding and Megan goes back into surgery as Nathan makes an admission to Meredith.

Episodes Covered-14x02

* * *

 **"** **And hold me while you wait, I wish that I was good enough, if only I could wake you up. My love. My love. My love. My love. Won't you stay a while. I wish you cared a little more. I wish you told me this before. My love. My love. My love. My love."** (Hold Me While You Wait-Lewis Capaldi)

* * *

For a second the room was so still it was like the world outside had stopped. Everything had stopped. Emotion, thought, feeling, it had all just grinded to a halt as Maya had seen her mother for the first time in nearly ten years. For a second the two of them stared at each other as if trying to conjure who they were now with the image of who they were before. Her mother had changed, the cheekbones were sharper, the hair was shorter and paler than the darker red it was before, the skin was paler and there was a mass of something under her blankets that Maya knew was the festering wound.

She knew that she had changed to. She had grown up, grown tall, grown proud and then had made herself sick twice until her throat became raw and her stomach lining had been inflamed. She had scars too on her stomach as well and more than a few mental ones.

The woman in front of her was her mother, yet wasn't, there was no real kind of emotion there, no need to start crying and hugging and screaming for joy though Megan's eyes were filling with tears. It was as Maya had suspected. There was always some form of love there but right now it was still being overpowered by the anger. The anger which she knew, which she was comforted by. She was still her.

She was still Maya.

Actually, finding that out was rather clinical.

And then suddenly she had to look away. She wasn't used to the hungry look in anyone's eyes when they looked at her that way.

"Give us a minute" she said to Teddy who looked between the two of them. Maya knew what she was thinking and she didn't have the energy to disagree because this could go one of two ways and she knew which one she was betting on. Maya knew herself. She also knew her temper. But this emotion inside of her was different. This she wasn't used to. And if she was being completely honest with herself in that moment it scared her beyond belief.

"If your afraid I'll do something wait outside the door." She added and it was a mark of how much emotion was swirling around in her that she didn't make some kind of bitter remark about Teddy waiting around her Uncle despite the two (mostly failed) marriages. Teddy shot her a look and then was gone closing the door behind her and leaving the two of them in the room together.

The second the door closed Maya instantly felt like she was trapped.

"You have a son?" she asked casting both her eyes and her mind away from the woman in the bed and her mother launched into the story without taking her own eyes of Maya's face. It momentarily distracted her—not the whole son thing—that was a scab she would save to pick at later when she was alone. She had to admit that had she been in the same situation she might have done the same thing. Actually she didn't want to think about that. Sympathy hurt he back of her teeth. She was angry, her anger was justifiable.

Just why though did she have to keep telling herself that?

"You look… _beautiful_. So grown up. Oh Maya…there's not been a day gone by since I thought of you…look at you…"

She nearly vomited herself. Maya didn't know what she looked like but she knew it wasn't beautiful. And she didn't want to hear the terms of endearment. She didn't want to be here. Actually she didn't know why she was here.

Her mother however kept talking as if she didn't understand that Maya's insides were on fire as if she had downed an entire bottle of rum and then lit the match that would burn her to the ground.

"I mean it Maya. My god look at you, so tall and slender and…I'm so happy, I really didn't want this to scar you. It kept me up at night, wondering weather or not you were happy and safe and whole…and now I can see you, my perfect girl…so better than what I ever imagined"

For a second Maya stared at her and then before she could stop herself she was laughing, laughing as if her stomach was being ripped out of her again, wild and free and dangerous and manic. She laughed until she was crying and there was a moment where she couldn't tell the difference. Her mother kept looking at her as if she was confused.

"You think I don't have scars?" she managed to choke out. "My God they've kept you in the dark haven't they? You haven't got a clue have you?"

Her mother tilted her head to the side staring at her with wide eyes and a slightly surprised expression as if she'd lost her train of thought, and it was looking at that expression that made it as if the words had been ripped out of her. Once she had let that little bit of emotion out all of them had come spilling out and she couldn't stop them. She didn't want to stop them. Finally she was able to say what she had been wanting to say for years.

"I made myself sick" she said finally. "I made myself sick, I was thirteen and vomiting up after every meal and then last year I started again and I ripped my stomach lining and my throat raw. I have scars across my stomach just like you. And it wasn't vanity or how I looked. It was control and punishment, I had to punish myself you see. And did they bother to tell you why? No I don't think so. Of course they didn't tell you. Had to protect dear little Megan didn't they? Because everything is about Megan. God even when you were supposedly dead you kept making it about you!"

"I don't—"

"I LIED FOR YOU" she screamed. "I lied! I did exactly what you wanted and it nearly killed me! I covered for you, for your cheating, I let Dad think it was all his fault, I let Owen blame him, I let Teddy blame him, I let Owen take Grandma away! Because you told me that if I told anyone that you were whoring your way around the army base instead of being at home I'd ruin the family and everyone would hate me. Do you know what that was like to hear for a seven year old child? Do you know what that was like—hearing those words, your last words from you? From my mother? The only thing I could do to keep that secret to myself was to turn it all inwards and I nearly went mad in the process, hell I nearly killed myself trying to keep your legacy as the perfect soldier and woman and mother, and you sit there and you tell me that that you hoped that none of that would scar me!?"

There was an eerie kind of silence that seemed to stretch on. The door opened and Maya reacted on pure instinct and on pure instinct alone. She reached for something—it might have been a monitor she wasn't sure and she threw it at the door. She saw something that have been blonde curls disappear and a small part of her brain acknowledged that Teddy was probably calling either security or psych to come and drag her out the room. But Maya was going to let it get his far. Already she could feel the tremors in her body.

"Do me a favour. Go back to Iraq, go back to your son and forget I existed. I mean it. You want your son so bad, you want to be with him so bad then go, and leave me the hell alone"

And with that she turned and walked away outside the door down the corridor past the mutterings and the whispers and the askance glances of the nurses and Teddy and straight into the nearest bathroom. She stared at the pristine toilet seat…it would be so easy she thought even as the tears fell down her face. So very easy for her to throw all of her hard work away. She should be thrilled her mother was back and this…this emotion that she had just forced out of her was something she should have kept private.

But Maya couldn't. She couldn't punish herself anymore.

Perhaps this was what Amanda meant when she said that at some point Maya would meet her wall, would come across the turning point. At the time she had thought that it was all a load of crap but now…now…well…there was something finally making her stop. Something she could believe in.

Herself.

Oh God Maya needed a drink.

* * *

She sat on the floor of the bathroom for a long time contemplating this notion and then when she stood up she could see that night had fallen. She staggered—her knees weak from kneeling for too long. The corridors were empty somewhat and she forced her hair back behind the ears. It was really getting long now she realised. Maybe a change would do her some good?

"Oh there you are?" said a voice behind her.

She turned and saw Amelia coming down the hallway still in scrubs and looking furious. "What's wrong?" Maya asked finally finding her voice.

"Nothing. Your…Megan's gone in for her skin graft, of course I just saved a kid from being addicted to painkillers for the rest of his life and Jackson thinks I'm reckless and…" she stopped suddenly.

"And what?"

And then Amelia spoke too fast and too furious like the words were desperate to escape and Maya knew the feeling only to well.

"Owen thinks I need therapy you know from my brother's death. His mother doesn't like me—she's dating a man half her age but she doesn't like me, so naturally I need help. Teddy whose in love with him doesn't like me, so naturally I need therapy and Megan who doesn't know me but has made it perfectly clear that Owen should be with anyone but me doesn't like me—so naturally Owen thinks there's something wrong with me" she shook her head but not before tears came to her eyes.

"I like you" Maya said simply wrapping her arm around the other woman's waist. "You're my friend Amelia. You don't need to change for those three. Teddy will leave eventually, My grandmother will leave eventually and apparently so will Megan so…good riddance…"

Amelia looked at her. "I didn't think you would take it like this—aren't you glad just a little bit that she's back?"

Maya thought about it. "I don't know" she said truthfully. "I never thought it would happen. I wish things were different but…Amelia I've hated myself for years over the last conversation I had with her. And look at what I did to myself. Twice. I don't want to go back to being that girl I don't. And she's leaving anyway. She wants to be with the orphan she raised instead of me. As far as she's concerned if she has to live in Iraq then she's going to live in Iraq."

"And you and your Dad?" Amelia asked quietly.

"Dad can do what he wants I suppose but I am sure as hell not going anywhere"

Amelia opened her mouth to say something but at that moment the door to the OR gallery where Maya realised they'd both been walking back towards opened and out came Teddy, Owen and her Dad. Maya stared at them for a second and then nodded.

"I take it the transplant went well" she deadpanned.

"Yeah" her Dad said shooting her a look that she couldn't quite decipher.

"Oh good" Maya said in that same terribly detached tone that made her wince in her head. Carefully she didn't say that that meant that Megan could go.

"I went to see her" she said smiling humourlessly. "I told you it wouldn't go so well"

And with that she turned and walked away wiping her eyes furiously as she went.

* * *

Meredith got back in the car her hands shaking.

 _Because she thinks I'm in love with you and she's right._

Damn him, damn him, didn't he understand that he got the miracle dream? Didn't he understand what she would do to get what he had right now?

Carefully she didn't think of Derek. She had learned a long time ago that if she wanted a relationship with another man then she would have to find a way to box Derek away in her head. And in her bedroom.

Damn him.

She had heard about Maya's…row…with her mother for lack of a better word. Owen had been furious with his niece and had wanted to shout. For the most part hen she had walked into the room Megan had refused to look at her instead turning on her side so she didn't have to face anyone. Meredith decided that she was not getting in between that domestic. Maya now had two parents, she didn't need anyone else.

She didn't need Meredith.

Then again had she ever needed Meredith?

Meredith liked to think that she had.

She turned the car on and drove away and pretended that she didn't see the man in the back of the window that she had come in her own way to love or the ruins of the future that she had finally begun to allow herself to imagine.

* * *

 **And there you go. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I will try and bring you the next one sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-Maya meets Carina DeLuca, Amelia learns that she has a brain tumour. Maya calls out her uncle who in turn calls out her on Megan, and Megan and Nathan have a talk about Maya, what happened between them and if they think they have a future together. **


	27. Seek And Destory

**Hi, so here is another chapter. This one is again another long one and should be followed by another update as this story continues to conclude. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And as always TRIGGER WARNINGS in this chapter for upsetting topics.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 27-Seek And Destroy

Maya meets Carina DeLuca, Amelia learns that she has a brain tumour. Maya calls out her uncle who in turn calls out her on Megan. And Megan and Nathan have a talk about Maya, what happened between them and if they think that at the end of the day they have a future together.

Episodes Covered-14x03

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _We were out and out, through the storms, through the night. We were running in the dark, we were following our hearts. And we would fall down and we would slowly fall apart. We would slowly fall into the dark"_** (Falling Apart—Michael Schulte)

* * *

Why she kept going back to the hospital she didn't know. But then again she did. Maya suspected deep down she had machoistic tendencies. That would explain a lot now she was thinking about it. She didn't even bother going near the wing were her mother was resting after her successful miracle surgery. She didn't think she could bare it. She had opened her soul so publicly the last time and besides it didn't change the underlying facts which was simply that her mother was going to go back to Iraq. Perhaps if she left Maya's life which had been ebbing and flowing with Megan Hunt's for too long could stop and she could finally get some normality.

Her Dad had tried to talk to her about it over dinner that night but he'd been hyper from his own conversation with Meredith and the fact that she had taken a piece of stomach from one person and transferred it to another. It was a surgery that had it been on anyone else Maya would have bribed her way to see. As it turned out she could have seen if for free but she didn't want too. As far as she was concerned the distance between her mother and her could stay at what it was. She had told her Dad as much and had said between a meal that she had ate but not tasted that it was time to put herself first rather than the secrets that she had been carrying for too long.

But one thing had persisted because the alternative was too strong for her to bare alone.

"When she does finally fuck off to Iraq are you going to go with her?"

"No." her Dad said simply. "I'm going to stay here with you"

It was a sigh of relief that escaped her and more than a few fears. Her Dad had always gone where the people who needed help had needed him the most. Iraq would be full of teaming trauma's and she knew that he spoke some of the lingo.

"So are you and her getting back together then?"

"Honestly I don't know. I need to talk to her about it. I need to talk to her about a lot of things come to think of it. When she's had time to recover I will. We both need to figure out weather or not we still have those feelings for each other. And then there's her son and you…"

 _"_ _Don't"_ Maya thought in her head thinking of what she so desperately wanted to say in that moment. _"Please don't. I know myself. I know myself when I think of her. I know I don't have a right to ask it but please don't get back together. I don't want to have to walk on eggshells the rest of my life"_ Instead she turned back to the fish that was in front of her and she chewed slowly putting down the fork when she found that the meal had turned to dust in her mouth.

* * *

That had been the last night. This morning with school ending she had gone straight to the hospital. She had decided to go and see Amelia because she seemed to be the only one with any sense or at least the only one that didn't pry her for gossip as soon as she walked into the room.

Amelia however was nowhere to be found and part of her study had been taken over by a tall Italian looking woman who looked as if she had stepped off the front cover of the Italian Vogue. Seriously who had legs that long?

There was a heartbeat of pause and then the woman turned to her.

"Hello" she said. "If your looking for Doctor Shepherd she's in a meeting with a new doctor"

"Oh"

"Your Maya Riggs"

"Yes"

"I am Doctor Carina DeLuca. I Andrew's sister. Doctor Bailey gave me a research grant and Amelia let me use her room while it's free. Coffee?"

"Eh yeah"

Jesus the woman had a coffee maker in the corner of the room. Italian coffee if the label was anything to go by.

"So what do you study here" Maya asked in a wild display of interest taking the coffee to warm her hands if nothing else.

"Female orgasms."

Maya spat a mouthful of coffee out over the floor. And it was good coffee as well. There was another pause as she took the images of brains around the wall and she almost smiled to herself. She had wanted a good distraction.

"Elaborate" she said sitting down. "I like brains"

Carina pulled over some charts. She didn't go to fast and she took the time to explain what was going on in them as well. It was despite everything a rather enjoyable morning not in the least because her mother was never discussed and Carina threw in a few sexual anecdotes from her own past with both men and women and Maya was left with a few gems of knowledge that she had never even considered and more than another healthy appreciation for her own body. More to the point she found that she could laugh again.

And that was where her Uncle Owen found her, giggling like a normal kid her age would with the equivalent of a _'Cool Aunt'_

"Can I have a word Maya"

Ugh.

It wasn't that Maya hadn't been expecting this. She had after all smacked Teddy and then screamed at her mother who Owen loved. She was also a firm believer in that relationship being deader than a week old piece of bowl tissue but she could feel her good mood evaporating. She was not going to be lectured on manners by a man who had left her alone in the cold for ten years and then had wondered why she was hostile too him—also she was a massive fan of Amelia and Owen had been either thoughtless or cruel it was hard to tell but either way she had known that this confrontation was coming. She wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospect but Maya had never ran away from a fight and she wasn't about to start now.

"Look if this is about Teddy" she said following him out of the room and into the stairwell. "Then I get it. Smacking her wasn't cool but you weren't there…you weren't listening to what she was saying…she thinks Mom's some sort of golden queen and I don't get—"

"Teddy doesn't know. About the affair, about any of it. She knows about Nathan but she doesn't know about Megan"

Maya stared at him blankly for a second. "You didn't tell her."

"No"

"You…of course you didn't. And I bet she didn't either"

"Megan told her after you yelled at her. Teddy regrets how she handled things with your Dad but that's beside the point. Look, I get that Megan hurt you, I'm not…I get that lying for her really screwed her up and I'm thrilled that your on the mend Maya I am but…but she needs you now. And I get it, I do it's not easy and I know that there's a lot of history but…Maya she needs to know that you and her are going to be ok especially as she cannot get Farouk home"

"Whose…oh the kid?"

"Yeah, she can't get him back from Iraq, politics complicate things and she's panicking about him being alone in one of those detention centres. The news and all…" he shook his head. Maya ignored the rambling and decided not to make the comment that immediately screamed out at her about detention centres. Instead she turned her thoughts away from her half brother (and God that was going to take some getting used to even if Megan did relocate to the other side of the world and left her alone)

"Uncle Owen" she said finally. "Please hear me. I don't have it in me to be Megan's little punching bag. I know things have changed, she hasn't. I walked into that room and all she was talking about was her son. She had no idea of the damage that she did asking me to lie like that. She had no idea what kind of mother she was when she was one to me and I get that she was young and I get that she wanted a career I do I'm not stupid but I have to do what is right for me and honestly I'm not sure having a relationship with her is the right thing."

There was a heartbeat of pause then Owen spoke. "Maya it's not about you this time she needs to know that you don't hate her, she needs to see you. She needs you"

"And I'm telling you that I don't want to go back into that room and talk to her. It's my Mom Owen and she makes me feel sick. She made me make myself sick. And then we all built our lives back up and she came back. Dad was happy, you were happy and I was happy and I don't want to be in the same OR next to her because I ripped my stomach lining again. I'm white knuckling myself every night when I eat as it is. Besides…she's got you hanging on her every word, wrapped round her little finger—she doesn't need me to adore her"

She couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of her tone and Owen it seemed picked up on it because his brow furrowed. "What does that mean?"

"It means that Mom met Amelia once and didn't like her and didn't like her because she wasn't Teddy. It was the same with Aunt Beth who I liked by the way. She was more of a mother to me than Megan was and Amelia's a good friend and Mom didn't like either one of them—have you noticed that you find fault with anyone and everyone Mom doesn't like…Amelia doesn't need therapy. She lost her brother and her baby and her fiancé—she doesn't want a repeat so she's taking her time to figure out if she wants a baby—she wants children, I've seen her with Zola and the others, she'd be a good mom, maybe her issue with babies, maybe she'd be open to adopting with you? And you lost a sibling, you know how it is, but did you try and understand that no? Instead you listened to an opinion of a woman whose in love with you, a woman whose been back in your life for five seconds and your mother. Get a spine and be there for your wife for the love of God. Now if your done I'm going back to that room to learn more about sex, and yes…I get how that sounds"

She turned away her whole body shaking again. And decided did not look behind her or at the stairs that would take her to her mother who as she reminded herself again—she still did not want to see.

* * *

Nathan had not intended to go in there. Well…he had but he had intended to speak to Meredith beforehand. She however had locked herself in a combination of complicated surgeries. He supposed his declaration of love had not helped matters. So that left Meg. He knew he owed her the truth. Maya had been like a stone all through the night. She claimed she was ok but he didn't know how true that was. He couldn't help but spend most nights dithering outside her bedroom door like some sort of creep wondering weather or not she was making herself sick. He knew that she had promised him she wasn't but…

Megan was watching the TV when he came in but she switched it off. There was a sense that everything should be out in the open between the two of them. Nathan knew deep down the spark was still there but there were a lot of landmines in place that could blow up whenever.

"What shall we tackle first. The affairs we both had, the state of our relationship or the mess that is our daughter?"

Megan to her credit didn't shy away from the conversation.

"I had an affair, ok I admit it. And It was a month before you came out, I ended it the second I knew you were coming, I regretted it. I did. Nathan I've had a lot of time to think and…and I know that what I had with you, with Maya, it was the best time of my life. I never wanted her to keep that secret. But I was unhappy, I wanted to be a surgeon and being a mom complicated that. I loved Maya, I love Maya still. Back then I wanted to be a surgeon more than being a mom. And I resented her for it, and I resented you. But during my time in captivity I thought back and I knew how selfish I was. I lashed out, and I paid the price."

Nathan nodded. "To be honest, I had the one night stand because of much of the same reason. We…we became parents way to young looking back. And…and I loved you but I don't think back then it was enough, looking back I think we papered over a lot of cracks because we had a kid in the picture."

"A kid that now hates me"

"She doesn't hate you. Hell she's too much like you to hate you. Meg she's…complicated and she turns everything inwards until it's twisted but…but I know her. She doesn't hate you, she's mad at you but I know Maya and I know that she sees it as a safe emotion, if she feels half of what she feels for you then she'll be in the bed next to you. And…and I don't think Teddy helped, Owen doesn't help matters much either and…and Farouk causes a lot of hurt as well. And I understand, of course I do, you love him and you don't want to leave him behind. But…"

"But to Maya it's like I'm leaving her behind all over again" Megan nodded. "If there was an easy way that I could do this Nathan you know I'd take it. But he's a boy from Iraq with a problematic past at best and this political climate we both know that there's no amount of favours or press that I can use. And Maya…she has you. Farouk has nobody. I love him. I'm his mother, if they'd have never found me, if he had never come to me I'd be dead by now"

Nathan nodded. He got it he did. And it could have been him that had been in this situation because it had been his patient on that chopper as well as hers.

"When did she start making herself sick?" Megan asked quietly. Nathan moved to sit down. Out of all of their memories both together and apart this was the one that was going to cause both of them the most pain.

"She was fourteen when she started, that's what she told me. I used to do relief work from time to time in Jordan mostly but in other places too. Maya seemed fine with me going encouraged me a couple of times. We were living in New York at the time and she had friends that I trusted. So I didn't see it coming until one night when I got home from the hospital I had privileges at to find her throwing up in the bathroom. I tried to get her therapy but she screamed at me and shouted and fought back. I had one more tour to do in Jordan and I went and I met April Kepner who told me a position here was open. Maya promised she'd stop, I watched her like a hawk and then we moved and she seemed…fine…more than fine actually. And then we came here…and she was good for a long time until at one point she wasn't"

"What set it off?"

"A combination of things I think. Owen was fighting your corner pretty hard, and she got into a row with Maggie my boss and there was an incident with a baby that she helped deliver with a resident and an intern and…and I don't know to be honest, I don't know what triggered it. I don't know. She ended up ripping her stomach lining and having surgery to repair it. Of course now she's better, she's in therapy, she went to rehab and she got better. She's…well she's spending a lot of time in therapy. She seems to be managing it. I don't think this has set her off"

"It might have been better for me to stayed dead wouldn't it?" Megan said humourlessly. Nathan opened his mouth to tell her that wasn't true but before he could Megan was speaking again.

"Did she like Meredith? I mean I like Meredith and I've only known her a week. Did she like Meredith? Does she like Meredith I mean? You and Meredith?"

"Yes. She likes Meredith. And she loves Amelia"

"Of course she does"

"Amelia is a good person Meg" Nathan felt compelled to say. "She is. I know she comes across as hard and brittle but she's been through a lot. Amelia's been there for us. She might not be right for Owen but she's not mad or in need of help. She saw her father get shot, her brother died, her baby died…Maya likes her because she understands her and I'll tell you this for free—keep your feelings about her to yourself because Maya will take Amelia's side over anyone else's. If you'd have asked you could have avoided that. It probably only made her angrier."

Megan nodded. "I don't like her though, I wish I did but…I think Teddy is the love of his life"

"Meg. Ted was married to a man that she loved, and he died and Owen was married to a woman who I heard about when I was in Jordan she was that good. Stop pushing for it. Because you and I had rows about how you made Beth feel and Beth sent Maya birthday and Christmas presents for years after you disappeared. When we gave you a funeral Beth did Maya's hair. Not Teddy. Teddy…told me what a creep I was and held Owen's hand the whole time. And when Maya needed someone—when she went on birth control and when cried it was Amelia that stepped in."

Megan watched him for a second and then she looked away blinking rapidly. "I didn't know that" she said finally.

There was a very painful silence.

"Did…does she have friends? Boyfriends?"

"No boyfriends that I know about. She's never shown an interest before. Some friends, none I've met. She likes to read. A lot. Loads of times she's spent money on books. You should be glad you missed the whole Twilight debacle when she was fourteen and I had to listen to weather or not I would approve of Edward or Jacob. Not to mention the Harry Potter movies I had to go and see because she was too small to go and see them herself."

"College?"

"Hasn't said anything. Her grades are good. She likes most subjects, never really had a problem with any except maybe PE. Kid's like you. All gangly legs. Not much underage drinking thank god. No purple eyeshadow phase like you. She likes the idea of Boston and New York when I asked her"

There was a pause. "

"I think we've lost her to Nuro"

Megan laughed her eyes sparkling.

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Another reason she likes Amelia—the woman gave her a pickled brain injected with dye so it glows in the dark. She uses it as a nightlight"

Megan laughed again wiping her eyes.

"Nathan" she said finally. "I never wanted to hurt either one of you, you know. I know I've made mistakes. I know I've been selfish. But I want a second chance with her. I'll crawl through hell for it if I have too"

"I know. Give her time Meg. She's had a lot to overcome"

"You think she'll forgive me?"

"Yeah…she's human, and she's a teenager. She's mad. Give her time."

Megan took a deep breath and Nathan knew that this was the conversation he had been longing for and yet dreading.

"Nathan…I love you…I always will but I don't think…"

"That you're _in_ love with me?"

"No" Megan looked at him her eyes wide and rapidly filling again. "I'm sorry. I am…but…I think that's where we went wrong. We were friends for a long time, you were my best friend…I loved you but…I'm not in love with you anymore."

It was a relief despite the pain that accompanied it. It was saying goodbye finally to something that had haunted them for a long time. Because they had been young and they had thought themselves invincible and they had not been ready to have children. And yet they had this young woman who they both loved who had come through an immense amount in the small span of her life and who was braver than both of them.

And there was time to say goodbye to what it was between the two of them. They had changed too much.

"She's bloody perfect Nathan" Megan said finally. "You did an incredible job. I knew you would. I knew you would make her into an incredible woman. You never disappointed me though I suspect I disappointed you"

"You never disappointed me Meg"

"Can you…can you sit with me for a bit. Please?"

His answer was absolute.

"Of course I can"

He sat down on the bed and she reached out like a child—like their child would do when she had had a nightmare. Nathan had been the one to soothe her nine times out of ten.

He pulled her as close as he dared given her injuries and she lay her head against his shoulder her tears soaking his and his tears were soaking her. There was a lot of time and a lot of memories and a strong love and pain that ran with the other. And it was time to let it go.

They stayed like that for a very long time.

* * *

 **And there it was. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I will try and update sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-** **Amelia has her brain tumour removed. Maya supports her Amelia. Meredith tries to distance herself from the Riggs family to which Maya feels compelled to speak upon and Nathan makes the decision to help Megan reunite with her son and in doing so ensures that Maya meets her half-brother. **


	28. Significant Others

**And hi here is another chapter, with publishing this chapter there are three more left of this story! There will be some runover past 14x05 but not much.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just this chapter.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And as always Trigger Warnings for this chapter.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 28-Significant Others.

Amelia has her brain tumour removed. Maya supports her Amelia. Meredith tries to distance herself from the Riggs family to which Maya feels compelled to speak upon and Nathan makes the decision to help Megan reunite with her son and in doing so ensures that Maya meets her half-brother.

Episodes Covered-14x04

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Crowned in glory, fear no more. Winter's misery, or the coming war. Gloria Regali, peace and understand, forever may you reign. Gloria Regali, peace and understanding. Forever may you reign. Forever may you reign._** (Gloria Regali—Tommee Profitt)

* * *

The news that Amelia Shepherd had a brain tumour that had been steadily growing for ten years in her brain effecting every decision that she had made was one of such magnitude that it totally took Maya off the hospital gossip wheel for good. The news that she had abandoned her war hero mother (though as one nurse had put it in the bathroom— _'the poor girl has her reasons you know'_ ) was nothing compared to the fact that Amelia had been operating with a massive tumour in her skull for most of her medical career.

The tumour was to be taken out my a man by the name of Tom Koracick a man who Maya liked and both loathed on sight. If there was ever a man who spoke of the arrogance that surgeons were supposed to embody it was him. He was also incredibly funny and had on meeting Maya looked her up and down and then turned to ask Owen how in the world he got any work done which had made Owen look furious and Maya giggle.

When her uncle had pointed out that she was her niece Tom had winked at her turned to look at Owen in a critical kind of way and then asked where the gene pool had gone wrong which had made Maya laugh (a tad hysterically it had to be said) for the first time in weeks.

Amelia seemed prepared for what was going to happen and she was doing her paperwork for the surgery when Maya came in.

"You know you don't have to be here you know? You might want to go and spend time with Owen and your Mom. He's giving you funny wounded looks when he sees you." she eyed Maya critically. "Still not spoken to her"

It wasn't a question. Maya had been spending most of her time with Amelia.

"What's the point" she said comfortably. "She's gonna go back to Iraq as soon as she can walk and she'll probably stay there because she'll never get the kid back in this pollical climate. And if she does then when she comes back I'll be in a college far, far away the other side of the country and then we can steadily ignore each other"

There was a pause where she sat there and tried to think about the situation.

"So you don't want to meet your brother?" Amelia asked scratching something out with a pen.

Maya paused. She had not thought of Farouk as something other than a kid in a warzone. He was her brother she supposed and she didn't want to imagine what he had been through, that fact alone warmed him to her—she wasn't completely heartless but she had to protect herself. And she had been on her own too long for the idea of a brother or sister to seem strange—even Meredith's kids had taken a bit of getting used to. But what was the point in getting close to the idea of the kid when she was never going to meet him"

"No" she said finally. "What's the point. She's not going to get him back, would take an infectious disease or a prayer from above and I don't hold much stock in either of them"

Amelia nodded folding up her paperwork. "Well…I've done everything" she said finally. "I've decided to let Kepner pull the plug If needed. Owen won't, Meredith and Maggie won't not without protest"

"And April will?"

"April understands what I want. And she'll see it through, plus were friends but were not close so there's no pressure on her either way. She's a good surgeon who can make tough calls, she's lost a baby like me and she understands what it is to put the good of the patient before your own convictions no matter how painful it is. And she knows that I don't want to be on a vent for the rest of my life. Besides Meredith already pulled the plug on Derek…she shouldn't have to do it on me"

"Nobody is going to pull the plug on you" Maya said finally. "Because your going to come through this with flying colours and when you wake up I'll drink enough for both you and me. And…and because your my best friend Amelia as sad as it is and I need you"

Amelia grinned at her, her teasing tone hiding the fact that Maya knew she was touched by what she had said.

"Good God Maya is that you caring? I must be important if the Ice Queen composure melts"

"The nurses call me that?"

"Oh yeah, but it's not so bad a nickname when you think about it. Bailey was called the Nazi and then Booty Call Bailey, Meredith was called Medusa, Derek was called McDreamy and Mark was McSteamy. Your Dad called April, The Machine. All I got was The Other Shepherd. The Ice Queen's quite good by comparison"

Maya had to acknowledge that she was right. She stayed with Amelia until Tom came to take her away with another wink and a smile that seemed to speak volumes between the two of them. She let her Uncle say goodbye to Amelia in private and made a quick trip up to the gallery in the OR. If she really was the Ice Queen it was time to put that reputation into practice and get a chance to grab a look inside someone's brain.

As it turned out it was all for naught.

When she got to the OR gallery Bailey was already sat there. "Sit" she said pointing at the seat next to her. This was totally ruining Maya's plan to get what she wanted by stealth force.

"What the?"

"Oh Amelia already asked me and I said yes" Bailey said not taking her eyes off what was happening below. "She said it was time that you got a good look at someone's brain and it may as well be hers. Besides a tumour this big that's been dormant for so long? Well…chances are your not going to see something like this again." She shot Maya a look out of the corner of her eye.

"You know, not that I am one to put my own speciality above those of learned and respected colleagues but have you…considered looking at…I don't know…General? It's fun, gives you a chance to play with all the organs you know"

"You know when you talk like that you sound like one of serial killers that eat people in the basement"

"You see…here I am trying to be nice to you and you go and say things like that. No wonder the nurses gave you a nickname"

"I heard you got two"

"Yes…but I would like to point out that if you value sitting here and watching the brain surgeon cut open the cancerous brain you will remember that I am known as The Nazi"

Maya grinned at her and then turned back to the glass divide.

It was where Meredith found her an hour later.

"Do you know why your Dad seems to be calling me every five seconds?"

"He left this morning. Said he had to do something to appease his conscious whatever that means. I don't know and I don't care so long as it has nothing to do with _her"_

Meredith shot her a look.

"You know your Mom is actually quite nice once you get to know her."

"Yeah well I suppose ten years with no company does that to you. I've told you Meredith I'll speak to her when I'm ready. My whole life was dictated on her terms even after she went missing. This time it's mine. My terms, my choice. Besides she doesn't like Amelia and I do and Amelia needs me right now more than her—and I enjoy her company"

Bailey elbowed her. Maya realised she'd been hissing rather loudly.

She turned around and crossed one leg over the other and she bit her bottom lip watching as the dye lit the up the room.

"He's not with her you know. I know that much"

Meredith said nothing.

"He should be" she said finally. "Life Is complicated, your mother gets that and he should be with her because she's his first love and he gets the chance that I don't. I gave him to Megan, it's not my fault she's giving him back"

Maya snorted. "Jesus Meredith, he's not a parcel that you can pass between the two of you, he's a human being. And you might want to crawl over broken glass to be with Derek but things have changed for both of us. He's got me and she's got her son and she lied and she cheated and she put me in a bind that saw him deal with more emotional trauma than you get when your on this job. Life is complicated, he loves her I grant you, but he's not in love with her. He fell out of love with her a long time ago—if he was to force himself to love her now then it would cause him and her pain and I'd have to move out. Just accept that a man loves you instead of waiting for the trapdoor. Seriously I get whiplash sometimes"

Meredith said nothing for a long time. Her phone buzzed again and then she stood up and walked out of the door. Maya watched her go for a second and then shook her head rolling her eyes. She didn't have time to deal with this shit, after this she was going to have to go to see her therapist. At this point she was going to have to do what was best for herself. It was the only thing that made sense in the sea of chaos that once again her life had turned into.

She turned back to the surgery.

* * *

Farouk said very little on the car ride home. Meredith was driving, Nathan was staring at his phone and Farouk had his face pressed up against the window. Meredith supposed that Seattle was a better landscape than what he was used too even though it was beginning to drizzle. She asked him a couple of times if he wanted to stop for food but all she got was a small smile and a shake of the head. Nathan told him to drink some water and he obliged by taking small sips as if the whole bottle was something to last for a couple of days. Meredith felt the stirrings of sympathy in her.

"Have you told Megan?"

"No, I want it to be a surprise"

"Ah…have you…err…told Maya?"

She already knew the answer to that one.

"I know about Maya" Farouk said finally into the stilted silence in the car. His accent tripped over the words as he tried to sound them out. He sounded pleased with himself for knowing who she was.

"Mama mentioned her. She is my sister"

"Eh…yeah Bud that's right"

"Will she like me?"

Oh wasn't that a loaded question.

"Yes she will" Nathan said finally. Meredith supposed that Maya could put on a good game face if she wanted to be. Maya wasn't the type to hurt a child anyway. Meredith knew that.

"I don't know how to have a sister"

"Well Maya doesn't know how to have a brother so you can help each other out"

Farouk nodded apparently pleased with himself. Meredith ignored Nathan's eye.

* * *

Maya was on her way out of the hospital when the car pulled up, Amelia's surgery had gone well and she was on her way to speak to Amanda. Her Dad got out the car followed by Meredith who went straight into the hospital with a closed off face and a look that silence Maya completely. Her Dad stared at her for a second and then the back seat door opened.

It was a kid.

She knew who it was without even asking.

"Farouk this is Maya. Maya meet Farouk"

The kid beamed at her showing perfect white teeth. Maya forced her lips into something that was a smile automatically though she could feel her body trembling some sort of emotion she didn't want to name. Because deep down she was confused. Her Dad had told her he didn't want to be with her Mom anymore and now he was bringing her, her son? What the…

Not for the first time she felt clueless and as much as she pained herself to admit she had to acknowledge how much she was banking on this plan not working out. She had been banking on her mother going back to Iraq. Now she wasn't. Now she was going to stay, here in Maya's life.

And Maya was now somehow, going to have to find a way to live with it.

* * *

 **And there it is. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Next Chapter-As Maya reluctantly spends time with both her brother and her mother, Meredith and Riggs have the conversation that they've been dreading. Some flashbacks to the time when Megan went missing.**


	29. The Night Before (Life Goes On)

**Hi, so here is another chapter, there are only two more chapters left of this story! I am in the process of tying all the loose ends up for this story so I hope you enjoy. I know I said that there would be flashbacks in this chapter but on writing it I had to work them out as they didn't fit into what I wanted for Maya. So I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And as always with this story TRIGGER WARNINGS for eating disorders and warzone mentions.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 29-The Night Before (Life Goes On)

As Maya reluctantly spends time with her brother and by association her mother, Meredith and Riggs have the conversation that they've been dreading and yet needing to have.

Episodes Covered-14x05

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _When the night was full of terrors, and your eyes were full of tears. When you had not touched me yet. Oh, take me back to the night we met"_** (The Night We Met—Lord Huron)

* * *

The problem with Farouk, Maya decided was that he had no idea what shit he had stepped into. When he wasn't with Megan he was spending time with her. He seemed to have developed some sort of infatuation with her that she couldn't place and a part of her wanted to shout at him. And yet there were things about him that made her want to cry. Her Dad had taken him in and Farouk had opened their fridge and promptly burst into tears because he didn't know what to eat, he apparently was amazed at the fact that Maya generally had a shower every day or a bath and he had no idea what Netflix was or even what a TV was. He didn't even know what a French fry was and when Maya looked at him she found she couldn't hate him for being the child that their mother chose.

However there were problems. Some idiot nurse had let it slip that Maya had issues with food and therefore Farouk had a million questions about it. He apparently couldn't understand why someone would make themselves throw up and Maya honestly couldn't answer so instead she showed him her brain in a jar that seemed to cover his curiosity quite well. He also seemed to want to know why Maya didn't go and see their mother and that was something that she had no idea how to explain even to herself. It made her want to scream.

She managed to hide the issues well as it wasn't really Farouk's fault but life since his arrival had become complicated. For one Megan showed no signs of leaving, and her father and Meredith had been in a rut since the beginning of this whole mess. Not to mention the fact that since coming around from her brain tumour Amelia and her Uncle Owen had decided to get a divorce. It made her want to scream and smack her head into the pillow because there was always something that got in the way of what seemed to her to be the simple situation to all of their problems.

On the Wednesday after her mother was told that she could get up out of the bed and walk around she went to the hospital at night. She'd been in the library most of the afternoon attempting to work on a bitch of an English paper and when she had walked to the nurses desk she had not expected the whirlwind that was Farouk to hit her at the knees and making her bit back the swear words that were just longing to come out. Instead she shot the kid a look only to find he was grinning at her. Maya smiled at him because being mad at Farouk was like being mad at some sort of puppy that came up to you begging for treats.

"Hey kid" she said beaming. "Good day?"

"He's had a very good day…we've been looking at places to live"

Maya didn't have to look up to know who that voice belonged too. Her mother was stood there in what looked like old sweats and her hair in a bun that reminded Maya with a shock to the system of how she had looked when she had been in uniform. She resisted the urge to detach Farouk from her knees and run a mile. She was seventeen, some things were beyond undignified.

"Oh"

"Yes and we were just going to get lunch…come and join us Maya please…"

"Err…"

"Please Maya"

There was a pause where she stood there and tried to think of a way that she could get around it. There wasn't a way she supposed that wouldn't hurt Farouk's feelings.

"Ok"

Farouk beamed and took off to the cafeteria at the speed of light and that left Maya to walk alone with her mother who thankfully didn't try and start anything. Perhaps it was easier to have the conversations that needed to be had when Farouk was here and he could be the human shield that kept the two of them from ripping each other apart.

Maya got a slice of pizza that tasted when she took a mouthful like sawdust. Farouk wolfed down his chicken and then went in search of a brownie and that left the two of them sat at the table as if they were on opposite sides of the war council. Eventually her mother broke the silence.

"Your Dad mentioned that you were in therapy. How's going?"

Maya shrugged. "I'm not making myself puke so that's something I suppose. My therapist Amanda…she's good, she thinks were making progress I suppose. I…I heard that you were having therapy as well, how's that going?"

"I talk a lot about my experience. There are a couple of people that I was recommended. Different treatments you know, I'm just glad that I'm out of that bed now…the first time I had a shower and used actual shampoo and conditioner I nearly cried"

Maya snorted into laughter without even realising it.

"I was at the Eating Disorder clinic and the first time that I could take a shower by myself without someone making sure I wasn't going to make myself sick I felt like it was a result." She confessed. She had no idea why she was saying this but she was and she wanted nothing more to do but to end this conversation and stay mad at her Mom but she couldn't.

Anger was exhausting, hate was exhausting. And she didn't have it in her to keep projecting those feelings. As Amanda told her it would only drag her down. And she didn't have time to deal with that, not if she wanted to stay on the road to recovery.

"I…I'm glad that you are doing ok" her Mom said finally. "I…really if I'd have thought…that…that anything I did would have contributed any pain you would have went through then…look—" she leaned forwards and Maya could stop herself from leaning backwards as if her mother was going to hurt her. She didn't think that her mom noticed. Farouk was now charming the cafeteria lady to get him some more cookies. Maya wished that he would come back.

"His name was Jack. He was fourth year resident at the local base. He was twenty-two and he was charming. He looked up to me, he looked up to me and I loved it. Your Dad was away most of the time and…and…Maya we were just out of residency when we found out that we were pregnant with you. Your Dad wanted nothing more to do but to go and save people and that meant that I was left alone with you. Beth tried to help but she didn't get it and my Mom didn't want to commit to childcare in Germany, I had been a surgeon and a mommy and a partner and I liked the fact that someone was seeing me instead of all the traditional roles that I was meant to play. And I wanted that attention. But understand this…I NEVER wanted you to get hurt"

Maya wanted to say she understood but she didn't. There was still a part of her that was that mad little girl who had turned all her feelings inwards and had pretended that she was fine when instead her whole world had come crashing down around her. She wanted to break something, but she couldn't.

"I wish I could forgive you" she said finally. "I don't want to hate you…but…I'm not used to having you here. It was easier to hate you from afar"

Her mother nodded.

"So your moving" she said flatly.

"I made a promise to myself when I was in the desert. I said I would move to a place that had water that I could feel between my toes. I have some money and enough to get a place on the beach for me and Farouk in California. There's going to be a room for you as well, I figured you wouldn't want to live with me but…you can visit. You know when your ready"

Maya opened her mouth and then shut it.

"Ok" she said finally "I don't know what you want me to say to that"

"Hey" her mom said shaking her head. "I'm just glad that at this point we can have a conversation."

Maya opened her mouth to say what she didn't know because at that moment Farouk came back with a mountain of chocolate on his plate and handed her a cookie. Maya nibbled at the edge of it and she found that it didn't taste terrible.

She wondered if Farouk had got them together on purpose but then again…how crafty was a seven year old?

* * *

"So are we gonna have this conversation now?" Nathan said finally. Meredith looked up at him from where she was doing the charts. There was another long pause, the Attending's Lounge was empty and Meredith didn't bother looking up.

"I gave you back to Megan"

"And Megan and I don't want to be with each other. Meredith we are not like you and Derek, it's not some love that was tragically cut short after walking through the fires of hell together. There was not some sort of grand plan. We were kids when we had Maya, we were young and we were stupid and we had a baby when we should have had a career. And she gets that I've moved on and so has she, we share Maya and a healthy amount of love and respect for each other but the feelings are nothing more than friendship. We fell out of love with each other as simple and as easy as that. She deserves to move on with someone else and so do I. And I love you. Once again you find a problem with this relationship and run a mile"

Meredith did look up at him then her eyes flashing.

"You think this is about me?"

"All I know is that we were happy before Megan came and you took that as an excuse to run a mile"

"You did love Megan once. I don't pretend that I can compete with that"

"And the part of me that loved Megan died. Meredith it is that simple, I fell out of love with her. Looking back I can see that there is a mess of relationships and things that I could have done differently. Besides to Maya the nightmare is me and Megan getting back together. I choose my daughter and I choose you. I love you. Just let yourself believe that you are deserving of it. Let yourself believe that there is a life outside of him. In case you've missed it everyone else has"

He was walking to the door when Meredith spoke.

"It took me a long time to realise that I wanted him. You see, Maya was me. I had a Mom that liked her career, I grew up watching her have a love affair both emotionally and surgically with Richard Webber and my father left. I did run away and I whored myself around Europe—not that I'm saying that Maya will do that but…there's a lot of similarities between the two of us and then Derek came along. It took me a long time to realise that I wanted him, a long time to love him and then we had a shooting and a bomb scare and a plane crash and all sorts of messy stuff. And now…now…I know he'd like you and I know Megan likes me. But being in a relationship is something I don't know how to do. Most of my relationships with men die, Derek did, even my friends like George and Mark. It's just…sometimes I think it's easier not to love"

"And yet you did. Before Megan came back, we were getting somewhere. I'm not asking for a ring Meredith or some sort of promise of commitment, we both know were we stand, neither one of us wants anymore kids and between the two of us we've seen enough issues to know how to raise them and raise them well, all I want to do is just start something with you and see where it goes. We've both got kids, who for some reason really like each other and we are both brilliant at our jobs, let's just try…I just want to know that we can try…"

Meredith opened her mouth and then closed it again. She seemed to be battling something within herself and when she spoke it was with an assurance she hadn't seemed to have before.

"Ok" she said finally.

"Let's try"

There was a pause and then Nathan sat down and held her hand in his. Meredith stared at it for a second and then smiled.

"See" he said finally. "Not so scary is it?"

Meredith laughed.

* * *

 **And there you are. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and the next one should soon follow.**

 **Next Chapter-** **Nathan and Meredith adjust to the new normal and Maya and Megan makes steps in their relationship. Megan moves away despite Owen belief that it could have been avoided. An ensuring conversation ensures that the two finally puts their issues to rest. Also Jackson has a boat and there are new interns running around the place. First of the chapters that follow on from the cannon Meredith/Nathan storyline and the penultimate chapter of this story.**


	30. Erasing History

**Hi, so here is the penultimate chapter of this story! I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I hope to have the final chapter published soon which will coincide with the 300th episode of Grey's. It also might be shorter than most chapters as it will be an epilogue kind of thing and be split over time. Also I don't know how much of a wait it was between being nominated, shortlisted and then the rewards but I'm guessing probably a whole academic year-or that's what I am running with anyway.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just Maya**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And as always Trigger Warnings for this chapter.**

* * *

Weight Of What Was

Chapter 30-Erasing History.

Nathan and Meredith adjust to the new normal and Maya and Megan makes steps in their relationship. Megan moves away despite Owen belief that it could have been avoided. An ensuring conversation ensures that the two finally puts their issues to rest. Also Jackson has a boat and there are new interns running around the place. First of the chapters that follow on from the cannon Meredith/Nathan storyline and the penultimate chapter of this story.

Episodes Covered-14x06

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _Baby you're the man. But I got the, I got the, I got the power. You make rain. But I'll make it, I'll make it, I'll make it shower. You should know I'm the one whose in control. I'll let you come take the wheel long as you don't forget…whose got the power"_** (Power—Little Mix)

* * *

The weeks following the whole hospital changed the tune of their gossip from Maya Riggs going postal at her mother to the fact that Nathan Riggs and Meredith Grey were back together. She supposed that it was strange to think of the fact that her father and the woman that had once been her arch nemesis had come full circle and that she would be glad about it.

It was even stranger to think of the fact that her mother was leaving and to think of it with any sort of emotion that wasn't grief. She found that she was struggling with the idea. Farouk she knew she would miss and she had taught him how to FaceTime and told him that he was welcome to contact her at any time. The parting with her mother was strangely painful. She supposed that it was better than she'd expected. Megan hugged her and Maya's immediate reaction was not one where she felt the urge to instantly pull away. She wasn't sure what that meant but she didn't want Megan to leave the country again so she supposed that was a plus.

Her Uncle Owen had taken her down with her son and stayed for a couple of nights at that little beach house where her Mom could dip her toes in the ocean and Farouk could sleep without worrying if the door was going to get blown off. She supposed that, that was good thing. The presence of her mother in the hospital eventually wore off and she found that she could breath again.

She didn't realise she had gone almost six months without making herself sick until Amanda had told her. Her therapy had been gradually lessoning as time had continued. Things she genuinely believed were getting better and she was sure that there were no more ghosts in the closet. They had even been around to Meredith's house for dinner and had been introduced for real as the boyfriend and the boyfriend's daughter. As Amelia had said that was progress. Even the death of Harper Avery (which as Alex had told her nobody who knew him would mourn him) hadn't burst the sense that everything was coming together after two years where everything had been ripped apart. Maya also found that she was no longer afraid that the world would come crashing down around her. She found that she was more confident in herself and in her life. Perhaps it was like Amanda said. Once she'd admitted and took steps to correct the problem that she had she would eventually be able to move on and rebuild.

The only issue that was still left to deal with was her Uncle who seemed to be taking Megan's departure to heart. Maya didn't know why, he must have known this was coming—God knows her mother had not been quiet in her desire to move away and rebuild her life. To be honest she had thought he'd been more upset about his second divorce when he had only been married a little bit less than his first marriage or perhaps that Teddy had left for Germany (and Thank God because that was one goodbye Maya had not wanted to take part in whatsoever) but instead he seemed to be annoyed. Maya supposed her lacklustre welcome of the great surviving that was Megan Hunt coming out of Iraq after ten years had grated on him but she was not going to second guess herself anymore. Second guessing was how she had gotten into the whole mess all those years ago. She deserved more than that.

But still she wanted to speak to the man. There was a sense that everything was safe and clean and out in the open. This was a thing that she needed to get out of the way and she forced herself to find him. Of course the one day that she wanted to speak to him was the day that he had decided to piss off with the rest of the male attendings—along with DeLuca and Ben to Jackson's boat that he had bought with his grandfather's money—because what else were you going to do when you got given a cool quarter of a million tax free from an old man who had spent most of your life hating your decision choices?

Of course when she went to the Intern Mixer to find him he was stuffing his face with crab cakes. She edged her way around an intern who shot her a smile. He had glasses and she supposed kinda looked cute in a nerdy kind of way and then slid over grab a glass of wine. Her father wasn't here so there was a chance she could get away with this if her Uncle was completely pissed.

He wasn't but she had to admit it was close. "Hey" she said appearing at his elbow and taking a sip of wine. Her Uncle shot her a look and then took the wine glass out of her hand. "Nice try" he said grinning. Maya decided that him being slightly drunk was better than dealing with him when he was sober.

"Megan leaving wasn't my fault you know"

"You could have been nicer"

"She couldn't have cheated on Dad and made me lie."

"You ever think maybe you could have told him about it? Nathan wouldn't have judged you for it you know"

"Oh I know that. That's not the problem. That was never the problem. And you could have been around more. Even if you didn't like Dad you didn't have to cut me out of your life. You certainly didn't have to tell Grandma that we didn't want her in our lives and you didn't have to tell Teddy that it was a choice between Dad and you. Things might have been different if I hadn't have felt so alone all the time, you were the one that isolated us, you wanted to punish Dad and in turn you took away my family and you didn't give me a second thought and then wondered why I was being a bitch all the time and why you weren't included on the family group chat"

Her Uncle looked at her then for a second that seemed to stretch into a very long time.

"I suppose you have a point" he said finally. "I could have done things a lot differently. I never knew she'd had an affair you see. When she called me that day she told me about your Dad and I told her to get on the helicopter and come to me. I told her to leave him. I told her to leave you, I said we'd sue for custody but in hindsight Meg was never gonna leave her job. And I wanted to punish Nathan, I didn't think of you standing at the doorway that night watching us brawl, I tried very hard not to think of you. Thinking of you hurt a lot you see. It's no excuse I suppose, but the war messed me up pretty bad even before Megan went missing—the stuff that we saw and the stuff we had to deal with—Maya if I went a week without losing someone I knew then it was a good week. And I kept going and going and going and it didn't stop it until they told me that I had to go and then…well then I had to think about it"

Maya nodded even as the words took root. There were mistakes on both sides and nobody was to blame. She had to stop carrying the burden of her parents mistakes and her Uncle had to stop blaming himself for the mistakes of the past.

"You think we can move on? Start new and all that? Megan's doing it, Dad's doing it and I'm doing it. You think we can do it?"

Her Uncle stared at her for a second and then very gently as if he was expecting her to shy away he opened his arm and slung it around her shoulders so they were (very awkwardly) hugging for the first time in more years than Maya really wanted to count.

"Of course we can" her Uncle said finally. Maya nodded.

"Can I have my wine back?"

"No"

"Rats"

Her Uncle Owen laughed.

* * *

She did later FaceTime Farouk that night. The kid was easy to talk to he always had been and in doing so her Mom could pop her head round the phone and say hi. Things between them might never be the same and Maya had no illusions that it would take a glacially long time to build the relationship back up something that she could depend on but she knew that in her own way Megan was trying. The issue she thought was that her mother had not been ready to have children nor had she really wanted one. It didn't make Maya hate her as much instead she found herself acknowledging that you had to be really ready to want children and it was ok to not want them. It didn't make you any less a person.

She didn't know if she wanted kids herself. Hell she didn't even know if she wanted a boyfriend yet but she knew that she didn't want to return to the shadow of herself that she had been when she'd been curled up in that hospital bed refusing to eat. Diane Pierces words had had an affect on her she realised. She deserved to live and to live free and happy from the chains of the past. Everything was coming into place in a way that she could have never imagined. Even Maggie was being downright pleasant to her.

The best news came when Meredith was nominated for the Harper Avery award. Even Maya who didn't know much about surgery or the one that her Dad's girlfriend had preformed on Megan (what with her being an emotional mess) but she knew that a Harper Avery Award was a massive issue in the surgical community and Meredith was already a legacy with a mother who had won two of these awards and invented a new surgical technique not to mention a friend who had been nominated and had lost out.

The wait was a long process though as the year continued Maya supposed that Meredith couldn't be the only surgeon that had promised and delivered a miracle. She had mentioned this once over the weekly dinners that they seemed to be doing for some reason and through Amelia's laughing and Meredith's death glare she was told that the woman was aware of that.

And the privacy was great too come to think of it. You know what with her Dad spending the night at Meredith's house. Maya had never apricated the silence could be a good thing before.

But there was one more hurdle to overcome.

One night Maya made the decision to order pizza. She had chosen to do this on a night her Dad was working late. Pizza was her personal demon as it had been something that she loved and something that she had always binged on. She took one bite and then another until she was full and then she went to bed after watching a movie. She lay awake until she fell asleep and then when she woke up in the morning she found that she had ate half a pizza and had not thought about binging once. If that wasn't progress then nothing was she thought as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was really getting out of control as well…perhaps a haircut was for the best?

Her phone buzzed by the bathroom. It was a text from her Dad.

 _"_ _You ok?_ _?_ _"_

Ok Maya had to tell him when it was appropriate to use emoji's before something disastrous happened.

 _"_ _Yeah I'm ok"_

And she was.

Surprisingly she was.

There was a pause as she stood there and she found she was smiling.

She was ok.

Everything was going to be ok.

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 **And there you are let me know what you think. I will try and update sooner rather than later.**

 **Next Chapter-The final chapter of this story. It's the end of the school year and exam results are out. Meredith and Nathan await the impending Harper Avery Awards results, Maya awaits to see if she has gotten into college and an incident at a fairground sees Meredith re-visit the ghosts of her past into order to move on to her future. **


	31. Standing In The Sun

**Hello, so here is the final chapter!**

 **I want to thank all of you who have managed to read or review or follow or favourite this story. Your words of encouragement have kept this story going even when i wanted to stop and when i was confronted with some very personal memories. Your support means the world to me and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will return to this fandom after a short break and my story will be Mark/Lexie a new pairing for me to try.**

 **Disclaimer-Nothing is mine just Maya.**

 **Please Read and Review.**

 **And for the last time TRIGGER WARNINGS in this chapter and for this story.**

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Weight Of What Was

Chapter 31-Standing In The Sun

The final chapter of this story. It is the end of the school year and exam results are out determining Maya's college residency. Meredith is also awaiting results as the Harper Avery award winners are announced. Maya waits to see if she has gotten into any college at all. Nathan tries to keep the two steady and finally an incident at fairground sees Meredith re-visit her ghosts of her past in order to move on to her future.

Episodes Covered-14x07 (Episode 300)

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 ** _"_** ** _Once I was seven years old my momma told me go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely. Once I was seven years old"_** (7 Years—Lukas Graham)

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It was another kick in the teeth Nathan decided, that the day they announced the Harper Avery results was also the day that Maya got her exam results that would determine weather or not she would get in the Pre-Med program at John Hopkins where she had (after dragging him around the country for nearly nine months) decided where she wanted to go. Nathan was pleased with her choice—John Hopkins had a wonderful medical program and while it was not the Dartmouth that was Meredith's alumni or his own which had been Harvard he was pleased that she was not going to live too many states away as he had been when they'd been having the very serious conversation about weather or not she would find Alaska too cold.

Of course the impending day had made both Meredith and Maya short tempered and cranky and on more than one occasion Nathan had taken Meredith's kids in the car to the nearest milkshake shop in order to escape the tension that was steadily growing in the house or at the apartment.

He would be beyond glad when this waiting period was over. With any luck nothing Meredith did surgically for the next couple of years made the Harper Avery list.

"Don't you wish you'd gotten on the list?" Zola asked him the night before. Meredith was upstairs with an increasingly panicked Maya choosing ball gowns because apparently there was a big difference between gold sparkles and gold shimmer.

"No" Nathan said which was true enough. Some people did get into surgery for the awards and the recognition and some people did it for different reasons. Nathan couldn't exactly pin point the moment where the military had seemed better than a hospital but he knew that awards had never been something that had interested him unless you counted Teddy getting the surgical magazine announcing the winners and the nominees and what they had done a month after everything had finished. That he supposed had made for some interesting reading in 100-degree heat.

Zola looked at him for a second with an expression that was so like her mother's when an intern did something stupid that it was almost funny and then went back to her sisters playdough. She used a plastic knife to cut something. Nathan was pretty sure she was trying to take out an imaginary spleen but he couldn't be sure, after all it had been a long time since he had done something like that.

"Do you like General surgery?" he asked though why he was having this conversation with a seven year old he didn't know. He took another gulp of wine and eyed the bottle steadily. Still over a good third left which was something he supposed.

"I don't know how to do anything else"

"Move over. Your Mom's got a chicken somewhere she keeps when she's board. I'll teach you how to suture properly"

Zola stared at him and then grinned running off to the fridge as Nathan poured himself another glass of wine and wondered (not for the first time) when this had become his life.

It wasn't bad he thought grinning. It wasn't bad at all.

There was the sound of a door slamming shut and then Amelia came into the room. Nathan wasn't sure what the hell was going on with her and Owen and but he knew as sure as hell that he wasn't going to ask any questions.

Somethings were just better off being left alone.

* * *

Alex was steadily ignoring Meredith. The blonde pregnant chick was not Izzie, the rude girl not Cristina and the boy…well the boy did look a bit like George but that was pure coincidence. And if the blonde chick did kinda look like a young Izzie…well…he had put that part of his life behind him. He had rang Izzie—Jo didn't need to know that when she had given him permission—but he had rang her that year where Meredith had gone and left him alone and Derek had died and he'd found himself adrift without any of the people that he had come into this crazy world with. Izzie was married, she had three kids, she had a good job as the new Addison Montgomery in New York. He didn't need to open that door again. And Cristina was in Switzerland…and George…well…everytime he got in an elevator it was easier to remember George O'Malley rather than that time he'd been shot.

He was reading his charts and trying not to get dragged down in memories that he thought it was best to forget when the door to the bathroom opened and he saw Maya come out. He stared…there was always a good chance that she had used the bathroom but exam results were not out yet nor were college acceptances and she was gripping her phone with the slightly manic expression that reminded Alex of when he had been sat outside on the porch listening to his Mom go off the rails and wondering if this was his life now or was it selfish to get away, as far away as he could all things considering. Again he shook his head trying not to remember teaching his brother and sister the routine for their Mom and the look of panic in their eyes when they realised he was not going to be around that often for a long time.

"You ok" he said not looking up. Experience told him that confronting Maya Riggs was not a good idea.

"I was in the bathroom to change my tampon not to throw up" Maya said coming behind the nurses desk and crossing her legs on the chair. Alex tried not to show any form of interest whatsoever in what was going on. Actually he did have a lot to do.

"No results?"

"No. I mean…my exam finals are good and I got the grades I wanted, I found that out this morning but I haven't heard back from any of my chosen colleges yet."

"Hopkins wont reply straight away" Alex knew that much from when he applied for fellowship there. Maya nodded but he could tell that she was not listening whatsoever. He tried to hide his smile. He remembered the feeling of teetering on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown very well when he waiting for his own results. He actually envied Riggs the distraction of surgery on a man that Amelia was convinced resembled Derek. If an arrogant but brilliant surgeon came in with a younger intern on his arm in the reincarnation of Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey came in he was going to smack his head hard onto the table in order to wake up from this all too familiar nightmare.

Maya's phone pinged. Her email icon was lit up. Alex suddenly found he was staring at it. This was genuinely quite stressful and he didn't even have any kids that were getting results.

"Well?" he said pretending that he didn't care when he actually deep down did—Maya he knew would make a pretty good surgeon.

Maya was staring at her screen with an open mouth.

"Look" Alex said finally when the silence became too much for even he to contend with…

"I can get someone if you wanna talk but I know you had acceptances from Yale and Princeton and that's nothing to turn your nose up at. And Hopkins is there even when you least expect it…trust me"

"I got Dartmouth" Maya said finally into the silence.

"You got—you got it?"

"Yeah"

"Hell yeah baby!"

Maya looked at him and then did something that surprised even an old Grey-Sloan—Seattle Grace—Mercy West resident like himself that he was—she hugged him. Alex couldn't help himself, he hugged her back.

"Come on." He said finally (and really parenting wasn't all that bad was it? Alex wasn't even a parent and yet he found that stuff like this made him feel jealous of Riggs—who he still decidedly didn't like—much). "There's some people who are going to want to know you got John Hopkins"

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The first OR open was the one where her Uncle and Amelia were working. Maya was still in a daze until Alex elbowed her in the ribs and she realised that everyone was looking at her.

"I got into John Hopkins"

Her Uncle stared at her for a second and then whooped. Amelia took her hands off the machine she was operating and clapped and Maya shot them both a grin before Alex Karev was steering her into the next room and there was Meredith standing over some kid and her Dad both of them expecting two piece of news that neither she nor Meredith were to be surprised about.

Her Dad managed to get out of the surgery to hug her swinging her off her feet and spinning her around in the OR scrub sink room.

"That's my girl" he said into her hair.

They stood there for a very long time before the moment was interrupted by some intern who she had never seen before (not that that meant something there seemed to be a steady turn over of interns at this place) and It was Meredith who had an expression set in stone.

"Ah results"

And then her Dad was pushing her into the room and next to Meredith who was looking as if she was awaiting her sentencing in court. There was some sort of TV thing set up in the gallery. Maya was hyper aware that Alex was in the room as well as Richard Webber both of whom had known Meredith the longest and both of whom wanted this as much as she did. Even Maya had to acknowledge through her own sinking relief and steadily rising joy that she was hoping that Meredith would win—after all it was her mother that she had saved even if Maya had been too bogged down in her emotions to appreciate that.

* * *

Meredith won.

* * *

That night in the house there was a scene of celebration. She was pouring tequila shots in her mothers kitchen (somethings never changed) and looking out towards her family who were all out there with each other laughing and giggling away.

This was a duel celebration after all.

There was in the corner her three children. Zola who was sat on the armchair listening to Richard the closest thing she had ever had to a father talk about how he had removed a man's spleen today with Catherine at his side commenting occasionally. There was Bailey and Ellis playing together under Maggie's watchful eye, Amelia and Owen standing in the corner conversing casually. In another corner was April, baby Harriet on her hip and Jackson talking sweetly in a way that told Meredith that despite the fact that Jackson was with her sister he had never lost his feelings for April. Meredith paused. She hoped when the inevitable happened that Maggie wouldn't be too hurt.

Bailey was sat on the sofa with Maya a bottle of champagne between the two of them. Jo was sat on the floor and the three of them were listening as Bailey talked about a case that she had worked on which had involved a massive tumour being removed (Meredith was sure it was the one where Erica Hann had been there and there had been a Anatomy Jane doll involved but she wasn't sure) Alex (her friend, the last one true friend she'd had) was talking to Arizona. She knew that it had hurt Alex a little—operating on a woman that could have been Izzie but he seemed to be doing ok which was good. Meredith was unsure what she would do if she ever lost Alex Karev.

There was Ben, and DeLuca and Cross and the rest of the interns including one with glasses that she thought might have some chance of succeeding in her field—she would have to talk to him later and then there were the ghosts. The ghosts of the people that were there and never went away.

There was Cristina who had screamed down the phone "I KNEW IT!". There was Izzie who was married with kids according to Alex, there was Callie in New York, Steph in treatment still, there was Addison in LA. There were Mark and Lexie who she knew even if she wasn't wholly sold on the idea were somewhere good with each other at peace. There was her mother of course who was in that gallery with her, Adele who had loved her when she had been the product of the one thing that had caused her pain. There was George who had been a good solid friend—her 007.

And there was Derek of course.

She still saw him naturally. She still saw Derek everywhere. Right now he was in the corner of her kitchen. She stared at him and he winked at her. Meredith felt her heart heave with love for him. What she and Nathan had it wasn't a betrayal of what she and Derek had built. She loved him. She missed him. But she was moving on with what was left of her life. And she thought that perhaps she might have done so with a man that Derek would approve off. A family unit in which Derek would approve off. There was her kids, Maya, Nathan.

She was happy with that.

It was time to let go of the weight of what had been, of the weight of what was and move on. Maya had done it. Nathan had done it. It was time for Meredith to do so as well.

"You ok?"

That was Nathan. Meredith smiled at him and nodded picking up the tray of shots. She spared the image of Derek in the corner one last look that she knew even though he was a figment of her imagination.

"Yeah I'm good"

And with that she turned her back on her past and her face towards a future that she desperately wanted to live.

All was good.

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 **And there it is, i hope you enjoyed this story. I thank you all for your support when it comes to this story. I wish you all the best, happy reading. **


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